Dear Huntsman,
Well done for describing what has happened, I know this will have been very painful. Whilst the circumstances were slightly different I know exactly how you will be feeling. To those reading this post with no warning whatsoever this is the emotional equivalent of being hit by a very young and very fit Mike Tyson. The emotional pain is extremely intense, as you alone know these words don't actually come close to the way one feels after something like this. I think I could probably describe how this feels but others reading would find it far too disturbing as for me at least the emotional pain manifests itself as also a physical pain.
When something very similar happened to me about six months, it took me a while to find the following article which is the best I've found at summarising what I believe you have also experienced. So does the following sound familiar to you ? As this is a known MH condition, that is frequently miss-diagnosed but probably relatively common too:
People with ADHD have passionate thoughts and emotions that are more intense than those of the average person. Their highs are higher and their lows are lower. This means you may experience both happiness and criticism more powerfully than your peers and loved ones do.
Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is an intense vulnerability to the perception – not necessarily the reality – of being rejected, teased, or criticized by important people in your life. RSD causes extreme emotional pain that may also be triggered by a sense of failure, or falling short – failing to meet either your own high standards or others’ expectations.
It is a primitive reaction that people with ADHD often struggle to describe. They say, “I can’t find the words to tell you what it feels like, but I can hardly stand it.” Often, people experience RSD as physical pain, like they’ve been stabbed or struck right in the center of their chest
"I feel extreme guilt for what I did... and grief... and regret... even writing this makes me cry".
I strongly suspect that you are suffering from ADHD/RSD in that you believe you have caused extreme pain to your friend and she has seemingly rejected you by cutting off communication with you and now you can't get her out of your head either or resolve the situation as you would wish to do. Am I correct ?
I also experienced ADHD/Emotional Hyper Arousal, which I think goes hand in hand with the really painful one which is RSD.
So Dear Huntsman you are not alone, and "I know you never ever meant to intentionally hurt your friend and this is not your fault" (queue tears as they roll down your cheeks).
It has been months since this happened to me, on reflection the behavior of the other person including unresolved issues they had contributed to my own downfall which happened when I was undergoing considerable and prolonged extreme stress. I suspect that makes one much more vulnerable to the wickedness and misery which is ADHD/EHA and RSD which is what I'm convinced happened to me and most likely you too.
Really hope the above helps you, my advice is to take things very easily as this will take time and effort to resolve. Message me if you would like.
