I dont know where to start but I need help.

J

John26

New member
Joined
Feb 20, 2009
Messages
2
Ok, I will start with the basics. I have just turned 20. I am unemployed, I went to university in September 07 but have not really done anything since. Ok. Sorry its really hard to type this sort of thing. erm. I have always been sort of a melancholy person, I was known as the most pesimistic person ever in secondary school. I am sure I have depression. I think i may also have some other disorders, possible personality disorders. I am extremely paranoid at all times, had my first relationship which has just ended after 10 months. I am addicted to marijuana, cigarettes and for a period alcohol(marijuana helped m,e stop drinking but you can guess how that worked out. I am 19 and yet i have nothing to live for. I do not care about anything, I do not see the point in doing anything. I have had one friend who is sort of a loner like me but we get on well. Unfortunately its not enough to make me want to stay alive. I constantly think about suicide but yet never do it and i am not the type to do a cry for help attempt. I don't feel like I share anything much in common with everything and have a hate for most things in life. I live on a tiny amount of money (basic benefits) and spend half on weed leaving me with like £20 a week if that for other things. I have given up eating. I have lost 4 stone in a year, going from a tiny bit chubby at 13 stone to a shadow of my former self at 9. My relationship was weird, it was my first, I had never kissed a girl before I met this girl and she was very forceful but in a cute way(hard to explain) basically we stayed together for 10 months, most of which consisted of me being full of hate due to her having slept with 7 people before me and she cheated on me with an ex when we first started going out, I think that may have really harmed my mind. It feels like jealousy but more consuming. I have never had a job, despite getting very good grades at A level I just could not motivate myself to work at university and since I dropped out almost a year ago I have pretty muched lived in my shitty disgusting £45 a week house(paid by taxpayers), shared with two people I have absolutely nothing in common with. I never made many friends at school and even less at university. I absolutely hate vanity for some reason, thinking all girls who go out in revealing clothes to be sluts. I just seem to hate the society I live in. I hate the way the world works and I hate myself. The only productive thing I could possibly motivate myself to do is kill myself. I want to hurt people who deserve to be hurt, I want to fight people. Material possesions mean nothing to me, but then people dont really either. I often think of being put in an asylum or something, somewhere i can just be medicated. See the things is although only 20, I do not want to achieve anything in life. I see it as the universe does not care if you die, so what is the point. I do not want to do good in this world, I dont really want to do anything. Nothing will change apart from my parents(who have always been supportive yet know nothing of me) will be very upset. Depression runs in my family. I hate it but its all i know, i would give anything to be happy. i cant even imagine how it feels. This was a pure rant( probably waste of time) I will try and compose my thoughts soon and repost. I need help I stay in bed for likw 18 hours a day.

Any thought please be honest!
I will try doing this properly if i discover the willpower.
 
S

saffron

Guest
what did you do in college?
what do you like doing, not at the moment obviously, but what things would you like to do?
weed will make youi paranoid and take yoiur money, dont need to tell you that really.
S
 
J

John26

New member
Joined
Feb 20, 2009
Messages
2
I did politics at uni, although I have no interest in it anymore, I never did really, I just did it because it was the 'done thing' at my schoool, I had the grades, had studied it at Alevel and wanted to live away from home.

I don't really want anything, I wish I did, I wish i could just do what most people do and get a job, settle down and work towards something but that something doesnt seem to exist for me. I have thought about joining the army but I don't think I am in any state to do that and it could just go horribly wrong...
 
B

Borderline

Guest
It's time to talk to a professional. And if you do see someone, I strongly recommend that you tell them everything you said. They can't help you if you hold it in.

The thoughts you feel, about there being no point to any action, having no purpose, despising society, wanting to kill yourself... those are real thoughts, but there is an imbalance in your chemistry which automatically puts a negative spin on everything. It's not supposed to be that way.

I'm there myself. In my case, I secluded myself from society after having an anxiety-induced breakdown. I dropped out of High School. I let my problems and anti-societal thoughts drag on for years and years until those very thoughts had me pinned against a wall. I developed Major Depression and became suicidal.

I have to keep reminding myself that there is a problem with my chemistry. This can be fixed. Sometimes it requires medication. Sometimes it requires ECT.

My problems started at 15, and now I'm 29. I wish I would have gotten help sooner. You have that chance. You're young and smart and you can turn this around.
 
S

saffron

Guest
well politics is a bit like marmite, yoiu either love it or dont, its interesting that you said you only did it because it was expectd even though you hated it, would this effect you making decisions that is built on what you really enjoy?
what is it about the army that interests you?
having what people describe as a perfect life, a wife, car house job, blahl blah blah is fairly rare, but even within this the people do have their own interests and hates. nothing is perfect.
at 20 you are free and able to explore more of the world out there,
some people never know what they want to do in life and some do,
ut I do agree that yoiu should see your gp in case you are sufferering from depression or something.
the world is out there though try loads of stuff and see what really takes your fancy, you need something to focus on now uni has finished,
how about doing some travelling or working holidays? these are great for people of your age and not that expensive. working holidays give yoiu the opportunity to live another country, learn the culture etc and can range from helping raise aids awareness in africa to picking fruit in australia.
S
 
S

schizolanza

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 22, 2008
Messages
2,566
You can get help John.It sounds to me like you need to see your GP and explain how you feel.You could print off this page and take it with you if that helps.
 
D

Dollit

Guest
You do need to talk to your GP about the way you're feeling and do print off your posting and take it with you.

And girls who go out in revealing clothes aren't sluts - if you look good on the outside then the chances are you'll begin to feel good on the inside. Everyone needs something to make them feel better outwardly so the inward person gets a chance to feel better.

I play two songs when I dip if I can't get hold of the people I need to speak to and I listen to the words. It's sometimes enough just to keep me this side of sane. Sometimes it fails miserably. But it's my window dressing.

It's hard to try to get well when you're as low as you are right now but you obviously want to or you wouldn't be here and you will get support here.
 
BadBuddha

BadBuddha

Active member
Joined
Dec 28, 2008
Messages
29
Location
South London
I think you're very brave to reveal all that, a lot of which I share but keep to myself! I think you should get to a GP because it's really hard to change when you're feeling that nihilistic (I've nearly drunk myself to death twice, I'm addicted to benzodiazapines and I'm on two flavours of anti-depressants, so I do know where you're coming from). It sounds like depression to me; there's a kind called dysthymia which is long-term, chronic, low level depression and having diagnosed myself with that I've been prescribed Sertraline which seem to work. As for the weed, I gave up after 35 years after my recent stay in the psych ward and I do feel better for it. You could try stopping and see how you feel. You can always start again!
I can recommend psychiatric nurses and people like that for practical suggestions; psychiatrists are just good for handing out pills in my experience (but others have had really good psychiatrists so don't take my word for it).
I think you should concentrate on improving your state of mind, whatever it takes. I have hit absolute rock bottom in the past and recovered so I reckon most people can.
Good luck and all my best wishes to you.
 
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