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I don't want to be bitter and cynical

valleygirl

valleygirl

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Valley of dry bones
I want to be happy. I don't want to be an unhappy person who is miserable to be around. I don't want to be bitter and cynical anymore. I tried so hard not to become bitter, but it happened anyway. I don't want to go around with a sad face anymore, but I also don't want to be fake.
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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Valley of dry bones
But I am sad. Very sad. Yesterday my therapist said she got the sense about my childhood that no one was there to give me and my sisters any kind of guidance. I felt like she understood something about me that no one has ever noticed before. I didn't realize it either, and the realization makes me feel sad so deep in my core. I was just a little girl trying to figure out the great big scary world all by myself. My mom slept a lot. My dad worked a lot. And I just feel so sad for the little girl I was, and sad that my family is so disconnected. Now my parents are trying to help, but I still feel so alone, and I feel like it's too late to help me. I feel like I only know how to be alone.
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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Jan 25, 2012
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(((valleygirl))) I think grieving and feeling sad for what you didn't have has to be part of the process. It feels like the sadness and loneliness will never end, and like it comes from a bottomless well, but feeling it is the start of coming to terms with it. Sounds like your therapist is on the right track there. I'm sorry you are having to go through this painful process, I hope light will soon appear at the end of the tunnel, hugs to you :hug:
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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After I posted last night, there was something different about how I felt the sadness. I was able to sit with it and let it be, and shed a few tears, instead of fighting it or trying to distract myself from it.
 
StillFighting

StillFighting

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Dec 28, 2014
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((((valleygirl)))) I'm sorry that you never had the support you needed from your family. I don't think it's too late to get help, there's always hope, and you can get through this, although I realize it may not seem/feel like that at times. :hug:

I'm glad that you were able to just be with your sadness after posting. This is a relatively new experience for me as well, and it feels weird sometimes.

Sending you much love :hug:
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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Apr 5, 2015
Messages
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Location
Valley of dry bones
My therapist and I have been talking a bit about mindfulness, and she has lent me The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for Bipolar Disorder. But I haven't gotten very far in that book. I told my therapist about how I feel ambivalent about practising mindfulness, because I am afraid of the powerful emotions that might be triggered. So I guess my experience last night was good, because I didn't get flooded, and as a result, I am a little less scared to try out some mindfulness exercises.
 
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