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I don't see the point, or joy, in anything.

C

curiler

Member
Joined
Nov 7, 2020
Messages
5
Location
Egypt
First thought that came to my mind is "wow, you picked the right title to grab attention."
Second thought that went is "wow, you managed to act as if you are a self aware person."

So this is my first time sharing this online.

The only thing that is getting me by at the moment is trying not to think too much, but not in the sense of letting myself do whatever I want, cause that requires strength I don't have, but in the sense of not diving into the scary oceans of my mind.

From a young age I started practising violence against my emotions. I did not give them much time. Instead, I internalised the voices of my parents, religion, and what the world evidently demonstrated: that the heart, alone, leads you to dark places, and it is your mind, rationality, and control over yourself is the way to go.

I rationalized, intellectualized, and used every trick in the book.

My being queer, religious, and the only child to an emotionally dependant parent did not help.

I assumed the mantle of a wise man, a loving and understanding son, an A+ student even when I hated studying, and a role model. It wasn't an act; it was true. These became inseparable from my identity.

Years later, after getting into a ride downhill that is still going on, I decided to seek a therapist. Evidently, my mechanisms were failing. Something was terribly wrong.

It has been two years since that spiral started and one year since I started getting help. I learned a lot about myself, I am less afraid of my emotions, but I am at the worst place I have ever been.

I immerse myself in work which, due to multiple events including Covid, has burnt me out. Yet when the weekend arrives, instead of celebrating some time off, I feel utterly empty at best, and suicidal at worst.

I have lost the sense of joy and meaning.

Creating art doesn't work anymore. Neither do music, friends, writing, alone time, watching movies, or long walks.

I lost all the energy to mask.
Being closeted, in a country that prosecutes queer people, isn't helping.
Trying to make sense of my complex sexuality in such situation isn't helping.
Trying to be responsible when it comes to Covid, in a country that doesn't give a damn, isn't helping.
Noticing how people don't know how to handle my negativity isn't helping.
Hating how I am not able to be good enough for my family, or the world, isn't helping.
My existential dilemma on religion vs my needs, and what that means for my core beliefs about what life means, what happens, or not, after, and where should I try to head isn't helping.
Getting ignored by new people I try to get along with but fail out of being too complex for them or too much of a "good boy" isn't helping.
The clash between what I think, feel, and believe isn't helping.
My anxieties aren't helping.
My being limited in financial resources and mobility isn't helping.
Having a shattered support system isn't helping.
Being as diligent and responsible at work, with loads of stress, as ever isn't helping.
Trying to plan for my future and dealing with rejections meanwhile isn't helping.
Being unsure whether it is worth it at all isn't helping.

I have been told to just let go.
That I am too harsh on myself.
But I can't help but see it as an eternal paradox.
An endless struggle against myself, where I have to destroy myself to build myself anew, and even then, I might eventually end up in hell or something, be it on earth or, if it exists at all, in after life.

I know this all looks like words in the air.
That it is all, somehow, in my head.
Well some of it has to be for sure.
Although I swear it doesn't feel like it, there must be a way out.
The question is.. is this way out one where I remain intact?
is it worth getting out at all.
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
10,195
Location
England
Those small daily routines and seasonal changes, celebrations like birthdays, christmas, whatever you celebrate, it is what keeps me going. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, exercise, bath, shopping, sleep, repeat.

Researching family history was helpful to me. Cooking from grandma's cook book too, very old recipes.

Some days feel pointless still but you have to keep moving forwards. It won't be long until you are over 80 and the fight will be over but for now, take it one day at a time.
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,597
You do almost come across like someone who is hyper-aware, of certain things.
Sometimes hearing other people's perspectives can really improve your self-awareness and self-knowledge, even if they are things you don't agree with or they seem in some way foreign to you.

I can relate to some of your struggles, so just know you are not alone in them.
About not seeing the point, or joy, in anything, there has to be a solid reason for these things. It is possible, people forcing you, this way or the other, putting pressure on you to behave a certain way, et cetera, that may then wear you down emotionally, thus making it hard for you to take simple basic pleasures. Some people are more work-orientated also, and very focused in their mind on achieving results, results can be a form of pleasure but it can be a transitory, short-lived pleasure.
I think you need to talk through some of your emotions and experiences. Have you had any luck with therapy?
You can message if you want to discuss anything, like the issues you mentioned of religion etc.
 
C

curiler

Member
Joined
Nov 7, 2020
Messages
5
Location
Egypt
You do almost come across like someone who is hyper-aware, of certain things.
Sometimes hearing other people's perspectives can really improve your self-awareness and self-knowledge, even if they are things you don't agree with or they seem in some way foreign to you.

I can relate to some of your struggles, so just know you are not alone in them.
About not seeing the point, or joy, in anything, there has to be a solid reason for these things. It is possible, people forcing you, this way or the other, putting pressure on you to behave a certain way, et cetera, that may then wear you down emotionally, thus making it hard for you to take simple basic pleasures. Some people are more work-orientated also, and very focused in their mind on achieving results, results can be a form of pleasure but it can be a transitory, short-lived pleasure.
I think you need to talk through some of your emotions and experiences. Have you had any luck with therapy?
You can message if you want to discuss anything, like the issues you mentioned of religion etc.
Therapy taught me to pay attention to my emotions at all. I am grateful for it but I have to admit, most of the time the therapist doesn't have much to offer, momentarily at least, which is understandable.

I have been trying to take pleasure in work itself. It has been tough for lots of reasons but even at moments of achievement (as a teacher that usually means helping others achieve) I am struck by a feeling of emptiness. After it is all said and done, I am left wondering: what next? I just go home and struggle keeping it together till I fall asleep.

The thing with this state is how inherently lonely it is.
People around me deal with my sadness either through denial, helplessness, heaf-hearted attempts to help (almost insulting at times), or pulling their own defense mechanisms on me.

I can't blame any of them. I am a source of distress. Yeah yeah that's not a healthy language to refer to myself with, but that doesn't mean it is any less true.

And it just makes you feel lonelier.

I appreciate so much that you took the time to reply, and sorry for babbling.
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,597
Therapy taught me to pay attention to my emotions at all. I am grateful for it but I have to admit, most of the time the therapist doesn't have much to offer, momentarily at least, which is understandable.

I have been trying to take pleasure in work itself. It has been tough for lots of reasons but even at moments of achievement (as a teacher that usually means helping others achieve) I am struck by a feeling of emptiness. After it is all said and done, I am left wondering: what next? I just go home and struggle keeping it together till I fall asleep.

The thing with this state is how inherently lonely it is.
People around me deal with my sadness either through denial, helplessness, heaf-hearted attempts to help (almost insulting at times), or pulling their own defense mechanisms on me.

I can't blame any of them. I am a source of distress. Yeah yeah that's not a healthy language to refer to myself with, but that doesn't mean it is any less true.

And it just makes you feel lonelier.

I appreciate so much that you took the time to reply, and sorry for babbling.
It's okay, I have messaged you a reply.
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 19, 2019
Messages
10,676
Location
UK
First thought that came to my mind is "wow, you picked the right title to grab attention."
Second thought that went is "wow, you managed to act as if you are a self aware person."

So this is my first time sharing this online.

The only thing that is getting me by at the moment is trying not to think too much, but not in the sense of letting myself do whatever I want, cause that requires strength I don't have, but in the sense of not diving into the scary oceans of my mind.

From a young age I started practising violence against my emotions. I did not give them much time. Instead, I internalised the voices of my parents, religion, and what the world evidently demonstrated: that the heart, alone, leads you to dark places, and it is your mind, rationality, and control over yourself is the way to go.

I rationalized, intellectualized, and used every trick in the book.

My being queer, religious, and the only child to an emotionally dependant parent did not help.

I assumed the mantle of a wise man, a loving and understanding son, an A+ student even when I hated studying, and a role model. It wasn't an act; it was true. These became inseparable from my identity.

Years later, after getting into a ride downhill that is still going on, I decided to seek a therapist. Evidently, my mechanisms were failing. Something was terribly wrong.

It has been two years since that spiral started and one year since I started getting help. I learned a lot about myself, I am less afraid of my emotions, but I am at the worst place I have ever been.

I immerse myself in work which, due to multiple events including Covid, has burnt me out. Yet when the weekend arrives, instead of celebrating some time off, I feel utterly empty at best, and suicidal at worst.

I have lost the sense of joy and meaning.

Creating art doesn't work anymore. Neither do music, friends, writing, alone time, watching movies, or long walks.

I lost all the energy to mask.
Being closeted, in a country that prosecutes queer people, isn't helping.
Trying to make sense of my complex sexuality in such situation isn't helping.
Trying to be responsible when it comes to Covid, in a country that doesn't give a damn, isn't helping.
Noticing how people don't know how to handle my negativity isn't helping.
Hating how I am not able to be good enough for my family, or the world, isn't helping.
My existential dilemma on religion vs my needs, and what that means for my core beliefs about what life means, what happens, or not, after, and where should I try to head isn't helping.
Getting ignored by new people I try to get along with but fail out of being too complex for them or too much of a "good boy" isn't helping.
The clash between what I think, feel, and believe isn't helping.
My anxieties aren't helping.
My being limited in financial resources and mobility isn't helping.
Having a shattered support system isn't helping.
Being as diligent and responsible at work, with loads of stress, as ever isn't helping.
Trying to plan for my future and dealing with rejections meanwhile isn't helping.
Being unsure whether it is worth it at all isn't helping.

I have been told to just let go.
That I am too harsh on myself.
But I can't help but see it as an eternal paradox.
An endless struggle against myself, where I have to destroy myself to build myself anew, and even then, I might eventually end up in hell or something, be it on earth or, if it exists at all, in after life.

I know this all looks like words in the air.
That it is all, somehow, in my head.
Well some of it has to be for sure.
Although I swear it doesn't feel like it, there must be a way out.
The question is.. is this way out one where I remain intact?
is it worth getting out at all.
Hi @curiler ,

I don't think it's possible to be happy unless we are living life as our authentic self - and you can't.

Sexuality does not just find expression in a relationship - it's part of our identity. You are having to repress that aspect of yourself and keep it hidden - which is denying a part of you.

This repression is not only a case of hiding your sexuality in a country where it is not accepted - you are having the same internal battle with every authority figure in your life - your god...your parents.

You have projected the external persona that you think will make them happy - the diligent A grade student growing up and now the relentless worker. The disparity between who you want to be and who you feel you have to project is, I think, where your unhappiness lies.

We all have very few options for radical life change right now due to the pandemic - so the most you can do is start planning a different future in detail. ( Sometimes, working on the 'escape tunnel' is as mentally liberating as the escape itself.)

Could you work in another Country where you're free to be yourself?

The answers are not about changing who you are. It's about living in an environment where who you really are is embraced, appreciated and supported. x
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,597
Hi @curiler ,

I don't think it's possible to be happy unless we are living life as our authentic self - and you can't.

Sexuality does not just find expression in a relationship - it's part of our identity. You are having to repress that aspect of yourself and keep it hidden - which is denying a part of you.

This repression is not only a case of hiding your sexuality in a country where it is not accepted - you are having the same internal battle with every authority figure in your life - your god...your parents.

You have projected the external persona that you think will make them happy - the diligent A grade student growing up and now the relentless worker. The disparity between who you want to be and who you feel you have to project is, I think, where your unhappiness lies.

We all have very few options for radical life change right now due to the pandemic - so the most you can do is start planning a different future in detail. ( Sometimes, working on the 'escape tunnel' is as mentally liberating as the escape itself.)

Could you work in another Country where you're free to be yourself?

The answers are not about changing who you are. It's about living in an environment where who you really are is embraced, appreciated and supported. x
Love this reply
 
C

curiler

Member
Joined
Nov 7, 2020
Messages
5
Location
Egypt
Hi @curiler ,

I don't think it's possible to be happy unless we are living life as our authentic self - and you can't.

Sexuality does not just find expression in a relationship - it's part of our identity. You are having to repress that aspect of yourself and keep it hidden - which is denying a part of you.

This repression is not only a case of hiding your sexuality in a country where it is not accepted - you are having the same internal battle with every authority figure in your life - your god...your parents.

You have projected the external persona that you think will make them happy - the diligent A grade student growing up and now the relentless worker. The disparity between who you want to be and who you feel you have to project is, I think, where your unhappiness lies.

We all have very few options for radical life change right now due to the pandemic - so the most you can do is start planning a different future in detail. ( Sometimes, working on the 'escape tunnel' is as mentally liberating as the escape itself.)

Could you work in another Country where you're free to be yourself?

The answers are not about changing who you are. It's about living in an environment where who you really are is embraced, appreciated and supported. x
I love this reply too.

It is true, just when I was opening up to the idea of a radical change the pandemic happened. I am trying to plan my postgraduate studies elsewhere at the moment, but it is a stressful, tedious process, especially with limited finances.

It is also true that it is not just an external battle at this point, but also an internal one, against all the figures of authority I have internalized.

Problem is, I have always been so worried about being wrong. About lacking the perspective. A radical refusal of everything seems immature to me, yet a gradual change is too slow, and honestly limited. I doubt everything to the point of not being sure if life is about being happy in the first place; if that can be my compass at all. I have a tendency of overestimating how much I can take, which seems to be an inflated ego in a sense.

There are moments where I don't have the privilege of such questions. Moments where collapse is too imminent, and getting away from death seems to be the priority. But these existential anxieties never seem to go away, not even when I experienced being in an environment that is more accepting before and I am fearing it will take A LOT to get out of this trap.

What you said at the end is valuable though. Maybe if I am in such an environment for an extended period, it is less about changing myself, and more about getting away from certain stressors and repressors.
 
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