- Sep 26, 2019
I grew up in a working-class home, and after getting a scholarship for my undergraduate, I went on to do my master's. Unfortunately, my mom became sick and required surgery, so I left school and worked full-time to send money back home to support her. I did that for the past couple of years until finally I decided that I was going to go back to school. I reasoned that it would be best to pursue a college program and later do a co-op, as opposed to resuming my master's, as my ambition to write my thesis and eventually publish it as a book was not practical and would not support myself and my partner. Back during the summer, I had doubts begin to sink in about my college program. I shoved them back into the recesses of my mind and kept assuring myself that this next step was necessary to start to build a life for myself and my partner. Shortly after starting my program, my financial situation began to deteriorate and the alternative sources of funding I had tried to line up fell through. I began to slowly withdraw, from my partner and from the world around me, as day by day I became more and more depressed and I slowly lost interest in things that once brought me joy. My nights became restless and my sleep intermittent, to the point that I physically couldn't go to school and barely had the energy to get out of bed. I went to the school counsellor, who advised me to speak with a doctor. I went to the walk-in doctor (as I didn't have a family doctor), who told me I was depressed and told me that I should withdraw. I asked her what I should do, and she simply said, "You need a family doctor, nothing I can do for you" as she left the room. I left school, in a desperate attempt to snap myself back to reality and to hit the job hunt again, although I find myself slipping further and further. I have reached out to mental health counsellors, who either have quoted me for therapy that I simply can't afford or have told me that I can anticipate being waitlisted for up to 6 months for counselling from municipal public health. If I am being honest with myself, I don't want to be here anymore. I have never truly been happy with myself or my life; I've simply pushed myself forward, ever forward, since it has been a struggle to survive that I never wanted to give up on. Now, that desire to survive is dwindling and I only really continue on for the sake of my partner. I can't help but wonder though, is it enough?...