I don't want to live anymore

A

angelflower

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Life is too painful. I can't keep going. I've been texting the Samaritans which has helped alleviate some of my distress. I still have the urges to harm others which I've been having. Because of those urges I believe I don't deserve to live any more. I have come to the conclusion that I'm an evil monster.
 
Zardos

Zardos

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A lot of us have those urges.. You are not alone.. You need to get an appointment with you shrink.. They ought to be able to give you something for your urges.. The urge to hurt others is one thing the shrinks do listen to.. They can't afford you to see them and then go out and do something 'crazy'.. They'll help you even if it is only to cover they're own backs..

You're not evil or a monster.. Intrusive thoughts can be a bitch.. You just need a strategy to minimize them.. There is a way out of this without you harming yourself... As for you saying what you deserve... Who is to say what you do and don't deserve..Maybe what you deserve is an even break.. Who is to tell ?

So what did the Samaritans say ?.. i've used there services in the past.. not a bad bunch..

Keep plugging away.. You have got the rest of your life to live.. Don't give that up
 
A

angelflower

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A lot of us have those urges.. You are not alone.. You need to get an appointment with you shrink.. They ought to be able to give you something for your urges.. The urge to hurt others is one thing the shrinks do listen to.. They can't afford you to see them and then go out and do something 'crazy'.. They'll help you even if it is only to cover they're own backs..

You're not evil or a monster.. Intrusive thoughts can be a bitch.. You just need a strategy to minimize them.. There is a way out of this without you harming yourself... As for you saying what you deserve... Who is to say what you do and don't deserve..Maybe what you deserve is an even break.. Who is to tell ?

So what did the Samaritans say ?.. i've used there services in the past.. not a bad bunch..

Keep plugging away.. You have got the rest of your life to live.. Don't give that up
I recently had an appointment with my consultant. He knows how I'm feeling. My whole care team know. They've also informed the police and my hubby (who I don't live with, but he has custody of the children). My consultant upped my medication a bit but I don't think that has made any difference. So yes, they've definitely taken seriously what I disclosed. The Samaritans have been very helpful. I don't like to pick up the phone, so texting has been a lifeline.
 
I

incadove

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hey Angelflower, don't give up! I'm guessing you probably have some trauma in your past that is just making these urges come, you are not bad for having them! I don't know what medications you are on but maybe switching them instead of upping them. I work with a kid in foster ed who is on Zyprexa, without that he gets angry and sad and combative, but with it he is super sweet. Its still him both ways, but the zyprexa helps him deal with the emotions from trauma as a child. I am not a doctor but maybe you can ask your doctor about what the medication choices are.
 
Zardos

Zardos

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Have you tried e-mailing them.. You can say allot more then in a text.. i used to send them pages of stuff.. And you at least know that someone will read it.

How bad are these urges ? And what they key on.. Or is it random..Or is it everybody you meet ?
 
A

angelflower

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hey Angelflower, don't give up! I'm guessing you probably have some trauma in your past that is just making these urges come, you are not bad for having them! I don't know what medications you are on but maybe switching them instead of upping them. I work with a kid in foster ed who is on Zyprexa, without that he gets angry and sad and combative, but with it he is super sweet. Its still him both ways, but the zyprexa helps him deal with the emotions from trauma as a child. I am not a doctor but maybe you can ask your doctor about what the medication choices are.
I just can't keep going. I'm exhausted. Carrying out my urges would give me a huge release.
 
A

angelflower

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Zardos, I used to email but I find texting I get a quicker response. I don't know if I'm allowed to say what my urges are, but they are the sort that would end me up in prison.
 
Zardos

Zardos

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I just can't keep going. I'm exhausted. Carrying out my urges would give me a huge release.
sure.. but one way or another they'd lock you up, which would really suck.. Last time i flipped they put me on a secure unit under lock and key... it was as close to prison as i ever want to get.. If you give in to your urges it'll be to late.. The world will move around you and you'll have no control over what happens to you..
You should get help now.. Before you do something you can't take back.. Bug your consultant with it or your gp. Its their job after all
 
A

angelflower

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sure.. but one way or another they'd lock you up, which would really suck.. Last time i flipped they put me on a secure unit under lock and key... it was as close to prison as i ever want to get.. If you give in to your urges it'll be to late.. The world will move around you and you'll have no control over what happens to you..
You should get help now.. Before you do something you can't take back.. Bug your consultant with it or your gp. Its their job after all
I had 3+ years in a low-secure unit. I originally had those urges which is why I ended up there. But those urges reduced with time. I don't know what else they could do to help me where I am now. I live in 24-7 supported accommodation, where there is also a CPN on site. I have my own CPN at the moment too, as well as a consultant. I have a DBT therapist and also go to skills group.
 
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incadove

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I just can't keep going. I'm exhausted. Carrying out my urges would give me a huge release.
hey angelflower - yeah, if its like to wash hands or something thats fine, but of course if your urges would hurt yourself or others you just can't do them. Can you decide to take a small step, like to text your doctor about needing different meds?
 
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incadove

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maybe also hit or destroy something inanimate, even a photo, if you have urges to harm?
 
A

angelflower

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hey incadove, i'm really struggling not to act on them.
 
S

Stormcloud

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You really need some help. You have been struggling for awhile now. I would contact your CPN and doctor and tell them again how you feel.
 
A

angelflower

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You really need some help. You have been struggling for awhile now. I would contact your CPN and doctor and tell them again how you feel.
There's nothing else anyone can do.
 
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incadove

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good for you - that means you are not a monster! there has to be a solution, because there are other people in the same situation somewhere who found solutions. I don't know what it is but there has to be one. keep trying different things. sorry I don't understand better!
 
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