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I don't know which is the right place for me

T

Turtleflips

New member
Joined
Aug 19, 2018
Messages
2
I have problems making and maintaining relationships, meaning friendships. I currently have zero friends, even online. Over the past 11 years, the only 'friends' I made were pseudo relationships online, aside from one or two people, who I became clingy with and pushed away unintentionally. I had to act extremely bubbly and fun to get their attention. And now even that doesn't work, because I just don't have that in me anymore. I'm actually more paralyzed and angry than sad.

I think I've since fallen into depression because the normal traits are all there. Not being able to like things I used to (or anything, now) is the biggest one. I've been hearing I was depressed or had anxiety or whatever since I was a teenager, but I know myself. This is different than I've ever felt. I'm not suicidal, but I feel hopeless and can't see a future for myself beyond another day of being stuck in limbo tomorrow, and for every tomorrow after that. And *that* is not strictly rational, because I can technically recognize that there are a couple ways to try again to be social. But I just haven't been able to lift myself out of this pit for about 3 years now, and generally don't believe those 'options' could even work. And I'm scared that the next 10 will be like this, and I'll wake up one day and have thrown the rest of my life away.

This is an odd request I guess but I don't know where to go as far as online support groups go. I don't identify with depression. I've only received half assed "diagnoses" by counselors, and I've never taken medication. I've been anxious or something to the point of waking up almost every day for 10 months straight, with nausea, due to losing what I thought was finally a relationship. But at the same time I don't have panic attacks and whatever that was is mostly behind me now. I just don't fit anywhere.

I was ok for many years because at least I had chatrooms I could go to, but it seems like forums are getting less and less traffic and many chatrooms are now being taken down.
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 20, 2019
Messages
2,868
Location
England
Hi and welcome (like the name by the way). Why is it that you can't make friends in the real world, or aren't making friends in the real world? Do you think looking or depending on online friends is getting in the way of that? It sounds like it could be to me. The one thing that really stands out is when you said these two things:

"I became clingy with and pushed away unintentionally. I had to act extremely bubbly and fun to get their attention."

The latter is obviously not genuine and people pick up on that, so just be yourself. The former is more complicated because it can go back a long way as to why people are clingy. Do you have any problems in your past with family or relationships, friends even, in which you've been neglected or hurt in any way?
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
1,462
Location
Punta Gorda, Florida, USA
As far as being clingy, could it be codependency?

"Excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction."
 
T

Turtleflips

New member
Joined
Aug 19, 2018
Messages
2
The latter is obviously not genuine and people pick up on that, so just be yourself.

Thank you. Sorry, I should have been more clear. It wasn't an act. It is (was) my personality, just amped up. But for some time, even the smallest attempt to joke with anyone, coworkers or customers, has only brought confusing interactions. It never goes over well. And I'm not actually doing anything differently than I have my entire life before now. So, that's why I can't make friends irl. Or even online, tbh. Yes, I do think my best bet to socialize is online (although probably through online gaming, maybe with voice chat.)

Yes, I do have those problems and have had them my entire life.
 
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