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I don't want to admit I am bipolar etc, so I don't take my meds/ I am crazy without them. **May Trigger**

P

pirate77x

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Joined
Apr 6, 2015
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Location
Connecticut, USA
I don't want to admit I am bipolar etc, so I don't take my meds/ I am crazy without them. **May Trigger**

I don't want to be biploar, and have PTSD. I don't want to be sick. I fucking hate how this illness makes me feel, and I HATE the I am on 6 different meds. one of them I take 4x a day... I have hardly been taking them in the last few days, and I can see a scary difference. Before I was medicated I drank, like a fucking sailor. I went to rehab, I'm sober since 2008. Anyway, back then, self medicating, I was arrested for assault A LOT... I was looking at 5 years in prison, after I kicked a cop in the throat. I'm saying, I had RAGE. Haven't felt it since last FEB when I was in the psych ward because I tried to kill myself. The meds they put me on chill me out, I'm not always looking for blood. So, since I stopped taking my meds properly, I have been crazy. I punched the shit out of two strangers today at a gas station, because they tried to get me to rear end them on the highway. They did it, not just once... they did it for 2 miles.. there were no exits.. I was stuck, and gripping the wheel.. my 9 year old was in the car.. I followed them off the highway, to a gas station. When they came over to me I started swinging like I was psycho.. I stopped pretty quickly... the cops came... I lied to them so badly, and they believed me. My son saw me act like an asshole!! He has never seen that ever!!!! I hardly raise my voice with my kids!! When we were driving away, I was completely embarrassed, I told my son I was totally wrong. I said I should have just stayed on the highway. I told him not only did I hit two people, I lied my ass off to the cops. I told him I lost my shit for a minute or two. I told him I didn't take my meds properly, and to stop me if he thinks I am not doing the right thing. I scared myself, and by the grace of god, I am not out on bail right now. I am Mr. Hyde, I also don't mind wishing death to anyone, if they cross me. I have told people to kill themselves. Ya know, when I was only taking limictal, and I was smoking weed everyday ( a few years ago) I felt so calm, and cool. Nothing could ruffle my feathers.. now I am a time bomb. It makes me frustrated, and I cry, if i can... sometimes I just don't care so much, that I can't even get a tear out. I am a very loving, and compassionate person. I am selfless. I think as a group, not as an I, or me.
I hate being sick.. Now, I have proof I need to take my meds properly, and I did irreversible damage to my sons view of me. I HATE being sick. I want to die. I am glad I do not own a gun. I would have been dead years ago. I am a chicken shit, I want to die but I don't want it to hurt. I will not kill myself if I can remind myself I am a mom.
Does anyone else hate meds to the point where they stop?? Does anyone else get filled with rage, so much so that you want to draw blood? I wanted that driver to die. A day or two more off my meds, and I think I could have killed her. I scare myself. Please tell me I am not alone. I need to know how to accept I am sick, not fight it, learn to live with it, and be a happy, productive person. :evil:
 
FriendsAreFriends

FriendsAreFriends

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 13, 2015
Messages
59
Location
Norway
Explanation of Bipolar dissorder given to me by international experts treating me for Bipolar 1

All humans are bipolar! We all have moodswings and sometimes, given the situation, we have strong moodswings.

The separating line between "sick" and "healthy" is drawn by the persons ability to master the moodswings. I have myself been in therapy for 5 straight years, and gradually learned my personal methods of coping with emotions.

Some of my personal methods has been cognitive therapy (positiv thinking as an instrument to change thought-patterns), as well as a lot of hot baths/showers to calm my anxiety.

To day I am very healty and I take the smallest, maintenance dose of (Truxal).

So to the issue of shame over mental illness...I must admit that just that shame took a greater toll of me than the illness itself. In the end I understood that these illnesses have a strong biological component. Just like diabetes. And so I would not be ashamed of that would I?

I know from experiance, and I can clearly remember how hurt I felt at times...
But I have the hope that you have someone to talk to, if you deer to ventilate your hart to someone you trust and who cares, you will find that speaking out is the best chill-pill there is!


Have a relaxing day!

:) Kenneth.
 
H

Haley

Active member
Joined
Mar 28, 2015
Messages
40
Location
Fort Lauderdale
Hi there, Pirate. I use to be very, very, irrationally angry. I had Rage. All the anger could be traced back to my childhood and then a religion I was involved with that said you can Never get angry. Anger is an energy that needs to be properly channeled. The culture says women don't get angry. I was not allowed to wield my own anger because my mother was mega angry. So what I'm saying is that this isn't bi polar in my opinion. The bi polar makes it more intense but isn't the source of the problem. Road rage is very dangerous. Anger therapy would be more useful. The doctors numb us out on drugs because no body has the time to deal with all the angry people who had difficult childhoods. No one has that much empathy to offer. But we can give that empathy to ourselves. You mustn't hate yourself and wish to die. You must give empathy to yourself. You have to analyze yourself. You have to take the pills for now for your child's sake. I am bi polar and take lithium and navane every night and navane at 1PM. I'm on very small doses. If you feel your medication is too high and oppressive, deal with that directly. But I should have taken the lithium offered when my children were 13, 14 and 15. I put my children through hell when I could have taken the lithium. Good luck to you, Pirate.
 
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