• Hi. It’s great to see you. Welcome!

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life. Amongst our membership there is a wealth of expertise that has been developed through having to deal with mental health issues.

    We are an actively moderated forum with a team of experienced moderators. We also have a specialist safety team that works extra hard to keep the forum safe for visitors and members.

    Register now to access many more features and forums!

I don't know what's wrong with me.

MsAnki

MsAnki

New member
Joined
Jan 13, 2020
Messages
2
Location
Texas, USA
The title isn't meant to sound melodramatic, I promise. I genuinely just don't know what's wrong with me. I haven't felt like myself for awhile now, but then again I feel like I don't really have a true sense of who I am. I feel like I spent the past 5 or 6 years floating from friend group to friend group, adapting so that they didn't ever get tired of me or leave me behind. That was a real fear of mine, getting left behind. And because I tried so hard to fit in I feel like I never really developed a true sense of my own personality? I see bits and pieces of everyone I've ever cared about within me but I can never find myself. Like, I'm working on getting my bachelors right now because I know it's what I have to do, but when I step back and ask myself if I really want this degree, I'm so indifferent about it. But I don't know what else I'd do, so I guess this is okay? Does that make sense? Like am I doing this because I want to, or because it's what's expected from me?

On top of all of that I feel like a robot most days. Like I'm just going through the motions of living. Every day just feels like a chore. My favorite part of the day is sleeping. Sleeping. I used to love doing things like drawing, or writing, or sewing, and now it all feels so forced. I just feel so empty most days, like every laugh is fake and every smile is forced and it's become so exhausting. Not feeling anything has become exhausting because I have to fake it so no one thinks anythings wrong. On the other end though, it takes the littlest of things to set me off into an intense anger or intense sadness. I think people around me are starting to notice how irritable I'm becoming, and I hate it. One moment I'm fine and the next I'm terrible to be around. I'm aware of it but I can't do anything about it, no matter how hard I try.

I know where it all stems from. That isn't even a question for me. Growing up my father has always been extremely mentally and verbally abusive. Walking around my family home felt like walking on eggshells, trying to avoid saying something that would set him off. My mom suffers from extreme anxiety because of it, but she's on the side of things that therapists and medication are useless and you can help yourself with essential oils & meditation because the first medication she ever tried made her feel like a zombie. This meant in high school I was never allowed to go to a therapist because she assumed I would hate it. And my dad wouldn't ever let me get medicated if I did go because he also had a bad experience with medication when he was younger. So I was kind of screwed over. And now I am, a grown adult who knows I have problems and no proper diagnosis other than looking at google and going "I mean, I guess I do that?"

It's just become so exhausting. I want to talk to someone about it, because I feel like it's been getting worse. I've been thinking about death a lot lately, about how easy it would be. I want to die, but I don't want to kill myself. I just want to stop existing like this. And the hardest part is I know I couldn't ever tell my mother that. When I told her I didn't want to be catholic she had a breakdown because she felt like a failure of a mother, I can only imagine how she'd feel if her only daughter told her she doesn't want to be alive anymore.

If you've made it this far, I'm sorry for the information dump, I got carried away. I guess my whole point with this is, is there anyone else who can relate to what I'm going through? I've just felt so alone in this for so long I just want to know if there's anyone else going through/who has gone through anything similar. Thanks for reading, and I hope this makes some sort of sense.
 
D

DL1

Member
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
23
Location
Bushey
Mood disorders,take many shapes and affect people in different ways.
Personally I am diagnosed with bipolar 2,feeling so bad I have withdrawn from work for 2 months.
Visited a psychiatrist who helped me with medication.
Not for everyone but for me it was start for me to feel so much better.
Alternatively look at therapy,why?
because a good therapist will get you to look at what's causing you to stop moving forward , without judgement.
I am an advocate for seeking help if you are mentally struggling.
However seek advice from someone who works well with you, I have had bad psychiatrist who were not able to get me.
That's advice from me if you are stuck guilt ridden we have all been there seek support .
 
Top