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I don't think I love anyone

S

spencfix24

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Sep 18, 2020
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Hello, Before I start I'd just like to say that some things I'm about to talk about are going to portray me as being horrible. The irony is that I'm on a mental health forum and I've emotionally challenged people time and time again.

I've had serious mental health issues for years. I've never really spoke to anyone about it consistently but I have previously been on anxiety medication (2019). Honestly I had a break up with a girl a couple of months ago and it broke me. This has really made me reflect over the last 10 years or so of my life. Allow me to explain:

When I was with her we had constant arguments. 2 years of fighting. I used to nit pick at her for silly thing all the time. She used to say and do things without thinking. They weren't even that bad it was just the way she was. I would viciously retaliate (verbally, never physically) and I used to upset her quite a lot. At this stage I was fully aware that I had issues of my own but I genuinely never thought that I was taking them out on innocent people. I always assumed anyone I gave out to was in the wrong. Anyways when we broke up I was heartbroken. Well at least I thought I was...

For the whole relationship I blamed our issues on her. Even afterwards for the months that passed I convinced myself that she was toxic and I wasn't. We still had nasty arguments after the break up and honestly looking back I had instigated them. It's only recently that I've remembered that I wasn't happy while I was with this girl? I used to obsessively drink and go on staycations on my own. I'd sit next to this girl and not look, speak or touch her. It made me realise that I never loved this girl. I managed to convince myself over the last few months that I did love her but honestly I was just lonely due to the covid 19 pandemic. Up until recently..

She started seeing another lad and I was freaked. I was trying to figure out whether I miss her or whether I was jealous that she had moved on but in all honesty, I'm annoyed that she's with someone else and I don't have control of her anymore. It made me look back to previous relationships I've had. The ex before that I did the exact same thing and the one before that as well. They were all lovely girls and I turned them into monsters. The thing is I didn't love any of them. I'm starting to look at my life and relationships with friends and family. I'm questioning If I love them?

I've had a horrible relationship with my mother since I was about 14. I used to say the nastiest things to the woman who raised me and 10 years on we barely speak. I can't remember the last time she hugged me. I've lost friends because of how I've been as well. Constantly being sorry for myself and then taking it out on the people around me.

I don't love anyone. I've had so much trauma in my life that I've struggled to love people. Inevitably I've taken this out on people who have actually given me a chance at happiness. I don't want to be like this. It's torture and I want it to stop. I convince myself that I'm right and other people are horrible all the time just to cope with how awful I am.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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It sounds like your life has been extremely hard, it is very unfair. Whoever caused that trauma is to blame for all of this, not you, and for all the people you have then gone on to hurt, you can place the blame on that original trauma.

Have you ever asked anyone for help with your difficulties?

From now on, things will get better.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
 
S

spencfix24

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It sounds like your life has been extremely hard, it is very unfair. Whoever caused that trauma is to blame for all of this, not you, and for all the people you have then gone on to hurt, you can place the blame on that original trauma.

Have you ever asked anyone for help with your difficulties?

From now on, things will get better.
When I mentioned above that I lost friends because of feeling sorry for myself, that's a good example. I used to talk to try to talk to them about it but I'd always be bringing down the mood so they stopped speaking to me. Afterwards I reconnected with a group I was friends with before and they've been good to me. In saying that they still don't understand. Their advice is honest in "you should get counselling". This I agree with but sometimes I need to talk about it and no one is willing to listen. Don't get me wrong like they try but they don't understand
 
M

MouthyOne

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Sounds like you are giving yourself a hard time. Not the type of thing a horrible person does.

There is a difference between the person and the issues.
 
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Nukelavee

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This I agree with but sometimes I need to talk about it and no one is willing to listen. Don't get me wrong like they try but they don't understand
If they don't have your issues, no, they won't fully understand it.

the thing is, they might know they don't get it, and therefore, worry about doing damage by doing things wrong.

And sometimes, sadly, people lose patience.

that's why talking to a counsellor is helpful - they've been taught to be able to discuss issues in a helpful way - if you take the step of seeing them.
 
S

spencfix24

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Sounds like you are giving yourself a hard time. Not the type of thing a horrible person does.

There is a difference between the person and the issues.
This put a smile on my f
Sounds like you are giving yourself a hard time. Not the type of thing a horrible person does.

There is a difference between the person and the issues.
That was really nice to read, thank you.
 
S

spencfix24

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If they don't have your issues, no, they won't fully understand it.

the thing is, they might know they don't get it, and therefore, worry about doing damage by doing things wrong.

And sometimes, sadly, people lose patience.

that's why talking to a counsellor is helpful - they've been taught to be able to discuss issues in a helpful way - if you take the step of seeing them.
In terms of my old group of friend's losing patience, I completely disagree. I'm sure you're fully aware yourself that sometimes you don't even need people to input but just to listen.

In terms of my current group of friends, yes I agree. I understand they don't know what's going on and recommending counselling is the best option. I'm not angry at them for that.
 
N

Nukelavee

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I'm sure you're fully aware yourself that sometimes you don't even need people to input but just to listen.
I do get that. Here's the thing - being a good listener takes energy/effort, it's not truly passive. A good listener pays attention, comments and responds, helps you work out your thoughts and feelings.

I think a lot of us with mental health issues can forget our issues can cost other people, too. If somebody truly cares, your hardships and pain will weigh them down, and your situation stays with them, in their thoughts. It can be exhausting, and, honestly, it can feel pretty unrewarding.

You can only lean on somebody so long before they fall over, too.

I have a very close friend, who has had a very rough ten years. Lots of trauma, bad choices, and all the negative emotions and actions that go along with them. I've been her first choice as somebody to listen and help all that time. Like I said, it was exhausting, and kinda unrewarding, which sounds a bit cold, I know.

the thing is - I had all my own issues to deal with, like putting myself back together after a breakdown. She never listened to anything I could tell her, ignored advice, only to call after teh next disaster and tell me how much she needed my advice, and that she would listen, this time.

Rinse and repeat. It just doesn't occur to her that she was causing me a lot of stress and worry, like when she decided to try to be a prostitute. (Didn't happen, thank god).

now, she can't understand why I'm not available constantly to listen. I'm burned out. Doesn't help that her new boyfriend (who is a really good guy, I approve of him, lol) is "the person who has done the most for and been ther the most for me". Nice way to make my pain and effort seem meaningless.

Here's the thing -she just doesn't see why things are like they are between us, it's a blindspot

there's a reason why mental health is hard on friends and family, not just ourselves.

Another reason why friends aren't always "good" listeners is thatmany, if not most, people will edit what they say, to avoid upsetting you. But, because they never say the hard to face things, we never see the need to change.

Look - I'm not saying you are selfish or anything, just that when we are in a bad state, we can forget there is a cost to the listener. And that, to a friend, the payoff is knowing you've helped. When nothing seems to change, people can give up.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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When I mentioned above that I lost friends because of feeling sorry for myself, that's a good example. I used to talk to try to talk to them about it but I'd always be bringing down the mood so they stopped speaking to me. Afterwards I reconnected with a group I was friends with before and they've been good to me. In saying that they still don't understand. Their advice is honest in "you should get counselling". This I agree with but sometimes I need to talk about it and no one is willing to listen. Don't get me wrong like they try but they don't understand
I've lost friends too, for the same reason. As time goes on, we meet new people. Some friendships remain. I'm glad you have that. The good thing is, as time goes by, also i don't feel the need to talk to people because i have talked so much, it feels better now. I can cope myself and i trust my own opinion more.

There are still times where i need people, but more to talk about normal things. I tend to avoid talking about mental health with my friends now because i need their normal lives to keep my feet on the ground.

It was a big turn around. I don't know why. Maybe i realised there was no point? Sorry, how negative of me.
 
Tawny

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You came on here for help and we are talking about our lives ;) that is funny :)
 
Tawny

Tawny

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sometimes, the best way to explain something is with a personal anecdote, in hopes it will help the other person relate.
...and also makes them feel less alone with problems maybe. :)
 
JessisMe

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Hi spenc and welcome to the forums. It sounds like for whatever reason you have a history of behavior where you have behaved in a self centered way and have treated others poorly. It might be difficult but these behaviors can change. Having the insight as you do now is the first part of that changing. The next part is the desire and willingness to change. You might opt for taking a time out from people to reflect while you make these changes in how you see yourself in relationships and how you treat others. Working with a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist during this time would be ideal and would be a good investment since it seems your behaviors and choices affect so many of your relationships negatively. Whether or not you are capable of love you can still learn how to get more from relationships by learning how to treat people better. This will ensure that should you find someone you do love that bond won’t be destroyed by past behaviors. I hope this is helpful. xo, j
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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I think face to face counselling might be the best way forward, (but I am no Doctor etc.) :) I wonder why/how you have come to this conclusion, could it be related to your current mood/state of mind etc? When it comes to relationships I think it's important to take into consideration what someone hopes to bring to them, and their expectations in return. If you think you have done someone a bad turn, it might not hurt to apologise... Hope this helps :)
 
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