C
confused
New member
- Joined
- Sep 28, 2008
- Messages
- 2
hi. i'm a 19 year old male with a long family history of mental/emotional/psychological disorders. for as long as i can remember i've had some 'problems.' they were more prevalent in my childhood (between 8 and 11) at which point i was put on so much medication that i could barely even exist. eventually i was 'better' and we started just doing therapy with no drugs and then i was 'cured.' for about five years now i've been in what i've referred to as 'a constant state of existential crisis.' theres been depression, light drug abuse, and two suicide attempts. but lately i think i've been regaining the symptons i had when i was younger. my parents won't talk to me about it (they're the kind of people that think that these things are a reflection on them and so they should be hidden away) so i have no idea what i was officially diagnosed with. childhood schizophrenia was thrown around due to a family history, manic depression was thrown around, even aspergers syndrome was talked about when i was around 14-17. but now i'm uninsured and too broke to avoid therapy or medication or whatever it is may need for a <i>proper</i> diagnosis. so i was wondering if anyone could take a basic shot at helping me out to finding out whats wrong with me?
some 'symptons' i have are...
i konw this was a very long post and i know this is no ones obligation but a paid therapist to help me figure out my situation but if anyone wants to take a shot i'd be more than happy.
if you have any questions or want to know anything else about like, family history or something, you can ask and ill let you know.
thanks.
dan.
ps: i hope you don't mind this whole thing being in lowercase, but i think capital letters are disgustingly ugly.
some 'symptons' i have are...
- i constantly feel out of place,
- i constantly feel the decisions i'm making are the wrong ones, i constantly feel that i have no potential and no means of securing potential to achieve anything in life,
- i have constant thoughts of suicide (i'd say that i think about suicide about once an hour, and consider suicide about twice a day while i've only attempted one time intentionally and another time was a cry for help situation in my teens)
- i generally only sleep about 5 hours a night and out of seven days i think i only really reach rem sleep maybe four.
- i constantly question the motives of everyone around me
- i have an inability to make friends because i am both socially awkward and as forementioned constantly questioning peoples motives
- as this lack of social skills developed (first when i was 6 which was probably a result of depression due to my parents divorce and then again around 15) i resorted to isolationism. i would lock myself in my room for anywhere between just a few hours a day to as much as 10 days without leaving my bed.
- i dont really <i>feel</i> anything to an exceptional degree. i know that, for example, my nephew died i know i would feel sad and i know that if got a raise at work i would feel happy but i don't they would be and in the past never have been severe degrees of emotion.
- the only way i can express myself is through artistic expression. i write songs, plays, novels, journals, paint paintings, etc which i then guard as though they were jewels. i let no one see them.
- i see myself as inferior and when given the oppurtunity i put the successes of others before myself.
- the sound of whispering makes me nauseous. i believe this is because i instinctively feel the whispering pertains to me.
- i find it hard to make decisions due to the small circumstances of every situation. what if this happens, what if that happens, etc.
- i constantly lie to people
- i constantlly steal (not out of necessity, and not for any specific purpose. just cause)
- as a child i wsnt physically abused but i was very very emotionally abused by my father when he had custody and neglected from about age 6 to 16 by my mother when she had custody
- this is a recent development. in the past few months if something occurs in an absurd or surreal fashion i begin to question the reality of it. for example, i went to the movies with my friend paul. i arrived on time but my friend wasn't there yet. i started thinking about the topic and was eventually convinced that i didn't even have a friend paul, that rent wasn't showing at the theatre i was at and i was 15 miles from home for no reason at all. i considered killing myself to end the surrealism. this lasted until paul showed up.
- also, i've been hearing voices and noises in my house to the extent that i now have knives in several rooms in case i have to attack anyone.
- on the voices topic, when i was younger, after my aunts death i would hear her voice before doing things correctly but if i didn't hear her voice i knew i would fail at whatever it was i was trying.
i konw this was a very long post and i know this is no ones obligation but a paid therapist to help me figure out my situation but if anyone wants to take a shot i'd be more than happy.
if you have any questions or want to know anything else about like, family history or something, you can ask and ill let you know.
thanks.
dan.
ps: i hope you don't mind this whole thing being in lowercase, but i think capital letters are disgustingly ugly.