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I don't think I'm a very nice person

A

applehappy

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I'm now in my 40's and do not have any maintained relationships.
I cannot seem to keep friends or partners. Work always turns nasty too. People fall out with me, its happened all my life.
When I first meet people I try so hard, I'm chatty and smiley and go out of my way to do favours and be accommodating but then people always turn against me. I feel on the inside that I don't really end up liking people, I'm judgemental, I get jealous, I am disappointed in people, I like to see people fail, I get frustrated with people and I gossip about them behind their backs. ----- all these feelings are obviously kept secret from them as much as I can and I try to be a nice person as much as I can.
I read on another forum that I should change but I can't help the negative feelings.
I've just been ostracised from a group on Facebook and I had tried my very best to be a nice person but they all turned against me, so now I am thinking it must be me and thats why I have concluded that I am not a nice person and admitted my negative feelings ---- they must see this shining through.
Any thoughts are welcome or anybody feel the same?
 
LORD BURT

LORD BURT

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Maybe embrace your dark side and be more open about it. You may find you could be seen as eccentric or funny.
 
A

applehappy

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hmmm... sometimes I slip out a genuine feeling with a little humour but I often just get stared at like I'm an alien or something. Here's an example:
I was an admin of a group that had rules. I said to another admin 'I can't wait for somebody to break the rules just so we can delete them!" It was said with a cheeky smile on my face. The other admin just frowned at me and shook her head. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me.
 
LORD BURT

LORD BURT

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You're not an alien, you just take pleasure from your dark side perhaps more than others. But you are not alone.

As a suggestion, try and focus more on your own life and you will find you will soon care less about others. Your own life will improve too, if you put your energy into it.

So what if someone fails, you may find it amusing but at the end of the day, it is irrelevant to you. Focus on your own life.
 
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applehappy

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Thank you for responding Burt.

I don't feel amused when somebody fails, more relieved. I feel jealous when people succeed. I know its not 'right' I'd love to not have these horrible feelings about people.
I will try and focus on myself but not sure that is going to help me make friends or make these negative feelings towards others go away.
 
LORD BURT

LORD BURT

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Thank you for responding Burt.

I don't feel amused when somebody fails, more relieved. I feel jealous when people succeed. I know its not 'right' I'd love to not have these horrible feelings about people.
I will try and focus on myself but not sure that is going to help me make friends or make these negative feelings towards others go away.
Don't worry about those feelings. we all have to them to varying degrees. When I say focus on yourself- I mean self improvement e.g:

1. Save money on your grocery bill
2. Do an online course.
3. Start a new hobby
4. Read a good book a month.

etc.. Just do things that will improve yourself.

Don't worry about your feelings, they will take care of themselves.
 
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A

applehappy

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Thanks Burt, I liked when you said 'we all have those feelings ..'. I hope so because I hate thinking that I might have to admit that its me with the problem, for my whole life when people fall out with me I get over it and pass it off as them with the problem.
In the most recent incident somebody sent me a screenshot of of things a person was saying about me, it said 'I don't like her she's fake'. So this has made me address who I am as a person and consider that it might actually be me with the problem. I need to change or I will be alone forever and I want to share life with friends and a significant other but difficult if I'm not liked haha!
 
Poopy Doll

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applehappy, I just thought it was terrifically funny to be an admin and joke about banning somebody. That made me laugh out loud.

I just wanted to add to the conversation this thought. It's good to realize one is ordinary and flawed. It brings a certain humility, which is actually growth. Then one can work on oneself.

I have recently come to see that I like to argue and this is ego and I wish to let it go. And also I get insulted easily, which is ego and I wish to let that go too. There's always something to work on.

Don't worry applehappy, I didn't meet my current bf until I was 37. And my Uncle found his second wife when he was sixty something. They were like two peas in a pod.

I think jealousy was mentioned ?? Yeah, I work on being happy for the other person who can do something I can't do, like sit without pain, drive a car to get a life. But yeah, sure, I start to get jealous.

People seem to have a hard time establishing long term relationships because they get judgmental about the other persons idiocyncrasies. You have to just ACCEPT people's idiocyncrasies. Acceptance is key.
 
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blacksmoke

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i wonder if you have anxiety and depression cos reading your post sounds a bit like this. at the end of the day you can only be you. the hard thing is that the more you try to be pleasing to folk the less they like you. strange but so true. i dont mean that you do the opposite but i am just saying too much of a good thing....

you cant be a nice person as a regular thing. until and unless you have started to get to know yourself better. this is where counseling comes in. also personal development helps to you to steer away from being a peeps pleaser and also to not fall into peeps mind games quite so easily.

we all have our darkside its just being aware of it and not going with the knee jerk response which is what a lot of folk do. so self awareness is key also. there are lots of things on the net. here are just 2 i randomly and quickly found

21 Tips to Stop Being a People-Pleaser | Psych Central


Unhealthy People-Pleasing Behaviors You Need to Stop - Verily
 
A

applehappy

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Poopy I'm so pleased it made you laugh! I thought it was funny and genuinely was secretly looking forward to being able to delete somebody/anybody who broke the rules. I was expecting the other admin to giggle and say 'yeah me too!'. but she didn't and I have many other times where I've noticed I may think differently to others!
I'm ordinary and I'm flawed - I like that and I will try to work on it too. I have lots to work on but worry that these feelings are instinctive. Still at the back of my head I feel that everything I have ever done and said is justified and its the rest of the world that are annoying and wrong. But its gone too far now .... I can't have reached this age and have no friends or bf if I'm a nice person!
Things need to change.
Thank you for your words of encouragement x
 
A

applehappy

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i wonder if you have anxiety and depression cos reading your post sounds a bit like this. at the end of the day you can only be you. the hard thing is that the more you try to be pleasing to folk the less they like you. strange but so true. i dont mean that you do the opposite but i am just saying too much of a good thing....

you cant be a nice person as a regular thing. until and unless you have started to get to know yourself better. this is where counseling comes in. also personal development helps to you to steer away from being a peeps pleaser and also to not fall into peeps mind games quite so easily.

we all have our darkside its just being aware of it and not going with the knee jerk response which is what a lot of folk do. so self awareness is key also. there are lots of things on the net. here are just 2 i randomly and quickly found

21 Tips to Stop Being a People-Pleaser | Psych Central


Unhealthy People-Pleasing Behaviors You Need to Stop - Verily
Thank you Blacksmoke. I will check out the links now - you have a good point, maybe I should stop trying so hard to be liked and just be me.... but I worry people won't like the real me!
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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Thank you Blacksmoke. I will check out the links now - you have a good point, maybe I should stop trying so hard to be liked and just be me.... but I worry people won't like the real me!
hey apple why have peeps around you that you cant be real with or at least be comfortable around its a bit different at work but the same issue. at work you definately need to decide what your boundaries are and what your bottom line is.

i stopped being a peeps pleaser partly cos folk irritate me lol and partly cos i say it as it is eeek. all a bit random.
still it shortens the chrimbo card list lmao. when you have had anxiety long enough you start to get belligerent at least i do at times. eeek
 
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