I feel bad about my grow up story

Soul_Deeps

Soul_Deeps

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 31, 2017
Messages
129
Location
Germany
#1
Hey,

My childhood was kinda ok I guess. I grew up in a normal family. My time in school then was just horrible. The thing is, I always felt and was alone. I was never close to my family.

Somehow I hate that so much. I wish I would have grown up in a children's home. I hate me too for thinking that because I know it's hell for so many children and not easy.

I just feel like my childhood story does not fit to me at all. It's just boring and too normal and it made me have a family. But I am not close to my family and I don't even want to have them in my life. I somehow think if my childhood story was less meaningless, I could maybe better understand who I am. It feels like I have no identity. If I grew up in a children's home, I would have grown up with many different other children, without parents and with lots of stories. It does not really matter to me if those stories were negative or positive... If I think about it, I think I would like to have a lot of negatives one though. Idk why I would want that. I feel so bad about this.
I can see how my depressing life has damaged me since I went to school, but everything before just feels so non existant, like it was completely detached from me. I really really want to just start a new life and grow up completely different.

Funny thing I am just realising is, I am always so much in favor of moving and leaving and I could start in another city or country anew every month. If I had the money and energy and wasn't so afraid of everything, by now I would have probably lived in like a thousand different places. Maybe this is related? Maybe it is not, I don't really know.

I really wonder how I should be able to find myself if I refuse to walk on the street that is leading to me. :/
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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Joined
Jun 11, 2017
Messages
1,579
Location
USA
#2
I wish my childhood had been different.My life would be completely different,I would be completely different if it had been.

But it wasn't and now as an adult I have to somehow accept how it was and create a life for myself.

Your childhood does affect who you become as an adult but it doesn't have to be the deciding factor if you choose to not let it be.Are you seeing a therapist to help you through this and to help you figure things out?
 
Soul_Deeps

Soul_Deeps

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 31, 2017
Messages
129
Location
Germany
#3
I don't think I ever talked about this with a therapist, but I will next time I have one. I am currently "waiting" to go into a stationary therapy, but that is a very difficult task by itself, hopefully soon I can go there.
 
Soul_Deeps

Soul_Deeps

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 31, 2017
Messages
129
Location
Germany
#5
Thanks, but peace is like a lot more I could ever hope for, it would already be a step if I could like find atleast something in myself :D