i don't know whats wrong with me

[confused]

hi. i'm a 19 year old male with a long family history of mental/emotional/psychological disorders. for as long as i can remember i've had some 'problems.' they were more prevalent in my childhood (between 8 and 11) at which point i was put on so much medication that i could barely even exist. eventually i was 'better' and we started just doing therapy with no drugs and then i was 'cured.' for about five years now i've been in what i've referred to as 'a constant state of existential crisis.' theres been depression, light drug abuse, and two suicide attempts. but lately i think i've been regaining the symptons i had when i was younger. my parents won't talk to me about it (they're the kind of people that think that these things are a reflection on them and so they should be hidden away) so i have no idea what i was officially diagnosed with. childhood schizophrenia was thrown around due to a family history, manic depression was thrown around, even aspergers syndrome was talked about when i was around 14-17. but now i'm uninsured and too broke to avoid therapy or medication or whatever it is may need for a <i>proper</i> diagnosis. so i was wondering if anyone could take a basic shot at helping me out to finding out whats wrong with me?

some 'symptons' i have are...

• i constantly feel out of place,
• i constantly feel the decisions i'm making are the wrong ones, i constantly feel that i have no potential and no means of securing potential to achieve anything in life,
• i have constant thoughts of suicide (i'd say that i think about suicide about once an hour, and consider suicide about twice a day while i've only attempted one time intentionally and another time was a cry for help situation in my teens)
• i generally only sleep about 5 hours a night and out of seven days i think i only really reach rem sleep maybe four.
• i constantly question the motives of everyone around me
• i have an inability to make friends because i am both socially awkward and as forementioned constantly questioning peoples motives
• as this lack of social skills developed (first when i was 6 which was probably a result of depression due to my parents divorce and then again around 15) i resorted to isolationism. i would lock myself in my room for anywhere between just a few hours a day to as much as 10 days without leaving my bed.
• i dont really <i>feel</i> anything to an exceptional degree. i know that, for example, my nephew died i know i would feel sad and i know that if got a raise at work i would feel happy but i don't they would be and in the past never have been severe degrees of emotion.
• the only way i can express myself is through artistic expression. i write songs, plays, novels, journals, paint paintings, etc which i then guard as though they were jewels. i let no one see them.
• i see myself as inferior and when given the oppurtunity i put the successes of others before myself.
• the sound of whispering makes me nauseous. i believe this is because i instinctively feel the whispering pertains to me.
• i find it hard to make decisions due to the small circumstances of every situation. what if this happens, what if that happens, etc.
• i constantly lie to people
• i constantlly steal (not out of necessity, and not for any specific purpose. just cause)
• as a child i wsnt physically abused but i was very very emotionally abused by my father when he had custody and neglected from about age 6 to 16 by my mother when she had custody
• this is a recent development. in the past few months if something occurs in an absurd or surreal fashion i begin to question the reality of it. for example, i went to the movies with my friend paul. i arrived on time but my friend wasn't there yet. i started thinking about the topic and was eventually convinced that i didn't even have a friend paul, that rent wasn't showing at the theatre i was at and i was 15 miles from home for no reason at all. i considered killing myself to end the surrealism. this lasted until paul showed up.
• also, i've been hearing voices and noises in my house to the extent that i now have knives in several rooms in case i have to attack anyone.
• on the voices topic, when i was younger, after my aunts death i would hear her voice before doing things correctly but if i didn't hear her voice i knew i would fail at whatever it was i was trying.

i konw this was a very long post and i know this is no ones obligation but a paid therapist to help me figure out my situation but if anyone wants to take a shot i'd be more than happy.

if you have any questions or want to know anything else about like, family history or something, you can ask and ill let you know.

thanks.

dan.

ps: i hope you don't mind this whole thing being in lowercase, but i think capital letters are disgustingly ugly.

 

[confused]

i dont how to edit but i thought i should mention two things.

when i was six i was molested by a 14 year old boy which led to rampant sexualization between first and seventh grades with ten sexual partners both male and female in those years. since then i've been celibate because i disapprove of these earlier, carnal practices.

also, the light drug use i mentioned but never elaborated on wasn't any psychadelic or hallucenogenic drug. it was mostly just over use of over the counter ampethamines and that started in june of 2007 and ended in late august of 2008

 

[Dollit]

I do appreciate that you need to have a definitive diagnosis but no one on here would attempt a diagnosis even if they were qualified to do so. Diagnosis has to be made by a qualified practitioner in a face to face consultation.

If you want to have feedback in a general way then by all means join in on the boards and talk to people but that's the extent of the forum - we support and listen and we are good at that.

 

[Twylight]

I'm not qualified, but I have a friend with similar symptoms

He has paranoia and depression and takes medication for it.

 

[mikebrowne]

i dont how to edit but i thought i should mention two things.

when i was six i was molested by a 14 year old boy which led to rampant sexualization between first and seventh grades with ten sexual partners both male and female in those years. since then i've been celibate because i disapprove of these earlier, carnal practices.

also, the light drug use i mentioned but never elaborated on wasn't any psychadelic or hallucenogenic drug. it was mostly just over use of over the counter ampethamines and that started in june of 2007 and ended in late august of 2008

hi dan
i am not going to use capitals because i know you find them disgustingly ugly.
i am not surprised you are very mixed up and confused. if you were molested at the age of six.
can i ask you do you have any psychiatric imput? also what ampethamines were you able to buy over the counter? is there not any control on this sort of medication?
you said you have been celibate because you disapprove of earlier carna; practices, is this your way of trying to make a new beginning?
you have a lot going on inside you and it is manifesting in strange behaviour. it would be great if you could get really good help and support and be in a place of recovery.
a fourteen year old boy taking advantage of you at the age of six is bad but i am reminded that he too was a minor and i wonder who was or did likewise to him?
we live in a wicked world.
have you not spoken to your parents about this or is the pain and shame to great?
take care of yourself

 

[Sall1]

Hello

Hi Dan,

I was reading through people's blogs and came across yours. I was intrigued straight away.

I believe that Dollitt makes a fair point that if it's a diagnosis you're looking then you really do need to see your G.P. You need a professional to diagnose and treat if necessary.

Anyway that's one thing. Based of what i've read I want to first of all say thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts with us here on the forum. You really do sound as though you've been through an awful lot up to this point in your life with your mental and emotional health, stemming back from young childhood.

I can appreicate that you do seem to be seeking answers right now and one of the ways in which you are doing this, is to seek a firm diagnosis of your condition(s). It sounds as though there have been some very haphazard labels been thrown around you when you were younger, leaving you not really sure about what was wrong at that point in your life. I wonder if this is contributing to some anxiety about what might be wrong now?? I'm guessing that this was a very troubled time for you on top of the usual growing up/puberty that we all will have gone through or perhaps may still be going through if there are younger ones out there! It must have been very difficult.

From how you came across to me in your blog - it might be really useful for you to speak to your G.P about what it was that you were or were not diagnosed with when you were younger. If nothing else you will at least seek some clarity on this. I personally feel that labels and diagnosis do have their place in terms of clarity and treatment, but it can also consume people - so please be careful with this one. Having said this if there is something wrong you do have a right to know what it is - see the GP please - don't be worried (I know that's a very easy thing to say rather than to do).

Regarding the light drug use, stealing, lies etc - do you have any thoughts about this? What do you think is causing this? My guess is that you feel invisible sometimes and want to numb down painful thoughts/feelings?? or it could be the opposite in that you're pushing your own boundaries as if trying to prove something to yourself or to others?? I could be wrong though. What are your thoughts?

What does worry me more than anything is that you mentioned suicidal thoughts and recent attempts. Were you seen by medics or is this the first time you've mentioned this to anyone? I'm glad that you can externalise it by telling us however, I also think that this doesn't sound as though it's going away - you need to seek help (you guessed it - see the GP like tomorrow). Make an emergency appointment. Trust me, i've been there myself with recent attempts and having a professional to confide in has helped me out. I wouldn't say that I no longer feel this way as I would be lying to you but it has helped. It isn't easy approaching the subject but it's very important that you do. If you need a friend - Could Paul go with you?

Your confidence and self esteem sounds low not surprising really. These things can be addressed. It does sound as though services/people have let you down in the past, it doesn't mean to say it'll happen again. Be brave, seek help please.

Check out: http://www.ntw.nhs.uk/pic/?p=selfhelp

or type in Northumberland, Tyne and wear NHS Trust self help leaflets.

Here you should find some self help leaflets on conditions such as:

1) depression and low mood
2) Sleep problems
3) Social Anxiety etc

They might be useful for you to have a read through. Don't use them to self-diagnose though - they might simply be useful for reference purposes and to take along with you to the GP.


well Dan, I think this is all that I can offer you right now. I hope that you will be ok and I do wish you well. Speak to me anytime ok.

Look after you and keep safe

Sal