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I don't need me.

O

OliviaGeorge

New member
Joined
Mar 28, 2021
Messages
1
Location
Brisbane
I have a husband, two children (a one year old and a 4 week old). I have a family, I have supports but I feel so alone.

I love my family but I don't want to be here.

I care for my family but I don't feel like I can care for myself.

I can't do it anymore. I'm not a good wife or a good mother. Everyone has their ups and downs but I feel like the downs outweigh the ups and it's hard.

My children cry and I cry with them. I cry for a better life, a more understanding and supportive husband. I cry because I can't do it all alone.

I'm not alone but I constantly feel that way.

He helps, he offers to help but I feel like eveything is my responsibility and my chore because I'm the wife and mother.

Is this how society was meant, is this how we have been conditioned to feel?

It's a women's job.

I do eveything in my but also not enough. I can do more, I should so more but I can't bring myself to.

Is something wrong with me or am I over reacting, is it just a phase?

I've been feeling like this for a while now, when will it stop? Is it my fault I feel this way? Do I bring the pain upon my self? Maybe if I tried I could just put it behind me and see the light day.

It always seems so dark where I am, maybe if I could just turn on a light.

I'm a failure.

I should be happy, I should be happy for my husband and my children. They need a good, strong supportive person in their life. Why can't that be me?

I lose my patience with my children, they don't do anything wrong, they are kids and are learning how to express their feelings but I don't know how to cope.

It hurts.

My son cries for his father when he's not around and my daughter cries too, possibly for the same.

Would they be better off without me? Would I be better off too?

Maybe I'm not built to be a mother, maybe I wasn't ready.

It was my choice to be a mother but what if I made the wrong one?

It's getting hard. Hard to be happy. Hard to be present. I try but I'm not always there anymore.

I think secretly my husband has realised, maybe even my family but no one says anything.


I tell him how I don't feel like a good mother. We have had that conversation too many times but his response is always the same, "you are a good mother". He's tried of hearing my concern.

Maybe it's all in my head.

I just want it to stop. I want it to go away.

I want to go away.

I have a past of feeling this way, maybe it is my fault.

When I was in high school I graved affection, I craved to loved. No one could love me the way I felt I needed so I compromised.

I gave the boys what they wanted so I could feel the desire while it lasted. It never lasted long but they kept coming back until something, someone better came along. It was a constant cycle.

Part of me thought maybe changing my looks would make them stay. Food became and best and worst enemy. I ate it but never kept it down. I found excuses to be away from my friends at lunch so they couldn't see me suffer.

I wasn't their burden to have.

After a while I lost them too.

I'm used to being alone, not needing anymore but everyone always needs someone.

They stopped having time for me and my drama, I couldn't blame them.

Once highschool finished up my needs for attention grew stronger. My desire for attention grew with it.

I started using strangers to feel something.

I was used, and I was broken. I lost a piece of me I once never thought was important until it was taken away.

A man who I thought I loved took what he wanted without consent but we were together so it was okay, right? I told him I wanted to wait but I didn't stop him once he started. I did tpush him away. I could have fought his hands, could have fought his hold a little harder but I didn't.

I was numb. I let him take what he wanted again and again.

After I whole I stopped saying no because it was just easier to say nothing.

I hid the bruises and the tears from those around me.

He cheated but not on me, I was the one he cheated with. He used it against me. His girlfriend used it against me but it turns out what he did to me he did to her too. I felt sorry for her. She was younger and she shouldn't have had to deal with that.

I never felt sorry for myself, I felt as though I deserved it. I felt as though it was okay because he was my boyfriend.

With the promise of a relationship, I let another take what he wanted too. Safe to say he isn't around and never really was.

I let this happen to me, it must be my fault. I could have said no, could have stopped it. Instead I let them because I thought it was right, thought I was easier than saying no and being "that" girl.

Instead I am "that" girl.

My husband is good to me, he is loving and kind. He supports me and takes care of me, never makes me do anything I don't want to.

None times out of ten I say yes though and if he asks enough I give in anyway. But it's not the same thing right? He's my husband.

Afterall I need him.

I just don't need myself anymore.
 
Jolly

Jolly

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 26, 2020
Messages
1,573
Location
United Kingdom
Welcome. Lovely people on the forum and plenty of advice. I do feel for you. You are a good person. My hubby is good with me and does an awful lot. I do feel guilty about it. Have you spoke to a doctor about how you are feeling?
 
BadWolf10

BadWolf10

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 18, 2021
Messages
77
Location
UK
I am sorry you are going through such a hard time.
I would certainly recommend talking to a medical professional about how you are.doing. It might feel like a big step but you can do it.
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
2,159
Location
Southern USA
Dear Olivia,
Welcome here.
You must see a doctor about this.
Your husband sounds lovely.

If you did do something to yourself your children
will always feel it was their fault; so you can't.

You must forgive yourself for all the blame you are beating yourself up with.
Post parteum depression could be?
Your 4 week old must be just adorable. Awh!
We are glad you are here ✌
 
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