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I feel bad

Kuromi

Kuromi

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Joined
Oct 21, 2021
Messages
14
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The Void
Okay so obvious trigger warning for people struggling with, or recovering from an eating disorder. Please think of your own mental health first before helping others. Much love.

Also, I think I didn't break any of the guidelines, but if I did, please let me know!















I felt like dropping my entire life-story, but if you don't feel like reading all that, skip to the final part. (Which is just me asking for advice.)



Hi, I've been struggling with an eating disorder (boulimia) for a few years now. It usually occurs during summer for me because wearing more revealing clothes will make me more aware of my body.

This time it's different though. I recently learned in therapy that seasonal depression occurs a lot in people with ADHD which I have. I don't want to self diagnose, but it would make a lot of sense.

About a week ago I could hardly eat/get out of bed and just felt miserable in general. The not eating part triggered something inside of me and made my body issues even worse. Today is my sisters birthday and I figured 'Screw it. I'll just eat properly for today. Who cares if it's unhealthy?' Well, my stupid brain cares. I called a friend crying because I never wanted to purge as badly as in that very moment. They didn't understand what I was going through apart from the body issues, but they did manage to distract me for a bit.

Anyways, I didn't stay distracted for long. I didn't even purge on purpose. It's just that the thought of food in my body is so repulsive to me at the moment I felt like being sick. Then I had some dinner with my family, and threw up again. I still feel icky cause I feel like I didn't get everything out I think. I feel guilty and scared that my family noticed because

1) this day isn't about me
2) my family already has enough to deal with
3) I don't want people constantly asking me questions or feel concerned for me.

I'm scared I'll develop anorexia, even though this has only been going on for a short time now and I still have been eating /some/ things (mostly dinner so that my family won't be worried/question me I guess). I know the effects ED's have on your body, but not wanting those effects to happen to me still make no difference.

It's stupid because rationally I know this is bad for me, and that there's healthier alternatives to losing weight, but in my brain I just feel so awful about myself and my body that I can't even go through the day without thinking about food and how it will affect me as of lately. I'm just angry. I'll see people with the same, or even bigger body's than me and think they're so beautiful, but when I see myself I just think I'm fat. (In a derogatory way. Obviously fat doesn't equal ugly. But in my own body it does for whatever stupid reason.)

Anyways, all this to say, does anyone have any tips on what to do when you have the urge to be sick or form a healthier relationship with food? The last few times it just passed for a little while but I want it to pass right now and just feel good about myself. Any tips for body neutrality?

Thanks for reading!
 
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Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
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Nov 10, 2019
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12,113
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England
:welcome:

I'm so glad you have come here as there are many people going through similar struggles to you who will be able to support you through this.

Please rest and be kind to yourself tonight and i am sure things will start to get better from now on.

Please keep writing :)

Tawny x
 
Kuromi

Kuromi

Member
Joined
Oct 21, 2021
Messages
14
Location
The Void
:welcome:

I'm so glad you have come here as there are many people going through similar struggles to you who will be able to support you through this.

Please rest and be kind to yourself tonight and i am sure things will start to get better from now on.

Please keep writing :)

Tawny x
Thank you for your kind words, honestly a place to just write stuff down or scream into the void already helps lol, hope you have a good night!
 
A

ape130

Active member
Joined
Oct 18, 2021
Messages
35
Location
Utah
Have you read the book Intuitive Eating? IT's really helpful for creating a better relationship with food. It talks about lots of things like how there's no good or bad foods, we just need variety. Also I understand where you're coming from about feeling like others in bigger bodies are beautiful but judging your own body as "bad." I feel like that too, even though it doesn't make sense but I think we are just harder on ourselves and society's expectations of our bodies has a part in it. I would also say to get into see a therapist, mine saved my life when my eating disorder got bad.
 
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