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I dont understand myself... nobody does... i need somebody to analyze me

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puffypeach123

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Joined
Sep 5, 2015
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1
I dont understand myself... nobody does... i need somebody to analyze me

Before you get into this just know its going to be really long and really detailed on the past 18 years of my life

hi, i'm cassandra. west coast native born and raised. my mother gave birth to me when she was 33, and my father was also 33. By then my mother had already given birth to my sister J who is 12 years older than I am. my mother was previously married to J's father. when she was around 6 years old they split up and my mom continued her drug and alcohol use (started as a preteen) until my sister was 10 and she went to church and met my father, they got married and had me. my sister hates her step dad (my dad) so as a young child many of my memories are fuzzy but my sister and i were very close. often times i would sleep in her room and watch movies with her or play on her computer we were best friends. she was always fighting with my parents, very rebellious. she smoked pot which i was unaware of at my age my sister and my parents often had fights even some ending with my sister being violent my parents would often and still do often fight and argue
When i was 4 years old my younger brother R was born i remember feeling something.... wierd about my brother... like if i didnt like him but he was just a baby I have just the slightest memory of watching tv with him when he was a baby (around a year old he was give or take) and his baby seat was sitting on the table in front of the tv and i accidentally knocked it on the ground (im not sure if it was an accident i dont remember how i did it ) trying to move it out of the way so i could see the tv once he fell on the floor i went to look at him and he started crying so loud i tried to cover his cries and coddle him to make him stop but he wouldnt and i got scared all i could think about was how much trouble i was goingto get in i was frantic to get myself out of this situation and my mom came running and saw me holding him she asked what happened and i stammered and told her something about him falling off trying to keep the blame off myself (i dont remember what i said but i remember lying about me being the cause but not lying about his injuries) she rushed him to the ER she told me she knew i did it and seemed angry at me i felt confused as to why she was so angry at me it was an accident and angry that she was angry at me i started from then on to believe that she loved R more than me and that made me furious i hated my brother and my mom at a very young age until i was about 11 when i got my period but anyways.
I was homeschooled for the majority of my less than double digit years so it was me my baby brother and my mom all day every day i would get sick of seeing her coddle him so much it made me so angry and almost disgusted i would take naps with her every day and she would read to us i would play with my neighbors after they got home from school so i still had time to get social interaction as a six year old i asked my friends4 year old little brother to touch my vagina when we were outside in my backyard my mom saw and again i was filled with rushing fear of getting in trouble it was then that i started to touch myself or mayybe even before when i was 5 i used to watch people kiss and hump pillows until i felt this release like feeling down there i never told anyone because i had a feeling like i would get into trouble for it when i was in 1-3 grade my family would still argue alot not just my household but everybody my grandma my aunt my mom my uncle my sister my dad and my other aunt and my other uncle all because they just nag and nag at eachother always pointing little faults or just pushing your buttons for god knows what reason it honestly seems like they dont know what else to do at least on my moms side my dad was always working i used to like him more than my mom until i found out he was watching porn and flirting with some lady that had big jugs at his work i started to hate him and wish my mom would just leave him already but i also strongly disliked my mother.
I wanted to run away it was the only way i could think of getting away my mom would treat me unfairly she would neglect me or just scream at me when i got in trouble she was very strict my father too we were a religious family i was expected to act a certain way... i never had a real interest in church things or religion i actually almost despised it the way they threw me in to it and growing older i grew to feel uncomfortable and disgusted by religion i view it as a cult and i feel like all these people are just so foolish for putting their lives into this its so fake and sucha waste of time anyways my family met lots of people in the church and we were expected to have a good reputation in the church community. well when i was around 8 years old one of my friends sisters i had sex with her [ removed} her brother was the one that would touch me when i was that age so i started to do it to her i didnt know it was wrong i just wanted to do it with her... after that i stopped hanging out at that house, oh i almost forgot to tell you mom owned a thrift shop at that age so i would stay at their house almost everyday i practically lived there thats where the majority of my sexual encounters with the brother occurred... he would touch me or make me show him my privates or touch him and i knew if their grandma knew shed be unhappy so i was nervous about it but felt as if i wasnt allowed to say no and that feeling of not being aloud to say no has carried with me all my life im just recently getting oveer it but yea after i had sex with the girl their grandma found out and was mad and i stopped going to their house and started hanging out at my moms thrift store she seemed mad at me for ruining her free babysitting arrangments she didnt know about the brother who taught me to do what i did...she gave me the impression that there was something wrong with me i felt like more of an outsider than ever. i did my homeschool in her store and my little brother got to start kindgergaden when i was 9 and he was 5 he was allowed to go to a regular school I was furious i had begged my mom to let me go to normal school she never would let me and then R got to go?!?!?!!?! i was just so angry spending all my days in her goddamn store i hated it there i despised being there and one time while i was in the childrens area i was 9 years old and just playing with my toys, this man sexually abused me my mom was clueless i was so angry she couldnt see and afraid and angry at the man in the kids area with me i ran behind the counter and hid from him as his predator eyes looked at me menacingly.
Shortly after that i begged and begged my mom like never before and she sent me to a pivate school where i attended from 4-6 gade my friends from back then desribed me as wierd and different they said i had poker face 24/7 and i told them all that my parents gad gotten shot and i was adopted most of the girls in my class cried i thought nothing of it my mom found out and i got yelled at for doing that and a spanking from then on i hung out with micah my best friend we loved spongebob and she was silly and funny very refreshing to my life like my other best friend sabrina and her sister grace and our neighbor jesse those were my main friends throughout my whole life people i talked to for more than 2 years i confided many things in them but not all i never told them of my sexual encounters with various people or about my fighting family i knew they would look at me differently so i kept it to myself i had a big habit of lying too i would lie left and right it cuased big issues between my parents and i around the age of 11 i had moved on from people kissing to looking at naked girls on the internet or plaing games where people had sex it would make me feel tingly and horny my parents found out and were furious and they had a long talk behind doors about me im not sure what was said my mom seemed worried and angry and hurt i was confused and scared of the trouble i was in for and then i started to get angry why cant they just accept who i am and let me be horny i would think if my daughter did this i would accept her ! i wasnt allowed to use the internet or computer wihtout supervision again after that until i was 14 i had played a few sports had crushes just like a normal kid too i did normal things also except i knew i was much different i didnt seem to fit in i was always worried that people would see through my fasad i had been putting up for my short life so far and hate me everywhere i went i felt a pair of eyes glaring at me as if they were saying they knew what i had done and they were going to tell everybody and thats the last thing i would want i would hate for everybody to know that my reputation would be lost how would i ever dig myself out of that hole life would get so much more compicated and thats not what i wanted i started a new school
When i was 12 my mom still had her store so she made me stay there while i wasnt in my 2 day a week school. i was getting bad grades in the private school so i went to a charter instead and there i made a few friends all who seemed to know so much more about being a girl than i did...and just like being a teenager having style and fashion knowng the latest music and whatnot i felt out of place so different this was middle school i started thinking about the boys in my grade and getting horny over them and hating the girls who were my competition i would obsess over my crushes in my head but never tell a soul for fear of getting rejected and everybody knowing that would make me look like a fool and i would never want that i continued on my way through school grades still falling and made it into 8th grade my mom closed her store this year thank god no more waiting until 6pm to get picked up after school for a while i thought she was going to close the store i helped convice her to shut it down during 7th grade i realized i liked girls too and just tried to lay low but by 8th grade i had studied the kids enough to know how to fit in i started to laugh and talk louder like the other girls and wear makeup this continued into 9th grade halfway through though i changed schools and i started drinking more and realizing that cutting myself and acting suicidal would make my mom feel guilty for being a bad mom or worried about me and stop being such a bad mom but it didnt after that i started doing it when i as mad it felt good to harm myself to release my anger because often when im angry i have violent thoughts or urges the harming made it so much easier . Even though it hurt like hell i did it i also liked the victim complex it gave me i felt better about myself like that using my bad past to my advantage to act out i used it i started touching my boyfriends innapropriately and flirting with every guy i could see i dressed in ways that made my body look sexy and get me attention i drank more and more and started to rebell against my authorities (teachers, principle, parents, etc.) more and more too i lost my virginity to this arabic guy i was "in love" with more like infatuated ive been in love one time only but infatuatted too many to count anwyays he turned out to be a total asswipe and was verbally abusive towards me and we would be off and on every time we broke up he would start a rumor or get his friends and him together and make fun of me basically he was being a bully i got fed up with it towards the end of sophomore year and i slapped one of his friends it felt so good ill never forget it ahha after that i went back to my2day a week school and met the boy im currently living with we started to talk towards the end of the year... during that year i was mainly single i was feeling hateful towards people alot that year i started working that year too i just recently quit that job but yea in that year i was being prettty well behaved trying to get serious on stuff but failing haha i started hanging out with david and weve been in a relationship since then... it started out as just sex and i wanted more because i get jealous and i want him all for me i get extremely jealous probably because of when i was little being so jealous over my brother and moms relationship but yea now i work an go to college i feel really disconnected and disapointed most of the times and just feeling really.... Well like nothing I don't feel much it's just boring idk what is up with me but I know that if I understood myself better I might know why I feel so different I wish I could describe the way I see the world... It's almost just like a game I'm playing trying to chameleon into every situation and keep my mask on people seem .... Fake I guess like just characters in my tv show im not sure how to describe it i just want answers so I can do better in life I feel like the way that I view the world so dark and dangerous black and white fact or fiction anyways thanks for reading I'll reply to any questions you have for me this was just a description of the things that stuck out the most to me I'm almost sure that I see the world and think the way i do because of my childhood any comments are appreciated in my journey of understanding myself better thanks

Also there is strong mental health issues in my mom's side of the family depression ocd anyxiety drug abuse bipolar disporder and some personality disorders that I'm not sure what they are but I recall hearing my mom talk about my aunt's with personality disorder thanks again
 
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sjrmanc

Member
Joined
Sep 27, 2015
Messages
9
I dont see that you have a personalty disorder, as your "Fasad" you know about, your showing people what they want to see. Been through alot and harming yourself is self medication for depression. If you got therapy or councilling just to get whats happened off your chest, will help you to deal with that, and may help you open up and let people see real you. When younger, people lie to impress others, or to hide embarassing things cos kids are cruel. But as you never spoke to people about it, you havnt accepted it, or learned to cope. Hiding who you are, lies getting found out, what will people think ect keep you depressed. Better to get therapy, learn to be ok with yourself about problems, and wont matter others think of you.

In reguards to the sexual stuff early on before you got abused. Thats perfectly natural, I once caught my niece [specifics removed] when she was around 4, she didnt know what she doesnt really, as you proberbly didnt, my mum caught me tugging when I was 4/5 to jet of gladiators lol so its not uncommon. Then for the abuse, and watching porn at 11, Girls mature faster than boys, so you were proberbly coming into puberty. Its not weird that you did it, but have to say I would of stopped my kid using internet too if he was using it for that at 11. I'm english and parents are athiest but I imagine parents were more harsh and shocked because of their religious beliefs. American also dont do sex education till later I believe, we start sex education at year 5, 10 years old, so were more informed. I believe if someone would of told you earlier about stuff, you wouldnt of felt you were so weird.
 
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