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I don't want to feel like this anymore!!!

W

WindowOnReality

Guest
Ok, so I have been experiencing depression on and off for the past 10 years. But it wasn't as bad before as it is now. I've been thinking a lot about it lately...probably because I'm currently unemployed. I think I didn't have such a good childhood. It wasn't a happy one, or healthy, and definitely not stable. I believe I'm still dealing with these issues. I don't like to think about it. I usually keep it in the back of my mind. But I know I need to move on from it. I was born to alcoholics. It was a one night stand actually. It didn't work out. So my mom was a single parent raising me and my younger sister. My dad wasn't in the picture as much. They both drank like no tomorrow. They both are still alive today, thank God. I truly am grateful for that. My dad is a mellow drunk. My mom is a violent drunk. I love both of them dearly, with all of my heart. I understand they have a disease. I would say I've always been self-destructive (probably having something to do with how I was brought up), but there was a dramatic change when I was in high school. I had had enough. My mom was a totally different person when she drank..almost evil. She told me things that to this day bring tears to my eyes. I became suicidal. One night she really started in on me. I called my dad to get me out of there. I tried to gather a bag for the night as fast as I could. But I heard them in the other room. My mom was still going off with her crazy talk. I went to the kitchen & self harmed. I didn't get medical attention. I just remember my dad in complete shock and tears running down his face. My mom finally shut the fuck up. Is that what it takes? That was 5 years ago. She hasn't changed one bit. Everytime she drinks, I expect the worst. I know I can't change her. Only she can do that. I fear, though, that one day I will hurt myself because I'm never good enough for her. I am only this way because of her...;/
 
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