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I don't want to stop

M

Miliana

Member
Joined
Apr 25, 2020
Messages
24
Location
France
I downloaded an app which I would recommend to all of you members, even though I'm sure everyone knows it.
It's "I Am Sober".
It asked "I want to stay sober from self harm because..." and I realised I don't actually want to.
I feel like somehow I deserve it, and it calms me down.
I am no longer scared of new scars appearing since my parents don't know their exact locations, the last time they saw then it was 3 years ago.
I don't want to stop SH because I will always hate myself.
And in my mind I imagine that people will hate me less knowing I already hurt and hate myself.
I lost all motivation guys, I am no longer scared about my scars being deeper and very visible.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
4,324
Location
England
That is so sad to hear Miliana. I hope you won't always hate yourself. Does that hate last all day long or are there times when you like yourself?
 
M

Miliana

Member
Joined
Apr 25, 2020
Messages
24
Location
France
That is so sad to hear Miliana. I hope you won't always hate yourself. Does that hate last all day long or are there times when you like yourself?
It last all day, the few times when I don't think about it is when I simply don't care, but these times are becoming so rare.
I feel like everyone hates me for every action I make through a day.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
6,807
Location
England
It sounds like you are in a lot of pain inside and hurting yourself is the only way you know. Have you ever had any therapy? Talking about the pain you feel inside and finding out the cause could change how you view things. I am so sorry you hate yourself. It sounds like you deserve compassion and understanding, not punishment.
 
Mal84

Mal84

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 15, 2020
Messages
1,529
Location
Hovering in the Atlantic
I was once in your exact mindset. That could of been my writing that I just read.

I’m sorry that you think you deserve it and that you hate yourself. Again, I’ve been in that mindset but you really don’t deserve it, no one does but I know that’s hard to hear let alone believe.

It’s only been this year that I have not been self harming but it’s made me realise that it was my mind playing tricks on me, it still does, I have a mind that constantly tells me to but I haven’t.

I know it seems impossible right now but things will get better. It takes a lot of effort but it will.

You DON’T deserve it.

I do hope you will start feeling better about yourself soon and see through the cloud you are on at the moment.

Take care:hug1:
 
TheSadnessWillLastForever

TheSadnessWillLastForever

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 28, 2019
Messages
48
Location
Ohio
I feel the same way. It calms me down when I'm anxious it helps me feel better when I'm depressed and it only hurts me, so why stop? Just know you're not alone in that feeling
 
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george81

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 21, 2019
Messages
190
Location
UK
Hello, I feel the same as you. I've been doing it now for 23 years and have no desire to stop I'm afraid. It helps me and makes me feel better, if only for a short time. I had counselling to try and stop but it didn't make me stop. I feel I deserve it and will never change the way I feel about myself because I am nothing and am scum
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
6,807
Location
England
Hello, I feel the same as you. I've been doing it now for 23 years and have no desire to stop I'm afraid. It helps me and makes me feel better, if only for a short time. I had counselling to try and stop but it didn't make me stop. I feel I deserve it and will never change the way I feel about myself because I am nothing and am scum
Counselling is not in depth enough for self harm. It is possible another therapy will be more helpful. You do not deserve pain and you are not scum. You are in pain and deserve support.
 
G

george81

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 21, 2019
Messages
190
Location
UK
Thank you very much for your kind reply. i don't know what's wrong with me to be honest. I really feel like I don;t want to be here and everyone hates me, quite rightly so because I hate myself. Medication is not working at the moment but it's early days. But then some days I often think I don;t want to recover because I'm so used to feeling like this and don;t know any different! Mad isn't it? Take care x
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
6,807
Location
England
Thank you very much for your kind reply. i don't know what's wrong with me to be honest. I really feel like I don;t want to be here and everyone hates me, quite rightly so because I hate myself. Medication is not working at the moment but it's early days. But then some days I often think I don;t want to recover because I'm so used to feeling like this and don;t know any different! Mad isn't it? Take care x
I can understand you feeling you do not want to recover because you are used to the feeling but getting support addresses and challenges the pain. It does not change who you are as a person. Often when a person does not like themselves it is because they have others peoples cruel words in their head. It does not mean you are not worthy of love.
 
G

george81

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 21, 2019
Messages
190
Location
UK
I can understand you feeling you do not want to recover because you are used to the feeling but getting support addresses and challenges the pain. It does not change who you are as a person. Often when a person does not like themselves it is because they have others peoples cruel words in their head. It does not mean you are not worthy of love.
:grouphug:
 
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