I feel guilty about my grandfather's death. Advice, please?

[Stark Words]

Hello, I'm going to try to explain as best I can, and keep it fairly short.

I'm a sixteen year old girl. When I was twelve, I lived with my uncle. My grandfather also lived at the same house with us. I hardly knew him. He was in his early eighties, and a sweet old man at first. On his birthday, my mom and dad urged me to give him a pair of socks and warm pants. He lived in the basement, and they wanted me to give the gifts to him alone to surprise him. I went downstairs and sat by him on the couch. I handed him his gifts and smiled, etc. I was very nice, and I didn't lead him on in any way; he was my grandpa!! Then, what happened still bothers me to this day. He pulled me very close and.. well, made-out with me. I was quite scared, afraid of what'd happen next, so I squirmed and eventually pulled away, and ran up the stairs. I knew that it obviously wasn't proper "grandfatherly" behavior. For the next several weeks I dealt with him bothering me. He'd often stand near me, where my uncle and parents couldn't see him, and play with his penis, licking his lips, watching me. He always watched me. He stood near the stairs, where he could see me in the living room, and I could see him. His eyes were so filled with lust and hate, and just... I can't explain it. It was so scary. I found myself wishing he would just go away, and leave me alone. I got what I wanted. He died. I have felt guilty ever since. I didn't want him to die.. I was just an afraid twelve year old girl, and I'll never understand why he was like that. Since then I've been going downhill. I know it could've been worse, but it's affected me greatly. I've had an extremely rough time since then, but I can't type anymore because if this is too long no one will want to read it.

Sorry that this is long. I have a lot more to say, but I'm ending it with this incident. I don't go outside, so I don't have any friends. I'm home-schooled and I guess I just need some advice, someone to listen and help me understand myself. I want to feel normal again. Can anyone help me?

Oh, also, I'm sorry if this is in the wrong section. I'm new.

 

[iffybob]

Hello

Hi, welcome.......

What he did was wrong, he was an adult and you were a child, he should have not done those things, and you should not have been put in that possision. those are facts.

Old people die, the timing sounds like unfortunate circumstance, but you feel guilty because of they way you were thinking, and it sound like that guilt has grown within you, ....... you are not, it is possible to 'wish' some one dead. But I can understand why you feel that way.

I hope this is a start ....... boB

 

[Soren]

hi, and welcome to the forum.

its so terrible what human beings are capable of - i'm so sorry that you had to experience that, especially at such a young age.

this is hardly the point, i know; but is it possible that your grandfather was suffering from some kind of age-related dementia or something? its well documented that those illnesses can destroy a persons character completely. previously normal people can become completely hateful in really shocking ways. not that that would put anything right, of course. anyway, that was just a thought.

in any case, you have nothing to feel guilty about, or responsible for. as bob said, its not possible to make someone die by wishing it on them. and even if it were possible, you already said that you didn't literally want him to die - you just loathed the man (justifiably) and would rather he wasn't around.

so if you had genuinely believed it possible to kill someone that way, you wouldn't have killed him, because you didn't literally want him dead (if you see what i mean).

keep posting about the other problems you mentioned - there are loads of people on here with much better advice than me !

wishing you all the best friend

by the way, obvious question: have you talked to your parents or family about all this? if you have a good relationship with them, you must talk to them!

 

[Stark Words]

Hi, and thanks to both of you. I think Dementia could very well be possible, Soren. He was getting quite old, and I never knew him before, but my Dad says he was never perverted in any way.. (I asked him one day, and my dad was offended by the question. ) I never have been good at talking about things, and my family is more of a "I don't want to talk about it, so just forget it" kind of family, if you know what I mean.

I went to a teen counselor a couple months ago, and the counselor suggested a psychiatrist in town. So, my mother took me to him, and he put me on 100mg Zoloft and 1mg Xanax. That was a month ago, and I guess I expected to feel better already. I don't feel much different though. So, now I decided I'd try to come on here, since talking to strangers may be easier. I like this forum so far.

Thanks for listening!

 

[Soren]

hi again,

i'm glad you went to see a counsellor - its very important to talk, especially if you're prone to being a bit reclusive. feeling isolated can become a problem all by itself.

i suppose its hardly the easiest thing to talk about at the best of times, let alone when your family aren't that easy to talk to. my family are the same, and i'm no good at opening up either, so i think i know what you mean.

still, if you could tell someone i think it would help you, even if its excruciating at the time!

take care of yourself soren.