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I feel like a drug addict going through withdrawal. I am addicted to manic states.

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fluffpill

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I might be self destructive too....in hopes of getting dopamine.
 
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Nukelavee

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I understand that's not uncommon with bipolar.

I can sort of relate - I have BPD, and sometimes I want to have an excuse to be angry, and justified, because there is an appeal to that powerful emotion. I used to think it was a good thing - if I get angry, I'm driven to solve a problem. but all my solutions involve trying to hammer flat everything that opposes me, I've been told I actually scare people.

I've learned giving in to those dark urges is a bad idea, not just because I hurt others, but because in the end, it doesn't make my life better. When the anger fades, I have to deal with the fallout, which leads to guilt, which leads to depression, which used to lead for praying to get angry enough to not be depressed.

Giving in to that sort of behaviour creates a never ending loop. Sure, the highs are fun, but the lows are even worse.

I think it compares to people going off meds, because they prefer to be troubled, but energized, to being calm but feeling slow and dull.

to me, the secret seems to be to explore the quiet moods, to find satisfaction in less destructive ways, so I don't need that emotional rush.
 
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fluffpill

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I understand that's not uncommon with bipolar.

I can sort of relate - I have BPD, and sometimes I want to have an excuse to be angry, and justified, because there is an appeal to that powerful emotion. I used to think it was a good thing - if I get angry, I'm driven to solve a problem. but all my solutions involve trying to hammer flat everything that opposes me, I've been told I actually scare people.

I've learned giving in to those dark urges is a bad idea, not just because I hurt others, but because in the end, it doesn't make my life better. When the anger fades, I have to deal with the fallout, which leads to guilt, which leads to depression, which used to lead for praying to get angry enough to not be depressed.

Giving in to that sort of behaviour creates a never ending loop. Sure, the highs are fun, but the lows are even worse.

I think it compares to people going off meds, because they prefer to be troubled, but energized, to being calm but feeling slow and dull.

to me, the secret seems to be to explore the quiet moods, to find satisfaction in less destructive ways, so I don't need that emotional rush.
how do you find satisfaction in less destructive ways? i really feel the urge to do something, to get it moving, you know what i mean? it's very slow and dull right now. i wanted to stop my meds, i am a little scared of damaging my brain though. what do i do?
 
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Nukelavee

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I write, I draw, I paint, I read - I fill in time, I try to stay occupied enough that kind of energy doesn't build up.

I dunno - it's hard to explain. It's taken me 15 years to move past that need for that kind of emotional rush, gradually filling in the holes I used anger to bridge.
i wanted to stop my meds, i am a little scared of damaging my brain though. what do i do?
Don't stop your meds without talking to your doctor, first, or, yeah, you could mess yourself up emotionally, at the least.

Dunno how old you are, but I'm 52 -part of my success in fighting the self destructive urges is just getting older, I think, but a big part is being old enough to consider the outcomes of self-destructive urges, the risk of them going too far, and permanently wrecking my life. Wrecking my mental or physical health, ruining the rest of my life - I realized those could happen. I just started remembering near-misses and close calls of various sorts, or even times something bad did happen, and realized how bad those outcomes could have been.

somehow, you need to learn how to take satisfaction and pleasure in a calmer life, so you don't need that jolt of adrenaline.

It's very hard to control that need to fill the empty in us, to feel something strongly, but I believe it's possible.
 
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I write, I draw, I paint, I read - I fill in time, I try to stay occupied enough that kind of energy doesn't build up.

I dunno - it's hard to explain. It's taken me 15 years to move past that need for that kind of emotional rush, gradually filling in the holes I used anger to bridge.

Don't stop your meds without talking to your doctor, first, or, yeah, you could mess yourself up emotionally, at the least.

Dunno how old you are, but I'm 52 -part of my success in fighting the self destructive urges is just getting older, I think, but a big part is being old enough to consider the outcomes of self-destructive urges, the risk of them going too far, and permanently wrecking my life. Wrecking my mental or physical health, ruining the rest of my life - I realized those could happen. I just started remembering near-misses and close calls of various sorts, or even times something bad did happen, and realized how bad those outcomes could have been.

somehow, you need to learn how to take satisfaction and pleasure in a calmer life, so you don't need that jolt of adrenaline.

It's very hard to control that need to fill the empty in us, to feel something strongly, but I believe it's possible.
i am 28 i was diagnosed last year but i think i have been having hypomania/mania since i was 12, that's 16 years of thrill, and now, on meds, i am just not able to get it. it's killing me. i hate taking meds.
 
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Nukelavee

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I think your title for the topic says it best - it is like an addiction.

Ignoring actual direct self-harm - what kinds of stuff do/did you do in a manic state? Was the thrill from any given activity, or was the mania itself the thrill? Like, could you do fairly normal stuff, while manic, and still feel a thrill?

As I said, I'm not bipolar -I have Borderline personality disorder, so, I'm trying to get an understanding of how things work/feel for you, to see if anything that might help occurs to me.

And, feel free not to answer any questions - I don't want to be nosy.

What are your downs like? And, without meds, do you have middle-states, where you are neither manic nor depressed?

As I said - I don't get the manic part, my mood swings are either a sudden drop to depression, or a sudden anger and back to calm. Calmer. Calmish. (I'm still working out how those moods work).

I've gone through periods where I used drugs that create a similar feeling to that angry high I can get, that super confident unstoppable bright and shiny mood, when I've been really down... but, I can still feel that kind of bright shiny energy in a more stable mood, from doing things like videogames (I like multiplayer player vs player type games), from rollerblading... roller coasters, driving... things like that.

Are there activities that give you a thrill even if you aren't in a manic state?
 
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fluffpill

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I think your title for the topic says it best - it is like an addiction.

Ignoring actual direct self-harm - what kinds of stuff do/did you do in a manic state? Was the thrill from any given activity, or was the mania itself the thrill? Like, could you do fairly normal stuff, while manic, and still feel a thrill?

As I said, I'm not bipolar -I have Borderline personality disorder, so, I'm trying to get an understanding of how things work/feel for you, to see if anything that might help occurs to me.

And, feel free not to answer any questions - I don't want to be nosy.

What are your downs like? And, without meds, do you have middle-states, where you are neither manic nor depressed?

As I said - I don't get the manic part, my mood swings are either a sudden drop to depression, or a sudden anger and back to calm. Calmer. Calmish. (I'm still working out how those moods work).

I've gone through periods where I used drugs that create a similar feeling to that angry high I can get, that super confident unstoppable bright and shiny mood, when I've been really down... but, I can still feel that kind of bright shiny energy in a more stable mood, from doing things like videogames (I like multiplayer player vs player type games), from rollerblading... roller coasters, driving... things like that.

Are there activities that give you a thrill even if you aren't in a manic state?
There’s nothing that gives me thrill now. I haven’t felt even a little thrill on meds. I was just super happy in mania. Everything seemed thrilling, like i would do things and laugh on my own. I still laugh but it’s not the same. I used to have constant fantasies. They stopped on meds. I seem pretty normal to my family on and off meds. I either manic laugh alone or at the hospital, my treatment team can tell i am manic but my family can’t because i hide it pretty well. When off meds i get manic a lot but they are probably mixed states, depressed too if not manic but depression doesn’t happen as often as it happens on meds. And yes i have normal states too off meds
 
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fluffpill

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Sorry march-feb last year/this year
 
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Nukelavee

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Yeah - a few months isn't long enough to give them a real chance to work, and for you to be able to notice the effect. A few months in, you are likely just getting past the initial side effects and still adjusting.

PArt of the issue is, I think, that you were unmedicated for "most" of the time, ie, since you think it started, and have normalized the feeling of mania. It's like, I've been through a lot of abuse, including physical. As a result, my tolerance for pain and abuse is really high - I barely notice minor stuff at all, I put up with toxic behaviour because it takes a while for me to realize it is toxic, because I am so used to being treated that way.

You've gotten so used to the heightened feeling of mania, that you can't notice normal levels of pleasure/thrill. Like, would a good roller coaster even be worth your time?

PArt of the problem is that thrill seeking is like an addiction to a drug - over time, you require more and more extreme experiences to feel teh same rush you did in the beginning.

I've known several people who caught so caught up in thrill seeking that it killed them.

I'm not saying you should avoid things that give you a thrill, or that you should live a boring life -I do think you need to think more on what it is you need to feel alive, even if not manic.

Even in the abstract, I'd hate for you, or anyone, to get hurt simply trying to be happy.
 
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Funny, I have been terribly absent minded about taking my meds (stress), and hoo boy did I get a ride on the emotional roller coaster this weekend. Depressed and suicidal in the morning, euphoric by the afternoon.

I hated it.

The only thing that didn’t tip me over on the self destructive path was logically recognizing and reinforcing in my brain that this was a chemical thing that would be corrected by taking my meds.

If you don’t have that context, it could be very easy to do something impulsive and drastic. I get that it feels like the meds stifle you, but in effect, they stabilize, so that your brain has a chance to overrule the impulse.

You need to take them for at least a year. Your body will adapt, and that stranglehold will loosen. Don’t do it for you, do it for those who love you. It’s exhausting dealing with someone in constant euphoria because inevitably it comes partnered with a deep crash.
 
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Oh yes I relate so strongly OP- The spiral down without any safety net is a free dive towards the abyss and is incredible to feel.
I think the other people here may have good ideas but I 100% understand what you mean.
I wish for it as well but too numb.
 
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