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I don't want to be here anymore...

T

TO123457

New member
Joined
Sep 26, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Toronto
I grew up in a working-class home, and after getting a scholarship for my undergraduate, I went on to do my master's. Unfortunately, my mom became sick and required surgery, so I left school and worked full-time to send money back home to support her. I did that for the past couple of years until finally I decided that I was going to go back to school. I reasoned that it would be best to pursue a college program and later do a co-op, as opposed to resuming my master's, as my ambition to write my thesis and eventually publish it as a book was not practical and would not support myself and my partner. Back during the summer, I had doubts begin to sink in about my college program. I shoved them back into the recesses of my mind and kept assuring myself that this next step was necessary to start to build a life for myself and my partner. Shortly after starting my program, my financial situation began to deteriorate and the alternative sources of funding I had tried to line up fell through. I began to slowly withdraw, from my partner and from the world around me, as day by day I became more and more depressed and I slowly lost interest in things that once brought me joy. My nights became restless and my sleep intermittent, to the point that I physically couldn't go to school and barely had the energy to get out of bed. I went to the school counsellor, who advised me to speak with a doctor. I went to the walk-in doctor (as I didn't have a family doctor), who told me I was depressed and told me that I should withdraw. I asked her what I should do, and she simply said, "You need a family doctor, nothing I can do for you" as she left the room. I left school, in a desperate attempt to snap myself back to reality and to hit the job hunt again, although I find myself slipping further and further. I have reached out to mental health counsellors, who either have quoted me for therapy that I simply can't afford or have told me that I can anticipate being waitlisted for up to 6 months for counselling from municipal public health. If I am being honest with myself, I don't want to be here anymore. I have never truly been happy with myself or my life; I've simply pushed myself forward, ever forward, since it has been a struggle to survive that I never wanted to give up on. Now, that desire to survive is dwindling and I only really continue on for the sake of my partner. I can't help but wonder though, is it enough?...
 
J

JCPraha

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
864
You are fighting depression. When a person is depressed, everything is terrible and very difficult to deal with. It seems as if you have had difficulty obtaining treatment, but I think you really need to pursue it. When someone is depressed or otherwise in a bad mental state, nothing seems to go well and the ability to cope with situations and complex problems is greatly diminished. First pursue treatment for your mental health. Counseling, medication, whatever it takes. If you make progress with that, you will be able to cope with all of the other complex issues in life.
 
M

mari30

Member
Joined
Jul 11, 2019
Messages
10
Location
Austria
I think the first thing to understand is that you are not alone in these feelings - many of us have been or are there. I also struggled for some time to get help, first to realize I need it, then to talk to my friends about my problems, then to realize that I do really need help from a professional. It is very unfortunate that at the moment you cannot afford a therapist, and I hope you do somehow find a way for it - is there a way your partner could financially support you with it perhaps? In the meantime, I think it is important to at least get help from friend and family. Did you talk to your partner, or your friends, or your family about your feelings? As someone who is going through a simimlar situation, I really hope things start going better for you!
 
S

Sarabi_Gyarados

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 20, 2019
Messages
277
Location
UK
Hello OP and welcome.

You know, sometimes the path out of depression is very simple. I've always thought, 'I must struggle to be free', but sometimes it is something that lifts like a fog and suddenly I see that the sun was shining all along.

I have a book on CBT and it explains that we all get periods of depression, some because bad things happen and some we can't explain.

When depression becomes a pattern, we have often got stuck in a loop of 'thought - feeling - behaviour' and so it goes round and round.

Can you write down:
* The thoughts that make you depressed.
* The way it manifests in how you feel.
* How you act based on how you feel.

You'll be able to identify how they feed into one another and sustain each other.

The chain has to be broken, and it doesn't matter where you start.

You can change a thought, change a feeling or change your behaviour. Any one can intercept the chain. You can also ask for antidepressants to help you as you work through these cycles.

You can do this. Depression can be very strong, but it's also just a veil at the same time, and we can get out of it again.

We've got you - you can do it.
 
S

Sarabi_Gyarados

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 20, 2019
Messages
277
Location
UK
Here are some small things that helped me smile again when I lost my mother. I share these so you can see that if you keep going, you might find a small thing too.

* The video game Animal Crossing.
* Lighting candles.
* Having long baths with essential oils.
* Going to a support group (there are free ones.)
* Knowing I can help a cause (the environment, an animal, a person in need.) This made me realise I am powerful, because I can help someone, and if I can help someone, then depression can't get me.
 
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