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I don't think surviving is still an option.

Soul_Deeps

Soul_Deeps

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 31, 2017
Messages
191
Location
Germany
Hey guys,

I don't know why but I had the urge to write this down, regardless if someone was to actually read it or not.
My problems are accumulating so quickly right now and I am WAY beyond the point of being able to solve them faster than they appear. Well to be fair, this has basically been the point since my youth, but since a few years and especially the last year this escalates in an unbelievable speed.

These issues also include health issues. Something is really wrong with me, I feel sicker from day to day and have severe symptoms that really need to be checked.
But with everything, because I am unable to go to a doctor myself I can't get help. Not that it matters much, because I would need to wait months to see a doctor anyway, if at all. I mean, there is no help. Not at all. I can't go to a psychologic clinic because I can't go to a psychiatrist (which is what you need to do here though, because a psychiatrist [well or psychotherapist] needs to send me there). Even if someone would drive me to an appointment (nobody does), I just don't get one. Even though I am extremely suicidal and have no hope and no energy for anything, I managed to ask for some appoitments without any luck. Just nobody takes new patients, which is annoying, because I don't even want a therapy, just for someone to send me to a clinic.

I gain so much weight and are unable to stop that. There is also a service here which claims to support people at their home, but guess what. They are saying they won't help me because they don't visit people at home (which is obviously wrong, it's what they are getting paid for). But this also doesn't matter, because they wouldn't help me anyway. The thing with people working at those services is, that they try to damage the patient as much as possible and make their life even more miserable, for whatever reason. The impression I got over the time is that most of them choose to do those jobs because it's the only way for them to feel like they have power and to feel like there are so many people who have a worse life than they do. But I was desperate, so I asked there.

I have basically strong pain in many parts of my body and this alone would be enough to make me want to end things. My bed is terrible and I can't sleep in it without aching in the night and the morning after and the whole day. I feel so nauseous since two weeks now. I feel like vomiting all the time, even though I don't. I can't even do sports. I dissociate so often now and I even heard a voice which wasn't there which really freaked me out. I can't even think with this headaches.

Institutes / offices (I really don't know how you would say it in English) which are supposed to support people like me (also those who are supposed to collect money) scam me all the time. Obviously this is not new, but I am more dependant than ever and weaker than ever. I don't get any money anymore and get so many deadlines for stuff I want nothing to do with or stuff I am supposed to pay (unfairly so). But I can't defend myself.

I am all alone. I have one friend who tries to manage some money / deadline / support stuff for me but she can only do so much because she is as mentally ill.

I know this is just a pile of self pityness so I can understand if people are annoyed by it.

It's just that I know there has never been a better time to end things. I know there are people who always say: It gets better. But people in situations like me know it's not true. How would it? In order to get better the issues would need to be resolved which will not happen because I can't do it. And other people don't care. Issues simply do not just disappear. There is just no coming back from it. Help simply does not exist. That's the sad reality. Either you are strong enough to do everything on your own or you can't make it. I am ultra weak. I never stood a chance.
 
stygianiron222

stygianiron222

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2021
Messages
229
Location
the underworld
you're not weak, what youre going through sounds like hell but there is help out there, you just need to find it.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
8,497
Location
England
Please keep writing to us
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
8,497
Location
England
Apparently it doesn't always get much better, but we get stronger, we find things that make us feel comfy and warm and smile a little bit. Making life better is one tiny step at a time, and for you, it starts right now, a tiny bit better from now......

Is there someone you can walk to talk to right now? Anyone? Even a stranger, a neighbour. I had a woman sit next to me in a cafe once and tell me she had just been told she had cancer. People are out there and we are all in this together.

The time to die is naturally, in your sleep, when you are very old and very wrinkly :)
 
Soul_Deeps

Soul_Deeps

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 31, 2017
Messages
191
Location
Germany
THanks for your replies.

I don't know anyone here besides my family (which I hate so much) because I am forced to live in a place I don't want to be in. There is also a good chance people who have never experienced something like that would cause more damage than they would help.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

Well-known member
Moderator
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 6, 2017
Messages
8,058
Location
Sheffield
I'm sorry you're feeling so low, I hope things improve for you soon. It may help to have a look at these two pages on the forum: Suicidal Crisis and Mental Health Forum - Getting Help about what to do if you're feeling suicidal, or if you need emergency help. I hope you can use the forum for support during this difficult time.

If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.

For Germany I found this helpline, I don't know if they can help you or not.

Telefonseelsorge (TelefonSeelsorge® Deutschland | Sorgen kann man teilen. 0800/1110111 · 0800/1110222 · 116123. Ihr Anruf ist kostenfrei.) (24/7, no cost): 0800 111 0 111, or 0800 111 0 222, or 116 123, or by online chat at Telefonseelsorge
 
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