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I don't want to be here anymore

Ineedhelp2921

Ineedhelp2921

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 11, 2018
Messages
113
I just found out my parents have lied to me (well they haven't told me the whole truth). They wanted to move into a rural area (well my mum did) which isn't ideal for me due to work. I know she wants me to drop my career and go with them. I don't think she really believes in what I do.
I haven't had the easiest start in my career and have really had to fight for it. Non the less I can't afford rent (not keen on getting a room mate), I've lost of my savings due to covid and ideally, I wanted to save for a house. Its going to take a few years for me to get sorted again.

I know they have been looking to move, well really they wanted a holiday home. Because of what I have been through and losing any sense of independence I had throughout the year, I had a complete breakdown about it because i felt like a puppet with no choices anymore. I'm also very close with them and the thought of them being hundreds of miles away is very traumatic for me (a fear I've had throughout my childhood) After my breakdown my Dad said they couldn't afford to move anyway and they are going to buy a caravan instead. This did bring a sense of relief. Especially in what we are going through now, it took that pressure off and I could just focus on one day at a time.

Yesterday and earlier tonight, I heard them talking about selling the house and how much they could get for it and the savings they had. For a moment I was ok, but it triggered me. I had to hide and cry, I couldn't breathe and then I was sick. My mum found me, I told her and Dad and they assured me they wasn't going to move until I was ok and on my feet. But at the same time my mum is also pushing that we all go.
They keep telling me one thing but I keep hearing another.


I want them to be happy but Im so so scared of being alone. They are all I have. Plus I dont' know when it will happen. I always thought I would have my own small family and my parents would be close by, plus if they get sick or when they are old I want to be able to help them. I wish they were just straight forward with me and let me know what is happening, which I tried to get from them tonight but I got the same answers as before.
It has been a strange couple of months were I feel like I suddenly have to have things done at a certain point in my life.

I have only recently realised the depth of my mental health over the years, and how I have been isn't normal. I was an outcast at school. My final year of college was a disaster, my friends have stabbed me in the back and now this. Past couple of years have been a rollercoaster and how I have been feeling was something I was able to hide up until now. However, now my anxiety and depression have been a lot more severe and the physical symptoms have been worse, everyone around me now knows how I am now too, which I thought would be helpful but it hasn't been

The past couple of years and what I am experiencing now, has made me feel really bleak about my future. I'm trying to be as mature and as adult as I can be, but I'm really struggling to control my breakdowns. This generally feels like trauma but I don't know why I'm like this. I just wish I was normal.
My doctor gave me medication, and the pharmacy gave me 5 boxes for some reason. and I know this is dark but I became well aware that I could overdose on them. I don't want to commit suicide, but it was a thought I had I wish I wasn't here. Sometimes when I'm really low, I wish someone would tell me that I had a limited time left. Which I know is really selfish of me.

I am getting help soon. I really do wish I wasn't scared of my future and could go with the flow of things. But what I heard tonight triggered me and I wasn't expecting it to. When I heard what they said, I was fine for like 2 minutes and then I really broke down and wasn't able to stop crying for the rest of the night.

Does this sound like trauma to anyone else, or any root causes as to why i could be like this?

I'm sorry this is so long and rambly
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
9,889
Location
England
Life goes very fast. It is so short, one minute I was 20, last week I was 30, I'm now over 40!

I was terrified of living alone but after a week or two, loved it.

take some of those tablets back tomorrow or chuck them in the outside bin now.
 
Ineedhelp2921

Ineedhelp2921

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 11, 2018
Messages
113
Life goes very fast. It is so short, one minute I was 20, last week I was 30, I'm now over 40!

I was terrified of living alone but after a week or two, loved it.

take some of those tablets back tomorrow or chuck them in the outside bin now.
Hi Tawny,

I honestly can't wait to be over 20, i feel like its such an awkward stage in life. I may have the spirit of an old woman. I know you can't fight change, but its the fact I know change is going to happen but I don't know when. I know I'll be ok when it has happened.

I can't wait for life to settle a little bit. I can't wait to be be an old lady, live in the woods, scare the children and play bingo.

My mood is very up on down. I'm fine now but 5 minutes ago it felt like it was the end of the world.
 
Talina

Talina

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 14, 2020
Messages
1,541
Location
Sweden
The future can be scary and living alone can be a challange. Myself was really scared when I moved out the first time. Right now I live at home until my uni is done. But I learned a lot when I didn’t live at home and made sure to visit my parents a few times. Even though I’ve gone through moving out once, I still find it scary which is normal to feel.

Also the covid situation is quite a tough time which cause more stress and finical problems for many.

I would think it’s best you take a few of the boxes of medication to your pharmacy, so they don’t temp you.

But it’s a good step that you will get more help.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
9,889
Location
England
20, I was at uni, unconfident. By 23 roughly, starting to find my feet.

Life is very hard
But there is so much joy too

It gets easier every day that passes
Learning each day
Highs and lows

Keep healthy
Avoid stress
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
936
I just found out my parents have lied to me (well they haven't told me the whole truth). They wanted to move into a rural area (well my mum did) which isn't ideal for me due to work. I know she wants me to drop my career and go with them. I don't think she really believes in what I do.
I haven't had the easiest start in my career and have really had to fight for it. Non the less I can't afford rent (not keen on getting a room mate), I've lost of my savings due to covid and ideally, I wanted to save for a house. Its going to take a few years for me to get sorted again.

I know they have been looking to move, well really they wanted a holiday home. Because of what I have been through and losing any sense of independence I had throughout the year, I had a complete breakdown about it because i felt like a puppet with no choices anymore. I'm also very close with them and the thought of them being hundreds of miles away is very traumatic for me (a fear I've had throughout my childhood) After my breakdown my Dad said they couldn't afford to move anyway and they are going to buy a caravan instead. This did bring a sense of relief. Especially in what we are going through now, it took that pressure off and I could just focus on one day at a time.

Yesterday and earlier tonight, I heard them talking about selling the house and how much they could get for it and the savings they had. For a moment I was ok, but it triggered me. I had to hide and cry, I couldn't breathe and then I was sick. My mum found me, I told her and Dad and they assured me they wasn't going to move until I was ok and on my feet. But at the same time my mum is also pushing that we all go.
They keep telling me one thing but I keep hearing another.


I want them to be happy but Im so so scared of being alone. They are all I have. Plus I dont' know when it will happen. I always thought I would have my own small family and my parents would be close by, plus if they get sick or when they are old I want to be able to help them. I wish they were just straight forward with me and let me know what is happening, which I tried to get from them tonight but I got the same answers as before.
It has been a strange couple of months were I feel like I suddenly have to have things done at a certain point in my life.

I have only recently realised the depth of my mental health over the years, and how I have been isn't normal. I was an outcast at school. My final year of college was a disaster, my friends have stabbed me in the back and now this. Past couple of years have been a rollercoaster and how I have been feeling was something I was able to hide up until now. However, now my anxiety and depression have been a lot more severe and the physical symptoms have been worse, everyone around me now knows how I am now too, which I thought would be helpful but it hasn't been

The past couple of years and what I am experiencing now, has made me feel really bleak about my future. I'm trying to be as mature and as adult as I can be, but I'm really struggling to control my breakdowns. This generally feels like trauma but I don't know why I'm like this. I just wish I was normal.
My doctor gave me medication, and the pharmacy gave me 5 boxes for some reason. and I know this is dark but I became well aware that I could overdose on them. I don't want to commit suicide, but it was a thought I had I wish I wasn't here. Sometimes when I'm really low, I wish someone would tell me that I had a limited time left. Which I know is really selfish of me.

I am getting help soon. I really do wish I wasn't scared of my future and could go with the flow of things. But what I heard tonight triggered me and I wasn't expecting it to. When I heard what they said, I was fine for like 2 minutes and then I really broke down and wasn't able to stop crying for the rest of the night.

Does this sound like trauma to anyone else, or any root causes as to why i could be like this?

I'm sorry this is so long and rambly
im close to my family too....id be lost without them.....they are my only friends.....what kinda job have you got that you couldnt move to a rural area?
 
Ineedhelp2921

Ineedhelp2921

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 11, 2018
Messages
113
Hey guys,

I work in film, and I've tried to look there but there hasn't been anything at all. which is weird because i see things being filmed there all the time. I would love to move there, especially if I have kids. The future just seems really bleak at the minute.
I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm really stuck in life at the minute.
There are so many things that I'm anxious about and feel low about.

And also I feel like my parents are hiding things from me, which I just want them to be honest with me so I can move forwards. Although I know I haven't been myself, they know I'm not ok.

I spoke to my doctor the other day, and she really wants to put me on anti-depression tablets, but we both agreed to see what the mental health organization said first.

I have been struggling for years, since i was 13. And now everyone knows. Trouble is those around me keep trying to place why I'm like this, since my breakdown. Worst case scenario stuff like drugs or sexual harassment or that I'm being bullied. I keep getting bombarded with questions and it doesn't help. This is just the way I am and its not from a one time incident, I don't really know why I am, like I am.
But I still try and keep going. Thats all I can do.
 
T

treasurebox

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
509
Location
Philippines
Fill your mind with good and positive and peaceful thoughts. When a negative thought would enter your mind, stop and switch your thoughts to good possibilities. Listen to good and uplifting songs in youtube whenever you can. It will make you feel better.
 
J

Jono

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 27, 2020
Messages
155
Location
Cornwall
Hi Tawny,

I honestly can't wait to be over 20, i feel like its such an awkward stage in life. I may have the spirit of an old woman. I know you can't fight change, but its the fact I know change is going to happen but I don't know when. I know I'll be ok when it has happened.

I can't wait for life to settle a little bit. I can't wait to be be an old lady, live in the woods, scare the children and play bingo.

My mood is very up on down. I'm fine now but 5 minutes ago it felt like it was the end of the world.
Fortunately for you , you have youth on your side so try and stay calm and go with the flow ,everything will turn out for the best because it sounds like you have decent parents who want what best for you 👍👍
 
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