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i dont know whats wrong with me-rambling

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orangecup

Member
Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
10
Location
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i cant get help because i dont know who i am or what im experiencing i cant put it into words that sound corrct. and i m told in ,my head not to get help because m okahy andr because im too scared to talk to people. i know i need hepl and im waiting for someone to notice that im not okay but it hasnt happened an it probably never will.
my ocd has a fuckig disgusting obsession with having other mental illnesses and if uckig hate it i hate i so much but i cant stop myself and ts awful i dont know how to stop it. i can never tell if im having symptoms of another mental illness or if my ocd is just screwing with me and i fucking hate it i hate it so fucking mcuh. i dont know if m actually okay or not because ocd keeps on messing wiht me. and i dotn even know if whatever is messing with me is ocd. im in such a bad place mentally but im always masking it but i know i shouldnt but help is scary other people are scary i dont want to talk with them.
i feel like im a terrible person and imn faking everything and i believe it and i hate it im i know im not but maybe i am>? i hate this
im not always like this these are attcks tha happen randomly or can be triggered , and it goes on for excruciating hours. usually i can poke fun at my illnesses to help me feel better but what im havin an attack its impossible.
as im writing this all i can think is "im fakin this" "im ok" "i dont have anything" "im alright" "im lying about this" "i should leave it alone"ad they dont fucking shut up
they tell mye its hopeless to ask for help i hate it i fucking hate it im shakign im unstable i cant type i cant do anything right but if i actually do have something i m gonna be shut out from the world and i wont be allowed to do anything or live normaly ad then ill jhave to live in pain and suffering ,. thry tell me that, they tell me if i get help then i wont be treated like aperson and it scares me and i tmakes me not wanna get help.
they tell me not to get medication becase i wont be happy but i know i will i know i can be better but they tell me this is as good as it gets and if i get meds i wont be happy again, and i believe them every single time they tell me. im hesitant to even post this because they say i dont want help.
im jst rambling everything i think, and i dont even know if im gonna be able to get help becuase i dont know if im even telling the truth. thank u for readig i just needed to get this out of my system
 
megirl

megirl

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
7,260
Location
NZ
Hi and welcome,
Sorry to hear your struggles
Its great you have reached out,
There's nothing to be ashamed of, and yes you need help and you deserve to lead a happy and contented life.
Doctors are trained in physical and mental health its there job to help us.
Have you been to a doctor or therapist
If not it would be a good idea and possibly get referred to a psychiatrist.
I can sense your distress in your words, you have reached out to us which is great,
You will get others support, here on the forum,
 
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orangecup

Member
Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
10
Location
.
Hi and welcome,
Sorry to hear your struggles
Its great you have reached out,
There's nothing to be ashamed of, and yes you need help and you deserve to lead a happy and contented life.
Doctors are trained in physical and mental health its there job to help us.
Have you been to a doctor or therapist
If not it would be a good idea and possibly get referred to a psychiatrist.
I can sense your distress in your words, you have reached out to us which is great,
You will get others support, here on the forum,
Thank you for the reply, I've been alright and back to my normal self for the past few days. I've been able to fight off the bad thoughts, telling myself that I deserve happiness and to be okay, as well as distracting myself from negativity and surrounding myself with things I enjoy, which has been helping me greatly. I used to go to therapy before this issue started, but I stopped going because at the time I didn't feel I had anything to talk about anymore. I may consider going back, though. Again, thanks so much for the reply! :)
 
megirl

megirl

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
7,260
Location
NZ
Its great you are feeling a little brighter.
Sometimes it does help to revisit therapy during our recovery,but I think when you are ready
Distraction is good as long as it's positive.
Are you looking after yourself ok,
eating well, sleeping, doing some activities you enjoy, not putting too much pressure on yourself
 
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orangecup

Member
Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
10
Location
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Thank you for your concerns, Megirl. Therapy sounds like a good idea, but asking to go is difficult. The thought of what I'll talk about, and that I have to talk is scary to me. I try my best to look after myself, making sure I'm in positive envirenments, positive friendships, and having a positive attitude towards myself and others. My appetite has been lacking, I haven't been feeling hungry a whole lot these past few days or I won't be in the mood to eat, though I do eat at least a snack and dinner. Sleep has never been my best friend, I'll sleep too much or too little, but I do function well energy wise. I have lots of free time (most of the time) which gives me time to do the things I enjoy like drawing or talking to my friends. The only pressure I ever have is to be the best at drawing or to appear strong to others, but I do try to keep my pressure levels low.
 
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