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I feel I've lost everything, including myself

Soladwor

Soladwor

Member
Joined
Oct 2, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Earth
I'm beyond depressed. I feel empty inside. I see nothing but darkness in this life. This may be because I'm always that nice quiet kid in the room. I've come to the realization that I've wasted 15+ years of my life on living how other people/complete strangers wanted/expected me to live. I'm a fake. A phony. An empty shell without a real, genuine personality. This "social anxiety", this "fakeness" came from a PTSD event that occurred when I moved to a new country and switched schools. I was 10 years old at the time. The whole experience petrified me. I felt all alone. I couldn't communicate with the other kids because I didn't know the language. I was being made fun of. People would often stare at my big nose, big ears. I didn't even have the courage to say anything to anybody. Experiencing this made me feel like I was some ugly human.

One day a teacher asked this girl who was originally from the same country as me to show me around the school. Even she made me feel like an outsider. I remember her running past all the other classes just to not be seen with me. I felt like I just didn't belong. Like I've disconnected. Like I've lost everybody, had nobody. I was crying on the inside of my mind nearly every single day for a very long time. During this time I became a fake, a phony. I became a people pleaser. I nearly became agoraphobic from this never-growing events of social anxiety.

Now that I'm older I feel I can better see the bigger picture. And it's terrifying. I've completely wasted my perfect teen, youth, young-adult years due to feeling like a nobody. I recently scrolled through some of my older selfies. It felt like staring at some complete stranger. I realized to myself that I actually look pretty damn good. I never really realized this before. It's as if every time I look myself in the mirror, my eyes look through a filter first. My family would tell me I look good, beautiful even on a semi-regular basis, but I'd always ignore them because I was sure I looked hideouts and they're just trying to make me feel better about myself. I've wasted the majority of the best years of my entire life worrying about what other people think, complete strangers. FUCKING THING ABOUT THAT! I've wasted years of my life not listening to my closest family. After analyzing my past, I'm mainly pissed off for living like a pathetic coward. This story wasn't meant to be mine. Every time that I look back on my life's experiences It feels like I'm literally activating and making more connections to the depression centers of my brain. I feel all alone in this world. I haven't made any decent relationships as an adult because of the constant need for positive approval from others. My brain didn't want long-term relationships. My brain wanted instant positive approval and on to the next person for their positive approval, and so on.

I've had one true love in this life. Senior year of high school. We would hang out, talk on the phone nearly all day for some months. Until one day at the school I turned around and saw her tonguing one of my friends. I don't blame her for moving on. The social anxiety has made me into a bitch. I couldn't even tell her how much she truly meant to me. That was my one and the only "true" relationship where I felt genuine love. This was almost a decade ago.

I want to make myself proud. I want to make my parents proud. They for sure deserve a better son.
 
M

Mistral

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 28, 2011
Messages
522
Welcome to the forum. Seeking instant gratification does strange things to your behaviour so that is something you perhaps should work on. As for seeking approval from others, we all want that to some extent, however if it gets so intense so that we send out "I am needy" signs to others, then it can drive people away. That might be what is happening to you.
 
B

bpd2020

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
7,535
Location
England
It is really hard when we did not get to experience the joy of youth. I can understand you mourning that. However, you now like how you look. That is so positive. Many of us never get that confidence. You seem in a much better head space now so things can really change for you. Having social anxiety does not mean your parents cannot be proud of you. I think you realising you were not being true to yourself and now being who you really are is a reason to be proud.
 
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