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I don't trust me, I never did.

G

gotmeunderwater

New member
Joined
Feb 22, 2021
Messages
1
Location
Portugal
Since kid I don't have self-trust. When I was 8/9 I was scared of asking to play football with others kids in school because I feared they would make fun of me because I didn't know how to play (I always played football outside of the school but I didn't stayed much time in a team because I always started to feel hated for my lack of skill). I couldn't sleep alone till my 10/11 years, my mom would lay me down, but in minutes I would come after her crying or scared with something in my room. At 11 or 12 my teacher spoke to my parents to put me in a psychologist because I talked to myself out loud.
My parents divorced when I was 12/13 and I never felt much attention and affection from my father but my mom always did everything for me. At age of 14 I start to have problems and begin to self-harm, at 15 I tried to suicide and I just went to family's doctor 1 or 2 times but hospitals make feel so anxious I can't feel good inside so I barely talk something about me, back then I ended up saying everything was fine and that I went through everything.
Today, it's the same thing, but in a different scenario. Recently I broke up with my girlfriend because I didn't feel enough for her and thought she needed better (I regret this so much). Like her, people are always saying that I'm a good person, that I'm smart and pretty, but I don't feel it. I hate me and I hate that. I hate that I can't see the Brightside of things. My conclusion is that I have always been my greatest enemy and I'm tired of it but I never change. I can't really see the blue sky outside because I myself put a gray cloud over me. Sometimes I feel like suicide and self-harm again but I start to feel guilty for having that kind of thoughts. At this point I don't know anything of my mental health. I think I have social anxiety because I'm always afraid of seeing someone I know or to have some social interaction that happens fast. Sometimes I feel like I can do anything and I try, but at some point, I end up telling myself that I really can't and that I'm just being stupid. Then I feel unmotivated for a few days until I feel motivated again. Sometimes I feel very angry at everything, even my closed ones and that's not healthy.
I am afraid that one day I may go down and end up doing what I did in the past, I try to fight everything but the snowball only grows with each passing day.
Thanks if you read this whole text!! Say something!
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
2,159
Location
Southern USA
Well that is horrible to feel that way.
I hope you find your answers to help you.
The stress is real right now.
Welcome here.
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
1,401
Location
Punta Gorda, Florida, USA
"Sometimes I feel like suicide and self-harm again but I start to feel guilty for having that kind of thoughts."

Why should you feel guilty for having that kind of thoughts? A thought is just a thought, and our mind is a thought generator.
 
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