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I feel broken

H

huntsman

Active member
Joined
Oct 31, 2020
Messages
40
Location
EU
Hi

I recently lost a friend (they didn't die), I posted about this on the SH forum, but this is a more in depth explanation, she was my life line, and we were inseparable, we have known each other for 7 years now. When Covid hit in march and everything shutdown, it was hard for both of us but we helped each other through it. We talked for hours, daily, played games and tried to cheer each other up (we are students, we didn't have anything better to do other than study).

Unfortunately my mental health was already a bit unstable, she ended up helping me a lot more than I helped her.

I started showing signs of depression and severe anxiety, but she stood by my side and helped me, even though helping me was dragging her mental health down too. Unfortunately I did not realise this... I was so absorbed by my problems I didn't think to stop and realise that talking to her about my dark thoughts was making her feel worse.

Then summer came and I felt better, I was beginning to get out of my depression and our friendship became stronger than ever before.

Then school arrived and my stress came back, and my mental health plummeted. I became suicidal and she did her best to help me, and she stopped me from committing suicide, but she couldn't take it anymore and decided to stop helping me.

I was shocked, and then the realisation of what I did to her sank in... and I felt like a monster... I felt... so evil for putting her through all that, I tried to make amends, but she didn't want to talk saying that she just doesn't like me anymore, and the day before Christmas she told me to never text her again unless she texts me first.

I feel extreme guilt for what I did... and grief... and regret... even writing this makes me cry.

She is still in the same friend group, which makes it very awkward at times.
When we are in a group call and she is laughing and joking with the others and towards me she has this cold unforgiving tone. That just makes me feel so much regret.

And now... I feel empty. I lost my best friend because of my own selfishness, she was the one that recommended this forum to me. I owe so much to her. Yet all I did is make her sad. I think about her every day, and how happy we would be if I didn't ask her to help me, with my mental health.

Feel free to judge me how you like...
I have lost faith in my self and have no self esteem.

I hope I can be better...
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
5,974
Location
Nashua NH
Hi Huntsmen I’m sorry you lost your friend, it must be very painful. It’s understandable that when you were suffering you reached out for help from someone who you cared about and trusted. That she chose to help you through the situation, though challenging, is a beautiful thing. Having been in her situation before it can become easy to burn out helping friends with serious problems such as what you were going through at the time. And while I’m not sure I understand her animosity towards you feeling burned out and possibly a little used up too is par for the course. For these reasons I no longer trouble my parents with these kinds of issues. I talk them over with my therapist instead. It seems your depression may be cyclical and might read its head again at some point. Do you have supports in place, like a therapist, so you can be well prepared should a depressive episode happen again? xo, j
 
P

PureDevo

Member
Joined
Jan 11, 2021
Messages
24
Location
Québec
Hello. I'm sorry you lost a good friend.
My advice would be to give her space even if it hurts. I think that what's she wants. She said not to message her except if she message first which would mean she's not closed to be your friend forever. Maybe she just needs to get back on her feet and take care of herself first. If you guys have been this close for so long, your friendship will survive this!

You are welcome to private message me if you need to talk! In the mean time I hope my message give you a fresh perspective!
 
H

huntsman

Active member
Joined
Oct 31, 2020
Messages
40
Location
EU
Hi Huntsmen I’m sorry you lost your friend, it must be very painful. It’s understandable that when you were suffering you reached out for help from someone who you cared about and trusted. That she chose to help you through the situation, though challenging, is a beautiful thing. Having been in her situation before it can become easy to burn out helping friends with serious problems such as what you were going through at the time. And while I’m not sure I understand her animosity towards you feeling burned out and possibly a little used up too is par for the course. For these reasons I no longer trouble my parents with these kinds of issues. I talk them over with my therapist instead. It seems your depression may be cyclical and might read its head again at some point. Do you have supports in place, like a therapist, so you can be well prepared should a depressive episode happen again? xo, j
Hi, thank you for your reply and concern.

She is a begrudging person, I have seen her end friendships for less. I honestly should have expected it. But I didn't... I guess I'm dumb.

It most likely is cyclical, and right now I have this site for quick help, and my psychologist tries to help me with my anxiety.

School has started again... and my depression is returning, but I'm determined to try to get through... I think its what she would want.
 
Barny67

Barny67

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 25, 2020
Messages
227
Location
Middlesbrough
The best thing you can do more yourself & your friend is fix you.
I’m not really sure why she has gone from caring to being vindictive. If she couldn’t help ya anymore then why not just say so. Look after yourself and be somebody. Tc
 
H

huntsman

Active member
Joined
Oct 31, 2020
Messages
40
Location
EU
The best thing you can do more yourself & your friend is fix you.
I’m not really sure why she has gone from caring to being vindictive. If she couldn’t help ya anymore then why not just say so. Look after yourself and be somebody. Tc
Hi
Thank you for writing.
I will try.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,801
Hi

I recently lost a friend (they didn't die), I posted about this on the SH forum, but this is a more in depth explanation, she was my life line, and we were inseparable, we have known each other for 7 years now. When Covid hit in march and everything shutdown, it was hard for both of us but we helped each other through it. We talked for hours, daily, played games and tried to cheer each other up (we are students, we didn't have anything better to do other than study).

Unfortunately my mental health was already a bit unstable, she ended up helping me a lot more than I helped her.

I started showing signs of depression and severe anxiety, but she stood by my side and helped me, even though helping me was dragging her mental health down too. Unfortunately I did not realise this... I was so absorbed by my problems I didn't think to stop and realise that talking to her about my dark thoughts was making her feel worse.

Then summer came and I felt better, I was beginning to get out of my depression and our friendship became stronger than ever before.

Then school arrived and my stress came back, and my mental health plummeted. I became suicidal and she did her best to help me, and she stopped me from committing suicide, but she couldn't take it anymore and decided to stop helping me.

I was shocked, and then the realisation of what I did to her sank in... and I felt like a monster... I felt... so evil for putting her through all that, I tried to make amends, but she didn't want to talk saying that she just doesn't like me anymore, and the day before Christmas she told me to never text her again unless she texts me first.

I feel extreme guilt for what I did... and grief... and regret... even writing this makes me cry.

She is still in the same friend group, which makes it very awkward at times.
When we are in a group call and she is laughing and joking with the others and towards me she has this cold unforgiving tone. That just makes me feel so much regret.

And now... I feel empty. I lost my best friend because of my own selfishness, she was the one that recommended this forum to me. I owe so much to her. Yet all I did is make her sad. I think about her every day, and how happy we would be if I didn't ask her to help me, with my mental health.

Feel free to judge me how you like...
I have lost faith in my self and have no self esteem.

I hope I can be better...
Your friend's actions don't really fit in with what you have written here. I wonder if your understanding of the situation is correct? Have you apologised to her and actually asked her what it is you have done so wrong? It will at least give you closure on what has happened, and possibly show you a way forward. There may also be lessons to be learned? Perhaps your friend has her own struggles even? Self/group help is great, but sometimes we need Health Care Professionals, I wonder if this is/was one of those times... Hope this helps :)
 
H

huntsman

Active member
Joined
Oct 31, 2020
Messages
40
Location
EU
Your friend's actions don't really fit in with what you have written here. I wonder if your understanding of the situation is correct? Have you apologised to her and actually asked her what it is you have done so wrong? It will at least give you closure on what has happened, and possibly show you a way forward. There may also be lessons to be learned? Perhaps your friend has her own struggles even? Self/group help is great, but sometimes we need Health Care Professionals, I wonder if this is/was one of those times... Hope this helps :)
Hi
Thank you for your help.
I have apologised. She said there is nothing to apologise about, that she understands my point of view, and doesn't see me as a bad person but "I don't like you anymore, and I won't force my self to like you, there is nothing you can do change my mind".
I have asked what I did wrong, she said she can't deal with me anymore that I have hurt her, and even talking to her annoys her.
She does have her own struggles, her family is quite abusive, I have tried to help her with that, but she said she want's to deal with that on her own.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,801
There is nothing to apologise about, but she doesn't like you anymore... I wonder how close you became... she sounds like she needs her space, but I'm no expert etc. You could try re-assuring her you still like her, and you value her friendship and you're sorry for causing her grief etc. Don't know if this is a help though...
 
H

huntsman

Active member
Joined
Oct 31, 2020
Messages
40
Location
EU
There is nothing to apologise about, but she doesn't like you anymore... I wonder how close you became... she sounds like she needs her space, but I'm no expert etc. You could try re-assuring her you still like her, and you value her friendship and you're sorry for causing her grief etc. Don't know if this is a help though...
Hi
We were very close... I did tell her I take full responsibility for my actions, and apologise.
But she doesn't really care.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,801
If you go round ticking all the right boxes, why wouldn't she care? I bet she does... Hope this helps :)
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
1,801
Thing is she's basically asking you to leave her alone, so as long as you have apologised to her, you have told her you value her friendship, there's not a lot you can do. Sometimes friendships go round in circles, you just have to be patient, and wait for her to start appreciating you once more... Chances are you won't have to wait too long. Hope this helps :)
 
H

huntsman

Active member
Joined
Oct 31, 2020
Messages
40
Location
EU
Thing is she's basically asking you to leave her alone, so as long as you have apologised to her, you have told her you value her friendship, there's not a lot you can do. Sometimes friendships go round in circles, you just have to be patient, and wait for her to start appreciating you once more... Chances are you won't have to wait too long. Hope this helps :)
Thank you... it does help to hear what other people think.
 
Wildflower112

Wildflower112

Member
Joined
Jan 1, 2021
Messages
13
Location
UK
Dear Huntsman,

Well done for describing what has happened, I know this will have been very painful. Whilst the circumstances were slightly different I know exactly how you will be feeling. To those reading this post with no warning whatsoever this is the emotional equivalent of being hit by a very young and very fit Mike Tyson. The emotional pain is extremely intense, as you alone know these words don't actually come close to the way one feels after something like this. I think I could probably describe how this feels but others reading would find it far too disturbing as for me at least the emotional pain manifests itself as also a physical pain.

When something very similar happened to me about six months, it took me a while to find the following article which is the best I've found at summarising what I believe you have also experienced. So does the following sound familiar to you ? As this is a known MH condition, that is frequently miss-diagnosed but probably relatively common too:

People with ADHD have passionate thoughts and emotions that are more intense than those of the average person. Their highs are higher and their lows are lower. This means you may experience both happiness and criticism more powerfully than your peers and loved ones do.
Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) is an intense vulnerability to the perception – not necessarily the reality – of being rejected, teased, or criticized by important people in your life. RSD causes extreme emotional pain that may also be triggered by a sense of failure, or falling short – failing to meet either your own high standards or others’ expectations.


It is a primitive reaction that people with ADHD often struggle to describe. They say, “I can’t find the words to tell you what it feels like, but I can hardly stand it.” Often, people experience RSD as physical pain, like they’ve been stabbed or struck right in the center of their chest

"I feel extreme guilt for what I did... and grief... and regret... even writing this makes me cry".

I strongly suspect that you are suffering from ADHD/RSD in that you believe you have caused extreme pain to your friend and she has seemingly rejected you by cutting off communication with you and now you can't get her out of your head either or resolve the situation as you would wish to do. Am I correct ?

I also experienced ADHD/Emotional Hyper Arousal, which I think goes hand in hand with the really painful one which is RSD.

So Dear Huntsman you are not alone, and "I know you never ever meant to intentionally hurt your friend and this is not your fault" (queue tears as they roll down your cheeks).

It has been months since this happened to me, on reflection the behavior of the other person including unresolved issues they had contributed to my own downfall which happened when I was undergoing considerable and prolonged extreme stress. I suspect that makes one much more vulnerable to the wickedness and misery which is ADHD/EHA and RSD which is what I'm convinced happened to me and most likely you too.

Really hope the above helps you, my advice is to take things very easily as this will take time and effort to resolve. Message me if you would like.
 
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