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I don't wanna be alive



New member
Oct 18, 2018
Since I was 6 years old, I think, I've experienced anxiety!
Because, at the age of 6 I started to understand things, about who I was and how people expressed themselves about other people regarding ethnicity and apperance.

I don't wanna tell you where I''m from, but I can say that one of my parents is from another country, (not so respected where I live, constantly joked about and made fun of in negative ways etc) and that has made me feel so bad. I look like a usual citizen of that country (not like my immigrant parent) and I have never felt like anything else. So that's one of the issues, I feel like I'm just English not Bulgarian for example (I'm not any of those, just an example, it's maybe comparable to a transsexual person?). The bigger issue is since I've been 6 years old I've been told by friends, friends parents, people at school, people outside school, everywhere, either indirectly or directly to me:
"That people like me should not exist"
"How can such people exist
"I would not let my son/daughter be together with such persons"

Many of them saying these things without knowing my background

Having been constantly reminded of these statements has made me feel so bad (tearing up a little)
It has made me afraid of getting to know people, I have made like 1 friend since 6th grade outside of the ones I already had. I have dissed girls just because of my constant fear of being "exposed" and that has led me to being a virgin at a late age which has increased my anxiety
I have been worried every single day at school, or places like that, about being "exposed", felt constant fear of people knowing who I am!!! How fucked up is that?!
It has also led to me having OCD present in everything I do, everything from moving in bed to writing this text.

I have missed out on so much in my life, friends parties, girls and now i feel like such a failure. These past months I've struggled with thoughts of death and I feel like i don't want to live anymore, but at the same time I don't want to kill myself, it's weird.

Honestly I don't know what to expect from this post, I just felt I would try to share this with someone after 12 years of anxiety.


Well-known member
Sep 7, 2018
West Midlands

Just wanted to say hi and I hope you are feeling better about things soon.

This forum has helped me a lot and I hope it helps you too.



New member
Nov 4, 2018

As someone who moved countries at an early age, I was always considered an outsider and received a lot of racist remarks. It didn’t really effect me at the time but now that I moved away again, I have a loss of identity. I don’t feel like I relate to my home country, I never saw myself as a national of the country I lived in almost my whole life because of my youth and I feel it’s effected me now more than it has before. I do feel a bit lost and lonely when I think about it. It’s sad that people are so narrow minded, we’re all human at the end of the day trying to get on with our lives.

In terms of being found out, I can relate to that also. I could never meet people in person due to my crippling shyness and anxiety, I’d go red and freeze, almost like having an internal panic attack. I could only meet people after talking to them online for awhile and would try to make myself as interesting as possible when I’m really just someone who likes to be alone and just chill out. I didn’t think that was good enough so I had to pretend a lot and then I could never live up to this persona I had created and would shut that person out before they could find out. Now, I’ve completely accepted who I am and don’t pretend anymore, it’s made me really content with who I am but now I have nothing really interesting to talk about so different issue now lol.

With not wanting to live but not wanting to kill yourself. I had that when I was in high school where I would constantly fantasise about it but could never do it. I just hoped i would die or someone else would kill me in some way. The only way I got out of that was by speaking to someone and having someone there to support me. Looking back, I know I wouldn’t have been able to do it on my own, so if you have a best friend or a family member to talk to, then please do. If you don’t then talk to a counsellor. There’s always someone out there who can help. The worst thing you can do is stay suffering in silence because it won’t get better if you do.

Good luck with everything, keep us posted on how you’re doing.
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