I dont want to get better

A

AJmae

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#1
I like being manic, but I hate myself when I am. People love when Im depressed, but I want to die. I can feel myself slipping into mania, but that's probably because Im only taking the medication that makes it so I dont get depressed. I dont want to take the ones that manage my mania. I dont want to get better because I dont want to be depressed again.
 
calypso

calypso

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#2
Everyone is different and has a different experience of bipolar. I am diagnosed bipolar too. Mania can be nice but it can be hell for those around us. Don't you crash if you are manic for too long and it increases your chances of depression?

Are you on a mood stabiliser? I'm on Lamotrigine and it transformed me. Initially though I had to get used to a different person I became. People were used to the "bubbly" me but didn't realise that I paid a high price for that later. No I don't get the highs and that is shame to an extent (although I didn't do well in mine) but I don't get the depressions either and that is worth its weight in gold!
 
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Nixieplonx

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#3
Calypso, you know as well as I do that you will ALWAYS get depressed after a period of mania at some point. (Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life......…!)
Feeling brilliant for a while seems worth it at the time, because you forget about the depression, but the pay-off is losing stuff that's very important to you (cash, relationships and work - ring any bells?!). Seductive though it is, don't fall for it, it's not worth it honey. THE PAY-BACK DEPRESSION IS NOT WORTH IT!!
Can you find a happy medium? Maybe trying to work out what the happy medium is migh,t at least, side-track you from the path of long term distress for a little while and help you keep it real? :unsure:
 
A

AJmae

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#4
Everyone is different and has a different experience of bipolar. I am diagnosed bipolar too. Mania can be nice but it can be hell for those around us. Don't you crash if you are manic for too long and it increases your chances of depression?

Are you on a mood stabiliser? I'm on Lamotrigine and it transformed me. Initially though I had to get used to a different person I became. People were used to the "bubbly" me but didn't realise that I paid a high price for that later. No I don't get the highs and that is shame to an extent (although I didn't do well in mine) but I don't get the depressions either and that is worth its weight in gold!
I'm on the same medication as well as Ziprasidone but I havent taken that one in a little while. I spent most of the end of last year on a super high high and it was followed by the worst down I have ever felt in my life and I hate that feeling. I understand that my mania is hard on everyone around me but after being so low for as long as I was, I just want to be happy. My mania ruined my life last year to the point that I'm still paying for it now. I don't want to have this stupid illness that I never asked for.
 
calypso

calypso

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#6
I'm on the same medication as well as Ziprasidone but I havent taken that one in a little while. I spent most of the end of last year on a super high high and it was followed by the worst down I have ever felt in my life and I hate that feeling. I understand that my mania is hard on everyone around me but after being so low for as long as I was, I just want to be happy. My mania ruined my life last year to the point that I'm still paying for it now. I don't want to have this stupid illness that I never asked for.
I don't know that med you mention. If your mood stabiliser isn't working then you need to ask for a new one. Its the only way to stop the depressions which cripple us. You can still feel happy but not manic. You need to sacrifice some of the high to be free from the lows.
 
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Babykittens

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#7
I like being manic, but I hate myself when I am. People love when Im depressed, but I want to die. I can feel myself slipping into mania, but that's probably because Im only taking the medication that makes it so I dont get depressed. I dont want to take the ones that manage my mania. I dont want to get better because I dont want to be depressed again.
I feel you on this. I was the EXACT same way, until I finally started taking my lamictal about 8 months ago. I can tell you that I've mourned the damage I did to my life and brain by not taking my mood stabilizer sooner. My antidepressants will trigger hypomania when taken on their own. I had to get better, in order to WANT to get better. I respect and understand your feelings/perspective, just wanted to let you know that there is life after mood stabilizers 😁
 

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