• Share. Be Supported. Recover.

    We are a friendly, safe community supporting each other's mental health. We are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

I don't want to get to 30

G

Gee93

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2021
Messages
58
Location
United Kingdom
Pshhh sound like a right moaner on this site, apologies for anyone who reads my negative rants. I really don't want to get to 30 and if I don't die naturally by then, I'll make sure I don't by my own hand. It just doesn't seem right to be honest, for me to live a long life, I don't think its meant to be. I'm still 2 1/2 years off lol, but it will soon be here. I'm just not like ordinary people with kids, jobs, etc.. I feel abit lost to be honest. I have the physical health of an old man, biggest issue is failing eyesight which makes me think, do I even want to live long with fucked up eyesight?.. not really.

I probably have one thing worth living for and that's music. I have 50 songs written, which I've been sitting on for a couple years (too lazy to record) and probably another 100 planned. I'm confident my music is decent, maybe not for the first 10-20 song maybe, but after that I notice a consistent improvement. But even I did make a name for myself, I'd inevitably be cancelled due to my embarrassing past. I'm still going to do it anyway.. I got to nothing to lose. At least I would of have managed to create a little legacy for myself and hopefully something positive to leave behind, for my short life.

I know I'm not getting to 30 and I'm honestly sad a little bit, you know when you can just feel it. I would of wanted a better life and its not fair on my parents, life is cruel. My hand is severely scarred from self harming (haven't done so for about 6 weeks now) but I'm planning to really go to town again soon on my other hand, arms or legs.

Living at home with my mom doesn't help, I'd much rather live on my own. She doesn't mean too, but she irritates me and my constant depression and hostility is not fair on her.

One side of the coin too, I feel sad about not having kids, a partner, normal job.. but then I think do I really want that? Kids seem mad stressful to me and being an ordinairy person with an ordinairy job.. that doesn't seem very appealing either lol. There's an ego inside of me that knows I can do better than that, but then they probably think being normal is alot better and healthier than being an unhappy, weird outkast. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I don't. I'm severely fucked up. Is it best if I go into mental institution for abit? because I'm honestly not right and very unhappy and have been for sometime now. I'm just taking it out on my mom, which isn't fair and nice.

I have a telephone appointment coming up next week with a physciatrist, so hopefully that helps but I highly doubt a telephone conversation is going to change my life lol. I'm just severely, severely, severely.. fucked up.

Once again, apologies for the depressing read if anyone reads this.. I just feel so alone and trapped right now. I feel really distant to my mom. We're in the process of moving house and she's been really happy to get it, but I've been a complete jerk during this moving out period. I was settled in the old/current home and didn't really want to leave/do any work.

Anyway, I think it just be better when I'm dead. My mom will be at peace and free, I'm not fun to be around anyway. My life is riddled with health issues, eventually dealing with hospitals, doctors and uncomfortable/painful symptoms will just depress me even more. My passion music, a possible way out, could possibly ruin my life due to my embarrassing past. I honestly just can't win. Getting a job again, struggling with work and being surrounding by people on a daily basis, thats what I'd have to look forward too if I stayed alive.

Once again, I just wish I'd pass away peacefully and my parents would be okay. I hope I get a happier, healthier and more positive than this one in the next because this is honestly HELL. As I've said before, been lucky to have had nice homes in nice areas but I'd rather be reincarnated in a poor area and be happy and healthy, more resilient and likable. Anyway, whether its natural courses or suicide, its not going to end nicely for me. Hopefully, it will be quick and peaceful and if its not, hopefully I will rewarded with something worthwhile in the next life.

P.S I just don't feel very well, mentally.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

Well-known member
Moderator
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 6, 2017
Messages
8,720
Location
Sheffield
It may help to have a look at these two pages on the forum: Suicidal Crisis and Mental Health Forum - Getting Help about what to do if you're feeling suicidal, or if you need emergency help. I hope you can use the forum for support during this difficult time.

If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
 
D

ddjaz0

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 23, 2015
Messages
97
What’s so bad about your past? A lot of people are having an existential crisis right now with lack of money, employment and meaning in life. Please try to change the channel away from self hate. Not to minimize your situation, but you are not alone in your problems.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2011
Messages
39,933
Location
Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
i never wanted to turn 20 ,but im 41 now ,life has been very hard but i met someone special and life can be wonderful ,i hope you find happiness in life and live until old age xx
 
G

Gee93

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2021
Messages
58
Location
United Kingdom
What’s so bad about your past? A lot of people are having an existential crisis right now with lack of money, employment and meaning in life. Please try to change the channel away from self hate. Not to minimize your situation, but you are not alone in your problems.
You don't want to know mate, I've explained it on another post a couple of weeks ago, i'm too embarrassed to go over it again. I know I know, its a tough world we live in isn't it. Bad luck and fate, affecting many people across the globe, not just me. I will try my best, but its been a consistent frame of mind for many years now.
 
G

Gee93

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2021
Messages
58
Location
United Kingdom
i never wanted to turn 20 ,but im 41 now ,life has been very hard but i met someone special and life can be wonderful ,i hope you find happiness in life and live until old age xx
Good for you x I'm pleased you found someone to make you happy. It is indeed, thank you ever so much and I wish the same for you too xx
 
G

Gee93

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2021
Messages
58
Location
United Kingdom
Maybe your music could help you find happiness? :hug:
I certainly hope so.. its the only productive thing I'm good at. I really hope I can turn my life around and have something to show for it, I could go happy then. I can't go happy at the moment, its too empty and unfilled.. but at the same time I would be out of my misery. I'm trying not to think like that at the moment lol, but I have many different rap songs. As you might of guessed, many songs about mental heath/depession, political songs attacking the goverment to make positive changes, motivational songs and when I'm in a good mood, the occasional cocky songs with punchlines, flos and metaphors. I would love it after everything I've gone through, music (hopefully a talent) would be the happy ending. "Keep it real until I'm leaving, take me anytime I don't care if I'm succeeding".
 
D

ddjaz0

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 23, 2015
Messages
97
Talk about it anonymously in a post. That may help. A lot of people have embarrassing stuff in their past. I was on hard drugs for like 10 years non stop and lost jobs, friends, all my possessions, stole/used money that I shouldn’t have.
You’ll be alright.
You hit bottom when you stopped digging is what they say in AA. Every day is a new opportunity. In a way you past is not real, it’s only in your head.
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,540
Location
US
Hey, @Gee93, for starters I can assure you that your mom would in no way be better if you were gone. I know that line of thinking, believed it 100 percent myself at times I did impulsive things. But it is a delusion, part of the depression speaking to you. I can relate to a lot of your post, never thought I'd make it to 50, never thought I was "meant to be here", etc. But you are. We all are. We have a purpose, there is a reason you are still here, and a reason to go on. It's never the answer. And from what you've said about your scars, you know that feeling after doing it, that you have damaged yourself further, more scars. I cover mine every day. But I also feel so lucky every single day, no matter how bad, that my suicide attempts were unsuccessful. I truly believed everyone would be relieved, it would be a weight off their backs. Nothing could be further from the truth. After losing a couple of friends that way, it is a pain and guilt you never get over, and certainly it would crush your mom. It is never the answer.

Have you tried any quick DBT techniques to change what your mind is telling you? It is a gift you have with music, and. you need to share that gift. You express yourself, you have been through hell and made it this far and have turned it into something of value, which is all we can do with this. Help others, understand them, and try to turn it into something good. Life is shit a lot of the time, and when you're in the darkness you are in right now, you need to get professional help right away. Please. And keep venting here if you need to. People care. And your mom more than cares. It would kill her.
 
G

Gee93

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2021
Messages
58
Location
United Kingdom
Talk about it anonymously in a post. That may help. A lot of people have embarrassing stuff in their past. I was on hard drugs for like 10 years non stop and lost jobs, friends, all my possessions, stole/used money that I shouldn’t have.
You’ll be alright.
You hit bottom when you stopped digging is what they say in AA. Every day is a new opportunity. In a way you past is not real, it’s only in your head.
Good for you for getting off drugs, I used to be addicted to weed and still am to takeaways/junk food. Seems like a tough 10 years you went through, I'm glad/hope your doing better now.
 
G

Gee93

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2021
Messages
58
Location
United Kingdom
Hey, @Gee93, for starters I can assure you that your mom would in no way be better if you were gone. I know that line of thinking, believed it 100 percent myself at times I did impulsive things. But it is a delusion, part of the depression speaking to you. I can relate to a lot of your post, never thought I'd make it to 50, never thought I was "meant to be here", etc. But you are. We all are. We have a purpose, there is a reason you are still here, and a reason to go on. It's never the answer. And from what you've said about your scars, you know that feeling after doing it, that you have damaged yourself further, more scars. I cover mine every day. But I also feel so lucky every single day, no matter how bad, that my suicide attempts were unsuccessful. I truly believed everyone would be relieved, it would be a weight off their backs. Nothing could be further from the truth. After losing a couple of friends that way, it is a pain and guilt you never get over, and certainly it would crush your mom. It is never the answer.

Have you tried any quick DBT techniques to change what your mind is telling you? It is a gift you have with music, and. you need to share that gift. You express yourself, you have been through hell and made it this far and have turned it into something of value, which is all we can do with this. Help others, understand them, and try to turn it into something good. Life is shit a lot of the time, and when you're in the darkness you are in right now, you need to get professional help right away. Please. And keep venting here if you need to. People care. And your mom more than cares. It would kill her.
Thank you for your advice and no I haven't tried any of them yet (DBT). I look at my hand and I just think when I'm lying in the morgue one day that if anyone can see my hand, they'll know what my life was like and what I thought of it. I'm sorry you went through suicide attempts, at least your happy now/in a better place, that's the main thing. My mom is moving into a new home she loves and her son is a useless, hateful, loser anyway.. I'm sure she'd get over me lol. I have gave myself a month (31st May) to see if my life improves, I've got to speak to a physiatrist next week and if it doesn't, I'm out of here.
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,540
Location
US
Thank you for your advice and no I haven't tried any of them yet (DBT). I look at my hand and I just think when I'm lying in the morgue one day that if anyone can see my hand, they'll know what my life was like and what I thought of it. I'm sorry you went through suicide attempts, at least your happy now/in a better place, that's the main thing. My mom is moving into a new home she loves and her son is a useless, hateful, loser anyway.. I'm sure she'd get over me lol. I have gave myself a month (31st May) to see if my life improves, I've got to speak to a physiatrist next week and if it doesn't, I'm out of here.
Hey. I don't know if I'm in a better spot, def not happy, but thank you. I am in a better spot than when I'm at my darkest, I suppose, but always feel it lingering below the surface, know it'll rear its ugly head again. Just hard to hear you say these things (but not saying you should not vent and post!), as your life has value and it's just never the answer. I wish I could help you in some way, get through. And I hope your shrink does, that's for sure. But keep talking here, please. It's important to let it out. I hope you are able to "just get through one more day" each day until you get through this. I know that's not much of a life, but it is a life, and that is everything. I am feeling hopeless today, I get that. No sleep for the wicked, that's for sure, feel exhausted and unable to do all I have to today. But just trying to hold on, as I think we all need to. I'm really sorry, though, that it's come over you so strongly and hope that the doctor can either get you into a hospital or otherwise help in some way. I'm really sorry.
 
M

Mary26

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 28, 2018
Messages
303
Location
USA
It's hard enough being young (and yes, being in your 20's is ridiculously young even though it may not feel that way) without the pandemic and social media and political strife and the disconnection and oh my gosh this is such a hard time to be young. But consider if you will a larger perspective. Our value doesn't come from doing, it comes from just being. You don't have to do anything to have value. Maybe life isn't a (goal driven) journey but an experience (maybe watch some Alan Watts videos). And so what if you don't have a partner or children or follow anyone else's path. What if we're just here to learn and you're exactly where you should be? And what if you haven't yet found a path that gives you a sense of fulfillment but it will happen? All I know is that everything changed when I got older, inside and out. If someone had told me I'd end up where I am now when I was in my 20's I wouldn't have believed them. You don't know what's around the next corner. My advice is to toss out all those "shoulds". Cause really, how much spiritual wisdom does society have? Enough to dictate what you should be doing? lol
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,540
Location
US
It's hard enough being young (and yes, being in your 20's is ridiculously young even though it may not feel that way) without the pandemic and social media and political strife and the disconnection and oh my gosh this is such a hard time to be young. But consider if you will a larger perspective. Our value doesn't come from doing, it comes from just being. You don't have to do anything to have value. Maybe life isn't a (goal driven) journey but an experience (maybe watch some Alan Watts videos). And so what if you don't have a partner or children or follow anyone else's path. What if we're just here to learn and you're exactly where you should be? And what if you haven't yet found a path that gives you a sense of fulfillment but it will happen? All I know is that everything changed when I got older, inside and out. If someone had told me I'd end up where I am now when I was in my 20's I wouldn't have believed them. You don't know what's around the next corner. My advice is to toss out all those "shoulds". Cause really, how much spiritual wisdom does society have? Enough to dictate what you should be doing? lol
Very well put, Mary26.
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
J Does anyone have anyone to talk to in the mental health services even if they don't get better? Mental Health Experiences 12
S I don't understand what is happening to my brain. Mental Health Experiences 9
K Things I do so I don't feel alone Mental Health Experiences 1
J I don't know what's happening to my daughter. Mental Health Experiences 2
D i don't know what this is it could be nothing Mental Health Experiences 3
D i don't know if this is mental health but it was when i was younger like 10 Mental Health Experiences 5
B I have realised that I don't really understand the majority of people Mental Health Experiences 7
thepersistenceofmemory families who don't believe in mental illness Mental Health Experiences 6
P I don't know where to post this. Dealing with multiple problems at the same time. Mental Health Experiences 2
M Don't know what to do Mental Health Experiences 8
R I don't know... Mental Health Experiences 3
A I don't know who i am Mental Health Experiences 4
Shana09 I'm feeling overwhelmingly terrified, I don't know what to do Mental Health Experiences 3
lavenderfire When People Need Help But Parents Don't Step In Mental Health Experiences 5
C I don't know what to do anymore Mental Health Experiences 10
F I don't know what to do. Mental Health Experiences 9
L I don't know what happened Mental Health Experiences 6
O I don't need me. Mental Health Experiences 4
moonperson I don't understand what is wrong with me exactly Mental Health Experiences 22
F Sometimes I don't want to exist anymore. Mental Health Experiences 17
N I am really depressed & don't want to live. My parents have disabled certain websites from my laptop based on keywor. So, i can't easily access help. Mental Health Experiences 7
gt86 I don't think I can handle it anymore Mental Health Experiences 3
Soul_Deeps I don't think surviving is still an option. Mental Health Experiences 5
UpnDwn1978 I don't deserve love... Mental Health Experiences 13
MrBond007 Looking for a way to calm down since I am always so angry and I don't know how to stop. Mental Health Experiences 3
B I feel like I don't belong anywhere Mental Health Experiences 18
N I Don't Understand (Trigger Warning?) Mental Health Experiences 4
Annelis I don't know what to write so I guess this will have no point :) Mental Health Experiences 7
S I don't feel like we make enough noise. Mental Health Experiences 7
Shana09 I feel so irritable, like I want to lash out and I don't know what to do Mental Health Experiences 15
I If I can offer some words of wisdom for younger members: don't push people away. Mental Health Experiences 1
UnstableSolace Why do people ignore sufferers as long as they don't verbally express it? Mental Health Experiences 11
C I don't know if I'm normal , does everyone behave/feel the same? Mental Health Experiences 2
American Boy I don't care if people hate me on here Mental Health Experiences 26
z270 I don't know what to make of anything anymore Mental Health Experiences 8
Annelis I don't know how much longer I can do this Mental Health Experiences 9
T I feel like shit even though i don't have real problems Mental Health Experiences 22
P When people don't respond to emails Mental Health Experiences 24
J I don't know what's wrong with me and I'm scared Mental Health Experiences 4
M I DON'T know what this is Mental Health Experiences 3
B I don't understand why my emotions are so out of control lately? Mental Health Experiences 1
O Don't know what is wrong with me. Mental Health Experiences 2
K I don't know if I'm unwell or if what I feel is normal.. Mental Health Experiences 2
U I don't know what to do Mental Health Experiences 6
C Don't understand these symptoms I have Mental Health Experiences 15
C My mum isn't well and I don't know what to do... Mental Health Experiences 1
I I don't know how to explain the way I am? Mental Health Experiences 3
J I don't know what's wrong with me Mental Health Experiences 1
J I don't have it in me to pick myself out of this rut Mental Health Experiences 3
C I don't know what happened with me, can you help me? Mental Health Experiences 4

Similar threads

Top