• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

I don't trust me, I never did.

G

gotmeunderwater

New member
Joined
Feb 22, 2021
Messages
1
Location
Portugal
Since kid I don't have self-trust. When I was 8/9 I was scared of asking to play football with others kids in school because I feared they would make fun of me because I didn't know how to play (I always played football outside of the school but I didn't stayed much time in a team because I always started to feel hated for my lack of skill). I couldn't sleep alone till my 10/11 years, my mom would lay me down, but in minutes I would come after her crying or scared with something in my room. At 11 or 12 my teacher spoke to my parents to put me in a psychologist because I talked to myself out loud.
My parents divorced when I was 12/13 and I never felt much attention and affection from my father but my mom always did everything for me. At age of 14 I start to have problems and begin to self-harm, at 15 I tried to suicide and I just went to family's doctor 1 or 2 times but hospitals make feel so anxious I can't feel good inside so I barely talk something about me, back then I ended up saying everything was fine and that I went through everything.
Today, it's the same thing, but in a different scenario. Recently I broke up with my girlfriend because I didn't feel enough for her and thought she needed better (I regret this so much). Like her, people are always saying that I'm a good person, that I'm smart and pretty, but I don't feel it. I hate me and I hate that. I hate that I can't see the Brightside of things. My conclusion is that I have always been my greatest enemy and I'm tired of it but I never change. I can't really see the blue sky outside because I myself put a gray cloud over me. Sometimes I feel like suicide and self-harm again but I start to feel guilty for having that kind of thoughts. At this point I don't know anything of my mental health. I think I have social anxiety because I'm always afraid of seeing someone I know or to have some social interaction that happens fast. Sometimes I feel like I can do anything and I try, but at some point, I end up telling myself that I really can't and that I'm just being stupid. Then I feel unmotivated for a few days until I feel motivated again. Sometimes I feel very angry at everything, even my closed ones and that's not healthy.
I am afraid that one day I may go down and end up doing what I did in the past, I try to fight everything but the snowball only grows with each passing day.
Thanks if you read this whole text!! Say something!
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
2,091
Location
Southern USA
Well that is horrible to feel that way.
I hope you find your answers to help you.
The stress is real right now.
Welcome here.
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
995
Location
Punta Gorda, Florida, USA
"Sometimes I feel like suicide and self-harm again but I start to feel guilty for having that kind of thoughts."

Why should you feel guilty for having that kind of thoughts? A thought is just a thought, and our mind is a thought generator.
 
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