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I don't think I can do this anymore, too overwhelming to bare i'm just tired of it all

V

Velih

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
May 15, 2021
Messages
3
Location
morocco
I'm about to be 30 in a couple of weeks, I have no degrees no career and the only thing that I own is a bag full of mental illness, failures, and regrets and stuck in a third world country Muslim country with the most closed-minded people ever that I can't stand and truly sick of, besides the elders, those are the good people and the last generation with some manners.

I have not been to a therapist since I was 19 because I can't afford to but I'm sure I have OCD, I spend most of my day washing / changing clothes yesterday I had to shower twice in less than two hours, and every cleaning issues I'm not going to name everything, I'm always overwhelmed by disturbing thoughts that I really don't want to have and that start from the second I wake up, I end staying in bed for some time trying to make my mind think of something nice before I get out of my bed, and at night I have to watch movies or bing a show or listen to music while trying to sleep otherwise I'll just be rolling in bed for hours with no sleep and that does not work as well as it used to anymore I can hardly get distracted from these intrusive thoughts, I seriously feel like I'm stuck in a room that has lots of TVs at max volume and each one is on different channels, I lose focus very quick even when trying to read a simple article I just space out on the first line.

I also have Schizophrenia, Bipolar, depression, anxiety, and depression, I have no energy to do anything and I'm constantly exhausted mentally and physically, I'm having panic attacks every day multiple times a day and it's physically painful I seriously think the universe is trolling me to the core, I eventually isolated myself when I was 20, a couple of years later I decided to go out and try again went to a school program long story short it went to shit and ended up isolating again.

I have attempted suicide twice so far, not sure if the second one count but I went far far away from home and walked to the middle of the desert because I didn't want body found and I was going to burn my fingers so I can not be identified, not that the authorities of this country are going to bother identifying a dead body probably straight to the grave... anyway I ended up decided to go back and give life and another try I'm not sure why maybe I got scared or felt some sort of false hope and that was 2 years ago.

I don't see the point in this every day is worst than the one before I honestly can not remember the last day where I was actually experiencing a little happiness I just use movies and music to create an imaginary world in my mind which help me escape this atrocious reality I'm living, it never gets better I feel like some us are just born to suffer until the last breath
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

Well-known member
Moderator
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Messages
9,189
Location
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It may help to have a look at these two pages on the forum: Suicidal Crisis and Mental Health Forum - Getting Help about what to do if you're feeling suicidal, or if you need emergency help. I hope you can use the forum for support during this difficult time.

If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.

Specifically for Morocco...
Their hotlines: +212 (5) 22 87 47 40 Landline, (from 09:00 to 17:00, Mon. - Fri.) +212 (6) 62 58 95 70 Mobile, (from 09:00 to 17:00, Mon. - Fri.) Languages spoken: French, Arabic
 
GTP

GTP

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
153
Location
US
I'm about to be 30 in a couple of weeks, I have no degrees no career and the only thing that I own is a bag full of mental illness, failures, and regrets and stuck in a third world country Muslim country with the most closed-minded people ever that I can't stand and truly sick of, besides the elders, those are the good people and the last generation with some manners.

I have not been to a therapist since I was 19 because I can't afford to but I'm sure I have OCD, I spend most of my day washing / changing clothes yesterday I had to shower twice in less than two hours, and every cleaning issues I'm not going to name everything, I'm always overwhelmed by disturbing thoughts that I really don't want to have and that start from the second I wake up, I end staying in bed for some time trying to make my mind think of something nice before I get out of my bed, and at night I have to watch movies or bing a show or listen to music while trying to sleep otherwise I'll just be rolling in bed for hours with no sleep and that does not work as well as it used to anymore I can hardly get distracted from these intrusive thoughts, I seriously feel like I'm stuck in a room that has lots of TVs at max volume and each one is on different channels, I lose focus very quick even when trying to read a simple article I just space out on the first line.

I also have Schizophrenia, Bipolar, depression, anxiety, and depression, I have no energy to do anything and I'm constantly exhausted mentally and physically, I'm having panic attacks every day multiple times a day and it's physically painful I seriously think the universe is trolling me to the core, I eventually isolated myself when I was 20, a couple of years later I decided to go out and try again went to a school program long story short it went to shit and ended up isolating again.

I have attempted suicide twice so far, not sure if the second one count but I went far far away from home and walked to the middle of the desert because I didn't want body found and I was going to burn my fingers so I can not be identified, not that the authorities of this country are going to bother identifying a dead body probably straight to the grave... anyway I ended up decided to go back and give life and another try I'm not sure why maybe I got scared or felt some sort of false hope and that was 2 years ago.

I don't see the point in this every day is worst than the one before I honestly can not remember the last day where I was actually experiencing a little happiness I just use movies and music to create an imaginary world in my mind which help me escape this atrocious reality I'm living, it never gets better I feel like some us are just born to suffer until the last breath
Velih,
I'm sorry for the things you are experiencing at the moment, but there's light at the end of this tunnel. Ever try to pivot yourself into something, to make something you own your own axis? Try to center your life around something and hold on to that, whether a good thought, experience or hobby/activity. I know it sounds like the last part is b.s. , but the main thing that makes a difference is giving it a shot .
 
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