I feel I have given up. Just waiting now.

M

M_Therd

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Hello. I hope that everyone is doing as best they can today.

I have been diagnosed with BPD, and another condition that I don't want to say. For reasons I don't want to go into, I need to kill myself soon.
I have known this for a long time, and I've already tried a couple of times. I have been out of hospital for a couple of months now, and since then I have not changed my clothes at all, I haven't washed myself at all and I have not seen anyone outside my family.
I have stopped taking my medication for the last month and no one knows, because I think 'why bother, this is meant to keep me alive, that's not my aim' and 'It's meant to help me, but I don't care about me'. I have started smoking again. I drink almost every night to the point where I don't remember going to bed. I SH, and tell no one about it.
I saw my care-coordinator two days after I was discharged, but I haven't seen them since. They tried to phone me yesterday, but I ignored the call. I could phone them, but I don't. I don't feel interested in help. I would only lie to them if I saw them and say I was OK anyway, like I always do, and they always believe it. They've been promising therapy for months, but it hasn't happened yet.
I've taken time off work, and I really, really can't see myself going back. I should have sorted new accommodation last month, but I haven't. I don't know where I'd live while working if I did go back. All I envision for the future now is destroying myself and I don't want to tell anyone in real life how I feel because I don't want to be stopped by them. I have some plans that I plan to carry out soon, and everything else is cast by the wayside.

I enjoy talking on this forum, trying to be kind and helpful, though I'm not very good at it. I hope I've helped out a couple of people the brief amount of time I've been on here. I guess I don't know what I want.

Best wishes.
 
write

write

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so very sad to read. You are being neglected since coming out of hospital. Please reach out to your cc if you can, or to anyone who feels reachable? I too feel no one can help but is worth asking if you aren't sure what you want anyway? Your words on here are kind and supportive, don't dismiss what you offer xx
 
write

write

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so very sad to read. You are being neglected since coming out of hospital. Please reach out to your cc if you can, or to anyone who feels reachable? I too feel no one can help but is worth asking if you aren't sure what you want anyway? Your words on here are kind and supportive, don't dismiss what you offer xx
Please know that above what I meant to say was that "I too feel no one can help me".... was not saying that I don't feel anyone can help you. Sorry for missing important word out x
 
Bedsocks

Bedsocks

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Feb 25, 2018
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I don't know what to say to you but I cannot say nothing. I have felt like you have so many times and medication does help me to keep myself going and find those small things in my day that help me to appreciate life. If it were not for my flat, my income support, not having to work, not having any pressure, and not needed the NHS, then I would not survive. I am on the brink of falling into that hole you are in all of the time but manage to avoid in somehow.

You must feel shame if you can't tell about your diagnosis and shame is crippling. There are some very emotive images on google If you type in shame. There is a woman, a pencil drawing of a woman in bed, covering her head. They are painful but soothing to look at. I find images help me to see how I am feeling and when I have felt that shame, they have been good to look at. I look at kittens and puppies also, as well as other types of art.

You are beyond those things at the moment perhaps. Are you not washing or taking medication in the hope that someone will see you are genuinely ill and help you? I have felt that, if that is how you feel. I don't very much now because I feel stronger in myself and I have my pets here and my comfortable home. I could very easily fall into that hole if put under too much though. If the psychiatrist were to say something extremely nasty or if I lost my income, my flat, anything could topple me over.

I don't know if sorting your accommodation and getting signed off sick would help you or if you need medication for your depression first, but I actually think you should be in hospital or receiving more support now. Looking as you do, unwashed, you could walk to the doctor and make something up about not sleeping and need something to take, and see if they help you further. You then would not have to tell them how you feel, they would see it. You could answer the phone to the nurse as you might get a discharge letter soon.

You could have a lovely life and happier times again and I would hate for you to die when there are potential positives in your future. I have been in extremes of hell many times and looking at my life now, still hell but there are rays of sunshine. My pets are sleeping here on the rug next to me and they are my life. I am going to the pet shop tomorrow and am looking forward to buying a basket and cushion on sale. These small things help.

Daffodils are coming up from the ground and soon will be everywhere, bright yellow, with their beautiful scent.

I am not here often but I will try to help as much as I can.

:hug1:
 
Bedsocks

Bedsocks

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Your first sentence on your post there, shows what a nice person you are. You care about others, care if they are going through what you are hope they are not. You could really help other people in your life as there are not enough people like you around.
 
Anon_21

Anon_21

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This makes me so sad 😭 I really enjoyed talking with you in one of your other posts about making/keeping friends. I related to your pain and thought we ended the conversation in a good place, so it breaks my heart now to hear you talking like this (seriously I'm about to have a panic attack). Please, please, please don't let this be the end, you still have so much to offer this world. Reach out to someone, anyone, and let them help you. I hope to keep talking to you in the future...
 
M

M_Therd

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Hey. Thank you for the replies, it's really nice of people.
Hey Anon, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to upset you, or anyone else, I've just been dancing around with these feelings for a while in my questions, and carrying it in secret in real life, and I finally put it down somewhere. I'm really sorry for any distress I've caused you. I tell you, I will contact the Samaritans now (a UK crisis line if you hadn't heard of them) and tell them what I can, see what they say, to help put you at ease. I hope that makes you feel better. I actually forgot about them, until someone sent me a message just, and they have helped once in the past. I'm sorry, I really don't want to exacerbate other peoples problems just because I'm not feeling good.
Best wishes. Hope you're OK tonight.
Thanks.
 
nickybow86

nickybow86

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This is so heart breaking to read.. I don't know what to say to you but only I know how you feel. I think you might need another stint in hospital to get your meds working again and then maybe go back to work. The way I cope is keeping busy !!I have 2 small kids though so I have to get up even tho some days I could stay in bed all day.
 
Anon_21

Anon_21

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I am ok and am glad you are going to talk to someone. Sorry I freaked out, my anxiety has been high today but I took a Xanax and am calm now. I didn't mean to upset anyone either.

I'm just not good with people talking about suicide as I have very limited experience with it and haven't felt that way myself for several years. And then when I recognized your name I remembered your other posts and felt responsible somehow. I had enjoyed the thread and felt good about, so when I read this one I felt like I had failed you somehow.

But don't let fear of making someone else uncomfortable or upset stop you from writing. I'm so glad you posted this and saw how others are genuinely concerned about you. Pm me if you need to. We are here for you. Xx
 
Bedsocks

Bedsocks

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I do appreciate that reading someone else talking about suicide can cause anxiety but it is important we let them talk about it freely.

It is important we can also say how it causes anxiety for us too though.

It didn't cause me anxiety as I know how it feels.

To both of you :hug1:
 
P

Promised one

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Hello
I wish I could add something other than I am sending you a truck load of hugs. Simple hugs, non judgemental hugs just kindness wrapping you with understanding, openness and acceptance.
Hope you manage to overcome this period of your life, you may not see it but there is light at the end of the tunnel. And you may think the world would be better off without you but its not true. Please do try to reach out to someone.
Best
P.
 
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