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I don't understand what is wrong with me exactly

moonperson

moonperson

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Trigger warning for wanting not be alive. If you don't have kindness or understanding towards a transgender person please do not comment on those parts of this vent. Also I'm not out to anyone and I don't plan on coming out ever, really.
Just a warning I'm not sure what I will discuss here but it could be upsetting. I also have a hard time writing in an understandable way right now because my brain is so chaotic and cannot relax or slow down. Please don't respond with hostility because I genuinely want to get better and take advice, I just have been made fun of so much I feel worried that it will happen again and I will never get help. This is mostly a vent but I really need some advice if anyone is able to share some! :)
I know I have depression and anxiety and a sensory processing disorder, but I left therapy too early to understand these things. The reasons I left was because I couldn't talk honestly about myself, I was getting seriously uncomfortable being around people, I didn't have time or money for therapy, and I felt like my therapist wasn't telling me what I should do in a way that would be helpful. I have tried 3 therapists total but that was 2 years ago at most recent. So here is what I am struggling with.
I have really bad gender dysphoria. I have really bad self doubt. I think I cannot control my lying, I don't do it where it would hurt others but I lie to myself constantly because I just don't know the truth. I don't know who I am and I avoid myself to the point where I feel like no one but also multiple people. I read so much fiction and pretend I am characters to the point where it hurts to realize I'm not them. The only thing that gives me courage to do anything is these characters. All my other motivations just turn into self shame, but I also self shame with these characters I just can usually turn it into motivation to change. It isn't enough, I feel I am not enough. My dysphoria is so bad and I don't know who I am at all.
I'm so good at pretending everything is normal. I dropped out of school last year and I'm living at home taking online classes. I can't get a job because I have so many paranoid thoughts and I'm trying to learn to drive but I have fear of driving as well. I'm afraid of failing and I'm afraid that my mind is so bad that I will cause an accident. I work for my mom so that she can go to work, and I basically do childcare for my younger sibling which is fine and I'm glad to do it but I also feel like a parental figure or a mom and it makes me more dysphoric. I've always taken care of my younger siblings but it's just another thing I'm insecure about.
My mom says I do really well and is so kind but I know I'm a disappointment and it hurts so much to disappoint her because she is so kind. My parental figures have been not so understanding of my mental illness in the past because I never told them and so they were really hurtful towards me for maybe all of high school until I said I need therapy and they seem to really regret how they treated me. But often I feel they were right to hurt me. I feel that way about everything that hurts me, like why am I avoiding shame if that's what I should feel because I suck. My self hatred is so bad. While I often lie to others about my life being fine, which it kind of is, I often fabricate things of my past to the point where I don't know what really happened anymore. Usually those lies about the past are to make my life seem harder than it actually was, but also I don't remember the struggles I went through that well because I hate my past self so much that I genuinely would never want to be honest if it meant that I would be that person. That person isn't even bad, it's not even someone that I would dislike if they weren't me. I just cannot accept that it was me ever and that I sometimes still feel like that person, it scares me so badly that I wish everything were different. It's hard to understand why I should be honest but somewhere in me I know it's not right.
Is it so bad to pretend I'm someone else all the time? I think it is related to my dysphoria and it definitely helps me to lie to myself and pretend I was never that person. But I don't understand who I am anyway. I really get so lost. I can't stand the idea of my true self so much that I avoid moving forward in my life or expressing myself. I try to help others in their lives instead of doing my life, but when I do that I often encounter harmful ideas from others that make me feel so much worse about myself and I never stand up for myself because I don't want to be perceived. If I ever said I don't want to be known by anyone, it was a cry for help because I wanted to die and I genuinely meant that. Sometimes I really considered cutting off all my friendships and relationships because I hated being known so badly, but I could never hurt someone. Whenever I said "I don't want you to know me" they would laugh and say that it will never happen, people will never stop seeing me and judging me. And it scares me that I consider dying just to escape it and to have some control over my life. It makes me not want to reach out to anyone because I don't want their attention, their pity, I don't want to share my personal thoughts or any part of myself out of an act of protection but also I really want autonomy and the freedom to keep things to myself. Except there's this small piece of myself always begging me to get help, and I want to squash that so I can just deal with my problems on my own but I also don't know what else to do.
I try to exercise at night when everyone is sleeping to alleviate dysphoria and depression. But my body hurts and my body is so fatigued all the time. I have been trying so hard to do it every night but I don't have any equipment and I live upstairs so i need to be quiet and my room is small. I want to get better so badly. I have school trauma and I'm thankful I'm in online classes but I feel like a failure so much it paralyzes me. It's not too difficult but I can't even think clearly when all I think about is my dysphoria. I know it sounds like my dysphoria is really a problem but please don't use my situation weaponized against trans people, I think I have a lot of intrusive thoughts and obsessive thinking patterns, as well as trauma that makes that particular struggle in my life more intensified.
I don't know why I feel the need to replace my actual struggles with very altered versions of them. I feel like people won't take me seriously if I don't have this particular type of struggle, but I barely even open up about it anyway. On top of that I don't understand who I am and I feel I am disgusting and wrong all the time. No one would think anything is seriously wrong, or maybe I just don't notice that they do. I just do what I'm supposed to do and then isolate in my room and I am very good at sounding happy I think. I also get emotional whiplash because I can put myself into this fake happy emotion but underneath I always feel depressed. It's like wrapping a cut that never stops bleeding. And then I hate when I am happy because it feels fake or that I am avoiding my struggles or lying to myself. I want to fix things so badly but often I find myself avoiding any responsibilities (only ones related to myself like school).
Even though I'm in online classes I get really really anxious and sweating on the meetings, which is fine and much better than being in person but it's just funny because my fatigue also makes me miss assignments. And it's like this is the optimal school situation for myself and yet I still can't bring myself to do my work? I can still fix it and I plan on fixing it but I will still feel like a failure even after I pass these classes. I don't know when I will ever feel like I succeeded at anything. I can't think of any times I've ever felt like I did succeed. I never feel like I am enough.
I wish I could show people that I care about them, but I hate me as part of any relationship so much it makes me want to avoid them. One of the only things I care about deeply is making others feel good and having a good impact on their days in the small things or the big things. I know I can't do much but I just want to take the opportunity I was given by being alive to make people a little happier. And I fail at that too.
Whenever good things are happening to me or whenever people suggest hanging out, I feel too small and not enough to deserve it. It is seriously overwhelming. I used to cry whenever I had a birthday party because I felt I didn't deserve it. Sometimes my friends or someone in my life will invite me to do something and I just can't feel happy about it. Whenever I look at schools to transfer to online, all of them feel too big and visible and I feel so small and that I don't want all of this. I cannot accept that I deserve anything.
When i was 3 I was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder because I couldn't stand certain sounds and I can't smell and I hated certain textures. I still experience all of those things and I still don't really understand the diagnosis at age 20 now. I constantly have my headphones in because I can't stand certain noises and I don't want to be exposed to them. I sometimes wonder if I have a form of autism because my perception is so confusing to me and i often doubt things, I also don't feel a connection with others even though I care about them deeply. I don't understand and I try to avoid social situations. Whenever I ask someone if they think I could have autism they always say no. I sometimes think I have an avoidant personality disorder because of how I isolate and I avoid the truth. I will get ready 4 hours early for anything because my anxiety takes 3 hours of convincing for me to even step outside. And sometimes it doesn't even work. I'm so confused and I feel it is difficult to be self aware because I never know what I am like in reality, all my perceptions have doubt on them. If anyone has more information on these situations I would appreciate it!
I could go on and on about all the shame I feel or any of my other confusing experiences. I'm sorry I am so complicated.
It takes so much energy for me to understand myself or any of this, and I always feel like a ball of chaos. There is so much I don't know about myself and the world. I want to understand why I act so horribly so I can fix it. I don't know what's going on and my head is just spinning often times. All my dreams feel so distorted because I only feel remotely safe when I'm alone in my home or in a similar situation to what I'm used to. I'm frantically and desperately trying to move forward even though I decided to glue my feet to the ground where I stand.
Anyway thank you for reading this if you did, I apologize for being really chaotic and not so optimistic. I really am trying and I want to get better somehow. Thank you :) I hope you all have a nice day
 
Z

Zoe1

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wow what a write !

you've done some poetry there for sure

so much guilt and shame and low self worth ,
and I get that it must be really difficult dealing with transgender issues

societies acceptance of that is in its infancy really isn't it

there are books by John Bradshaw that might interest you
its all about ' unconditional positive self regard '
 
moonperson

moonperson

Active member
Joined
Feb 28, 2020
Messages
32
Location
New Jersey usa
wow what a write !

you've done some poetry there for sure

so much guilt and shame and low self worth ,
and I get that it must be really difficult dealing with transgender issues

societies acceptance of that is in its infancy really isn't it

there are books by John Bradshaw that might interest you
its all about ' unconditional positive self regard '
Thank you a lot for that, I appreciate the resource and I will definitely look into it. :) I did write a lot, I meant to come back and edit it to be shorter but I couldn't focus enough to do that ahah.
 
Z

Zoe1

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you might want to edit it privately
there is a song in there !
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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As people we can be our worse critics. If this was a friend telling you all this, I wonder what you would say in return :) Sounds like you are deeply unhappy. Do you know what changes would make you happy? It's a shame you stopped Therapy so soon, is there any way you could go back into it? Being gay I can understand how it feels to be different, the need to understand ourselves etc. It's important to remember that your circumstances etc. don't define you as a person. You should be true to yourself, even if you can't be outwardly true to yourself (yet). Strength starts internally and when you start believing in yourself and know your thoughts, beliefs, values etc. to be true to the real you, you will start to grow stronger and be more at peace with yourself. Please keep posting and sharing. We can learn a lot about ourselves through communicating with others. :)
 
moonperson

moonperson

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Joined
Feb 28, 2020
Messages
32
Location
New Jersey usa
As people we can be our worse critics. If this was a friend telling you all this, I wonder what you would say in return :) Sounds like you are deeply unhappy. Do you know what changes would make you happy? It's a shame you stopped Therapy so soon, is there any way you could go back into it? Being gay I can understand how it feels to be different, the need to understand ourselves etc. It's important to remember that your circumstances etc. don't define you as a person. You should be true to yourself, even if you can't be outwardly true to yourself (yet). Strength starts internally and when you start believing in yourself and know your thoughts, beliefs, values etc. to be true to the real you, you will start to grow stronger and be more at peace with yourself. Please keep posting and sharing. We can learn a lot about ourselves through communicating with others. :)
Thank you so much for this reply. I am thankful that another lgbt+ person is here as I rarely get to speak to others with that kind of understanding. :) Going back to therapy seems so important but I also am scared that I will be misunderstood, or that I won't make progress. But those fears are less important than the fear of telling someone I'm going to therapy, I really don't want to let anyone know that something is wrong. Maybe I will try again, it has been a few years since the last time I tried to go!
The things that once made me happy are very difficult to enjoy anymore because I'm always embarrassed of what I like or worried that everything about me and my interests are wrong. I guess self doubt is kind of a downward spiral for me and I need to learn to be more confident. I know that getting surgery for my chest is something that I really am hoping for someday. It scares me to think that maybe I will live my whole life without getting it. I also don't really want to come out to my family at any point, and I know that having that surgery would likely be an obvious change unless I can somehow make it seem like it gradually happened. It's so uncomfortable just to type this ahah! I think that if I put it off for too long I will become dangerously mentally unhealthy. I wondered about maybe going to a different state to do that but it takes a month of recovery, maybe I can figure that out. I think that this would make me feel a lot better about myself even though it is only one thing it. It is difficult for my self doubt to really work on that because I think about it all the time. It would be easier to participate in my life and make me more confident. Thanks so much for this reply it really helped :)
 
J

JeanPierre

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I'm glad you are here!
I definitely feel you should go back to therapy just to talk and process
all of your feelings.
Please don't hate yourself. You sound like a wonderful person and
I know you are a great help to your mother.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Thank you so much for this reply. I am thankful that another lgbt+ person is here as I rarely get to speak to others with that kind of understanding. :) Going back to therapy seems so important but I also am scared that I will be misunderstood, or that I won't make progress. But those fears are less important than the fear of telling someone I'm going to therapy, I really don't want to let anyone know that something is wrong. Maybe I will try again, it has been a few years since the last time I tried to go!
The things that once made me happy are very difficult to enjoy anymore because I'm always embarrassed of what I like or worried that everything about me and my interests are wrong. I guess self doubt is kind of a downward spiral for me and I need to learn to be more confident. I know that getting surgery for my chest is something that I really am hoping for someday. It scares me to think that maybe I will live my whole life without getting it. I also don't really want to come out to my family at any point, and I know that having that surgery would likely be an obvious change unless I can somehow make it seem like it gradually happened. It's so uncomfortable just to type this ahah! I think that if I put it off for too long I will become dangerously mentally unhealthy. I wondered about maybe going to a different state to do that but it takes a month of recovery, maybe I can figure that out. I think that this would make me feel a lot better about myself even though it is only one thing it. It is difficult for my self doubt to really work on that because I think about it all the time. It would be easier to participate in my life and make me more confident. Thanks so much for this reply it really helped :)
Trying to comform to Society's expectations isn't always the best way forward... Therapy doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong. I tend to think of it as the unravelling of mangled emotions and thoughts (and you don't have to tell people you are having Therapy if you don't want to). It can be impossible to do that ourselves when we are caught up in our own thoughts and limiting beliefs etc. We can also place too higher expectations on ourselves. It's important to remember you are in the driving seat of your life, you don't have to do anything you don't want to, or anything you aren't ready for. You shouldn't be embarassed or think the things that make you happy etc. are wrong. They are unique to you and you might not realise it yet, but others will love you for them. It takes courage to be different and those that understand and feel the same way as you will share a deep love/understanding. It is in itself a strong foundation for beautiful friendships. You should also post in the Sexuality and Gender Forum, there are many who contribute in that section, you certainly aren't alone. :) You have already come a long way by posting here. Becoming comfortable with who we are and who we want to be takes time and patience. Communicating can be a great way of making progress. Hope this helps, and please keep posting and sharing. :)
 
T

Tombomb

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There’s a trans gender at my work n she is the nicest person u would ever meet. She has showed me how not too judge people n she I’ve seen things in her I really respect. I have learned that she most go throw a lot of ignorant remarks n I’m glad too say she’s mine friend n I’m a better person understanding a more complicated individual. She’s the best😊😊
 
G

GoldLeopard

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New Jersey, US
There’s a trans gender at my work n she is the nicest person u would ever meet. She has showed me how not too judge people n she I’ve seen things in her I really respect. I have learned that she most go throw a lot of ignorant remarks n I’m glad too say she’s mine friend n I’m a better person understanding a more complicated individual. She’s the best😊😊
Where do you find such people? I'd love to have some trans friends, being a Pan myself. :)
 
T

Tombomb

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She very nice n we all give her much respect n she not bad at the job either. I think she uses her situation but better relate too us n her costumers. I think she likes it hear n I love the fact she points out how hard I work which is always nice 😊
 
T

Tombomb

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Just bit of confidence builder an just want let u know that during this age n time everyone should be equal n ur employment future can be very bright !
 
T

Tombomb

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I’m schizophrenic n bi polar so I see that everyone should be supported especially in the work department 😊😊😊
 
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