B
Beckybecks
New member
Im invisible
To say im invisible is an understatement. I mean not in the literal sense hut it might aswell be.
Don’t get me wrong, im very greatful for my life. Its come leaps and bounds from where I’ve been and I couldn’t imagine i’d be so secure when I was 18.
But im alone. I dont mean single. I mean lonely. I have no friends. I have no one outside of nan that cares about me. Day in day out no one will call, text anything. Never. Not even on my birthday. You know people usually have an influx of superficial love on the birthday... not me.
In 2015 People told me, dont worry you’ll make long lasting friends at uni. Nope. In 2018 dont worry you’ll make likeminded friends once youre in your career. Nope. Now were in 2020 and theres no change. Its not like I’m not friendly or that I’m not approachable because people talk to me, but it never goes beyond that. You might think youre friends with someone but then you realise they dont think the same.
I literally long to be wanted. In some capacity. Not sexually cos i couldn’t care less about that but socially maybe? See I’m the common denominator here, there must be something wrong with me. I really try! I try to improve on my flaws, i try to include myself in things, i give out positivity to everyone while I’m crumbling inside. But I dont get the same back.
My self hatred is so deep inside of me that maybe people can see that. But i have this positive persona that I thought hid everything well... maybe not. That confident mask comes on whenever I’m talking to anyone, regardless of how I feel and comes straight off the second I’m alone.
Why do people make me feel so insignificant and unimportant? Am i hypersensitive or do they do it on purpose? Whenever I start to feel something positive about myself someone comes along and knocks that away. Then I’m back to square 1. Hating everything about myself. Scowling when i look in the mirror. How can someone hate themselves so much? I dunno.
Maybe I am just a disgusting person that doesn’t deserve to have friends. Every day i try to be happy. I try to find joy but it doesn’t come. Maybe happiness for a short tome but never for long and never joy. What is joy? I have no clue. Never had it. Well i have days where I’m super UP, I’m on cloud 9 and i can take over the world. But majority if the time I’m just sad, i see nothing worthwhile in myself.
I have a job that i love! But as soon as im in that car heading home, I’m invisible again. Why am I like this? I just wanna feel normal like everyone else. Not counting down the minutes til 10.30 when i can go bed because I just want the day to end. Tired of being alone. Tired of talking only to myself. When will I cross someones mind? When will someone check on me like I do them? I pour into people from an empty cup! How is that possible?! SERIAL KILLERS HAVE FRIENDS! Real horrible mean people have people that wanna be around them. So are you telling me Being around me is worse than that?
Anyway, I’m just gonna continue going about my day to day. Even if no one remembers i exist.
To say im invisible is an understatement. I mean not in the literal sense hut it might aswell be.
Don’t get me wrong, im very greatful for my life. Its come leaps and bounds from where I’ve been and I couldn’t imagine i’d be so secure when I was 18.
But im alone. I dont mean single. I mean lonely. I have no friends. I have no one outside of nan that cares about me. Day in day out no one will call, text anything. Never. Not even on my birthday. You know people usually have an influx of superficial love on the birthday... not me.
In 2015 People told me, dont worry you’ll make long lasting friends at uni. Nope. In 2018 dont worry you’ll make likeminded friends once youre in your career. Nope. Now were in 2020 and theres no change. Its not like I’m not friendly or that I’m not approachable because people talk to me, but it never goes beyond that. You might think youre friends with someone but then you realise they dont think the same.
I literally long to be wanted. In some capacity. Not sexually cos i couldn’t care less about that but socially maybe? See I’m the common denominator here, there must be something wrong with me. I really try! I try to improve on my flaws, i try to include myself in things, i give out positivity to everyone while I’m crumbling inside. But I dont get the same back.
My self hatred is so deep inside of me that maybe people can see that. But i have this positive persona that I thought hid everything well... maybe not. That confident mask comes on whenever I’m talking to anyone, regardless of how I feel and comes straight off the second I’m alone.
Why do people make me feel so insignificant and unimportant? Am i hypersensitive or do they do it on purpose? Whenever I start to feel something positive about myself someone comes along and knocks that away. Then I’m back to square 1. Hating everything about myself. Scowling when i look in the mirror. How can someone hate themselves so much? I dunno.
Maybe I am just a disgusting person that doesn’t deserve to have friends. Every day i try to be happy. I try to find joy but it doesn’t come. Maybe happiness for a short tome but never for long and never joy. What is joy? I have no clue. Never had it. Well i have days where I’m super UP, I’m on cloud 9 and i can take over the world. But majority if the time I’m just sad, i see nothing worthwhile in myself.
I have a job that i love! But as soon as im in that car heading home, I’m invisible again. Why am I like this? I just wanna feel normal like everyone else. Not counting down the minutes til 10.30 when i can go bed because I just want the day to end. Tired of being alone. Tired of talking only to myself. When will I cross someones mind? When will someone check on me like I do them? I pour into people from an empty cup! How is that possible?! SERIAL KILLERS HAVE FRIENDS! Real horrible mean people have people that wanna be around them. So are you telling me Being around me is worse than that?
Anyway, I’m just gonna continue going about my day to day. Even if no one remembers i exist.
