- Mar 28, 2019
- Oklahoma, USA
I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I sabotage myself constantly and I don't know how to stop myself. I see the behavior coming from a mile away, but still I do it. I try and stop myself, try to 'reason' with myself, but I can't stop myself. I'm unemployed because I quit my job for no reason, I only put in applications to a couple places and never even attempted to follow up yet. I was clean of cannabis in my system until I smoked a couple of days ago so now I can't pass a drug test. I see all of these behaviors that i want so bad to change but I just feel powerless to. I feel trapped in my own body, trapped in a cycle that I hate and want to break but I just can't. I can't seek "professional help" because I don't have insurance or a job, and when I came forward once about my depression and how suicidal and miserable I was, I was put into a mental institution. I just feel trapped, I feel stuck, and I feel like I'm fighting myself daily and losing daily. If anyone has any advice, please tell me, I'm open to suggestions.