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I don't know who I am anymore

Q

Quissum

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Joined
May 21, 2020
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4
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Hi, I'm new here. I'm a 30 year old male and I'm having an identity crisis or something. I'll start by saying I do have anxiety and depression which I'm on medication for. I might need to get them switched or upped though.

There's obviously a lot more going on then what I'm going to write but this is my biggest issue right now. Here goes.

Sometimes I feel like there are 2 people inside me. One good and one bad. Ive always seen both sides to things. There is so much gray in the world. I have such a hard time with absolutes, except in rare situations.

I feel like I try to compensate:
  • I try to be extra kind to people
  • Put everyone else before me-their wants and needs
  • I try not to judge, and do all I can to help others
  • Be a positive light/don't let negativity in
  • People believe I'm good and innocent but I don't know that I am
  • I worry my insecurities are what keep me "good". I'm scared of becoming a bitter, negative, miserable person.
But I feel like there's darkness in me:
  • I have flashes or imagine doing terrible things or surviving terrible things.
  • The fear of being caught or judged holds me back from so many things that I worry I'd do if there were no consequences.
  • I've thought hateful/violent things about others and myself
I'm so wishy-washy. Easily swayed. I don't know how to form my own opinions. It's like I take on ones from those around me. I can't make decisions cause I see both sides to things and second/triple/quadruple guess myself. I don't know how to stop.

I just want to be true to me, whoever that may be.

If anyone has any thoughts or advice I would greatly appreciate it.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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Sometimes I feel like there are 2 people inside me. One good and one bad.
You might be right there, I've known there was another consciousness living within me for 4 years now, ever since he started speaking to me directly.

From my experience I've come up with the idea (not a new idea, others have believed this for decades) that all humans have not one but two separate minds living in the one body.

A book called 'The Daemon - A guide to your extraordinary secret self' by Anthony Peake conveys this idea perfectly, it claims that scientists back in the 1960's discovered that each hemisphere of the brain contains a unique and independent consciousness, the author calls this second consciousness our Daemon and calls our consciousness the Eidolon.

Again from my personal experience my Daemon has shown an ability to put thoughts, ideas, impulses and images into my mind as well as showing me other abilities. It wasn't until I started taking anti-psychotics (not that I recommend you using them) that I truly learnt what was my Daemons thoughts and which were my own, the medication put a sort of wedge between us both and we truly became separate instead of the line between his and my mind being very blurred.

My Daemon can no longer influence my mind although he still can put thoughts and images into my mind but now I can recognise them for what they are, for the first time in my life I feel truly myself.

They're nothing to be afraid of but once you become aware of this idea you can begin to question where each thought you have comes from, I've gotten to know my Daemon very well so I know how he thinks and let me tell you we are not alike, he's like a child and has negative thoughts and I'm more mature and have mostly positive thoughts.
 
Q

Quissum

New member
Joined
May 21, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Somewhere
A book called 'The Daemon - A guide to your extraordinary secret self' by Anthony Peake conveys this idea perfectly, it claims that scientists back in the 1960's discovered that each hemisphere of the brain contains a unique and independent consciousness, the author calls this second consciousness our Daemon and calls our consciousness the Eidolon.
That's definitely an interesting idea. I'm gonna see about reading that, I found a free sample to read, then I'll probably buy the book.

Thank you for such an in depth response. I obviously haven't read it yet, but would that imply that my Daemon is where so much of the negativity stems from? And I'm just unable to keep up a wall between them?

And thank you midnightphoenix!
 
Zero One

Zero One

Well-known member
Joined
May 19, 2020
Messages
2,553
Location
United States
Hi, I'm new here. I'm a 30 year old male and I'm having an identity crisis or something. I'll start by saying I do have anxiety and depression which I'm on medication for. I might need to get them switched or upped though.

There's obviously a lot more going on then what I'm going to write but this is my biggest issue right now. Here goes.

Sometimes I feel like there are 2 people inside me. One good and one bad. Ive always seen both sides to things. There is so much gray in the world. I have such a hard time with absolutes, except in rare situations.

I feel like I try to compensate:
  • I try to be extra kind to people
  • Put everyone else before me-their wants and needs
  • I try not to judge, and do all I can to help others
  • Be a positive light/don't let negativity in
  • People believe I'm good and innocent but I don't know that I am
  • I worry my insecurities are what keep me "good". I'm scared of becoming a bitter, negative, miserable person.
But I feel like there's darkness in me:
  • I have flashes or imagine doing terrible things or surviving terrible things.
  • The fear of being caught or judged holds me back from so many things that I worry I'd do if there were no consequences.
  • I've thought hateful/violent things about others and myself
I'm so wishy-washy. Easily swayed. I don't know how to form my own opinions. It's like I take on ones from those around me. I can't make decisions cause I see both sides to things and second/triple/quadruple guess myself. I don't know how to stop.

I just want to be true to me, whoever that may be.

If anyone has any thoughts or advice I would greatly appreciate it.
Stop! You had me at 30 yr old male 😍 just kidding lol. Hello and welcome to the forum.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 6, 2017
Messages
4,130
Location
Sheffiield
would that imply that my Daemon is where so much of the negativity stems from? And I'm just unable to keep up a wall between them?
My theory is we all build a wall between us and our Daemons as we grow and learn, but the wall has some bricks missing.

When a Daemon tries to throw a 'ball' of influence at your wall it either bounces off or finds a hole and makes it through, the ones that are bouncing off are trying to influence you to do bad things or think in a negative way, when this happens people often consider the thoughts to be intrusive, a lot of people get (mis)diagnosed with some form of OCD, however when a 'ball' of influence goes through a hole you think these thoughts are entirely your own and you go ahead and let yourself be influenced.

My holes are good ones, if my Daemon tries to influence me to be good, think in a positive way or to do something I enjoy no alarm bells start to ring, some things I enjoy are eating food that I like so when my Daemon suggests pizza, a Chinese takeaway or go to McDonalds I think these thoughts are my own and I do them if I'm hungry at the time, but if my Daemon wants me to harm myself or harm others it goes against my core personality so this kind of influence bounces off my wall and sets off my alarms.

When we start off in life we have no wall and we're heavily influenced by our Daemons, we give in to almost every impulse we have, but as we learn and grow we start to build one, every time we do something wrong and get punished we put another brick in our walls, we don't do it again no matter how often we get the urge to do it again. This is why I believe Daemons start to talk to us directly, they learn they can't influence us using thoughts, ideas and impulses as well as they used to on a passive level so they try to do it actively.

So that's my theory, I call it the personality firewall.

As Pink Floyd once sang "All in all we're just another brick in the wall".
 
C

CyndiCat

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Joined
May 22, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Australia
I think if we focus a lot on being positive and good, this can create a darker shadow or demon- negative impulses from the subconscious. Many people recommend trying to integrate that shadow, not by going 'bad', but by allowing safe ways to let out negative impulses. I know this can be difficult if you are very committed to goodness. The fact is that all people do have negative impulses, as well as positive ones.If you don't, you're not human. Instincts for self- protection are vital, for example. If you find yourself having violent impulses or fantasies, this may be an indication that you are not standing up for yourself enough, and you are unconsciously feeling victimised and weak. Try saying ' no' forcefully but politely to someone you think might be bossing you around. You might be surprised that they gain a little respect for you, and realise you are not to be messed with. This is just an example. Best of luck.
- CyndiCat
 
Q

Quissum

New member
Joined
May 21, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Somewhere
I think if we focus a lot on being positive and good, this can create a darker shadow or demon- negative impulses from the subconscious. Many people recommend trying to integrate that shadow, not by going 'bad', but by allowing safe ways to let out negative impulses. I know this can be difficult if you are very committed to goodness. The fact is that all people do have negative impulses, as well as positive ones.If you don't, you're not human. Instincts for self- protection are vital, for example. If you find yourself having violent impulses or fantasies, this may be an indication that you are not standing up for yourself enough, and you are unconsciously feeling victimised and weak. Try saying ' no' forcefully but politely to someone you think might be bossing you around. You might be surprised that they gain a little respect for you, and realise you are not to be messed with. This is just an example. Best of luck.
- CyndiCat
Thank you. This actually does make a lot of sense for me. That's definitely something I struggle with, blinding myself to negativity. I usually try to avoid it so that it doesn't bring me down, and also cause it makes me feel like a bad person. But I guess that ends up giving it more power over me. Saying no is one of my biggest issues, along with not standing up for myself. Thank you again!
 
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