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I don't know what's wrong with me please help!

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Annon90

New member
Joined
Feb 14, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Merseyside
My world is crashing down at the fastest pace possible and I am crippled with the guilt and anxiety. I have never spoken to anyone about this I dont know how and it scares me to say it out loud.
Here is my story:

Im 31 years old, i have 2 children a 6 year old and a 6 month old.
This whole thing started when my mum was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in May 2017. My world felt like it had ended. She was given just 6 months to live, she got sick very quickly and died in the august not even 10 weeks later. I spent every waking hour in the hospitals, hospices everything just trying to spent as much time with her, caring for her and making sure she knew how much she is loved. When it come to the end, she suffered the most horrific painful death anyone will ever witness due to the fault of the stupid hospital staff not giving her the correct level of pain medication. She screamed in agony for hours on end. I still hear the screams and see her suffering everytime I close my eyes. Then she died and my heart was forever shattered.
This is when my behaviour changed, i changed.
I became withdrawn, I didnt talk to anyone about my feelings, i was angry, i stopped looking after myself, refused to speak to people and ended up drinking a large amount of alcohol every day. I went to my GP to try and get help but all her would provide me (even though i pleaded with him) was antidepressants which had no effect. Then i developed something else, the urge to steal. It started with my dad, 1 month after the death of my mum, i started getting credit cards in his name, loans, bank accounts all for money that I spent on online slots. Ive never had an issue with gambling before. I knew it was wrong and the guilt was killing me but I couldnt help myself. I had every intention of paying it all back but it never happened. I had a good job at the time, one I had had for years but ended up losing it due to a mental breakdown, i simply couldnt function and do my job anymore and ended up resigning to which they let me do.
My dad found out and i lost my relationship with him, which broke my heart even further but i didnt blame him deep down. I tried to repay some of the money but then i had no income so was unable to keep it up. The numbness of my mums death carried on.
Then 2018 came and my gorgeous grandad got sick (my mums dad), he died in april 2018 of pneumonia. The urge to steal immediately came back but this time the victim was my nan. I got mobile phones in her name and ordered stuff from catalogues, which I sold, I gambled it away, bought alcohol or cigarettes. I never had anything to show for it. This urge went on for about 3 months. I then felt ever worse because my nan is amazing. Love her to absolute death, i spent my childhood in her home all the time. Shes the best but i couldnt bring myself to admit anything. Then i had the breakdown of my relationship with my partner. He didnt recognise who I was anymore. My refusal to even have a conversation with him, go out, or even give myself a shower led him to leave me. He tried for months on end to try and help me but i wouldnt / couldnt talk. He had no idea what I had been doing but i so desperately wanted to tell him, seek help.
I somehow got through 2018, i dont remember much from it or could tell you anything that happened apart from my grandad dying. The year was filled with sadness and numbness. January 2019, I found out i was just over 3 months pregnant. I prayed this was my chance to change, stop the drinking, stop the smoking, stop everything. I felt like it was a gift sent from the universe to help me.
The drinking stopped, i felt a little bit happier but I continued to smoke.
I had my son in july 2019. Healthy and beautiful. The joy overwhelmed me and i wouldnt let him ever leave my side. Just after my son was born, we got the news my auntie was diagnosed with terminal cancer and had weeks to live. The same feeling of darkness and sickness from anxiety came over me again. I had the urge to steal again, this time it was worse than ever. I stole my nans post office card and withdrew everything in there she had around £3000 in total possibly more. Again spent it on gambling, alcohol and ciggarettes. Ide even spend my own money from benefits leaving myself without a penny for even gas and electric. Then when that source of money ran out i attacked her bank account and done the same thing. It absolutely broke my heart that I done this to her because she is my world and i love her so much. Not only this i stole items from her home and sold them just so i could buy food for my kids. I never stole this money with the intention of never giving it back. I initially took a little bit stupidly thinking i could gamble, win and put it back no one will ever know but it got bigger and bigger to a point there was no recovery. I then wanted to kill myself, everytime i was about to do it my children somehow stopped me it was like they knew. Whether it was my 6 year old telling me im the best mum in the world or my 6 month old stroking my face and smiling. I then stopped being able to eat anything, I cant remember the last time i had a meal, i was consuming lots of alcohol and cried myself to sleep every single night. Praying for a solution but I still couldnt bring myself to tell anyone at all, even when my family were looking into nans finances. I just went along with sharad. I tried to get nans money back by stealing from someone else, i got a credit card in a cousins name hoping to try and somehow pay it back to nan but this never happened. I spent £1000 in an hour gambling and soon lost every penny.
It got to december, i didnt even want christmas to be in my house or even happen, i didnt put any christmas decorations up nothing. Even though my 6 year old begged me to put up the tree.
Then my nan (who i had been stealing from) started falling at home and having dalrium episodes due to recurrent water infections. She was constantly confused and we had no explanation as to why. She was an absolute danger to herself. Myself and my aunty cared for her more than 12 hours a day alone this went on for weeks. Still i was suffering in silence. I was like a zombie, crying at any opportunity I had when i was alone. At this point because i spent every waking hour in my nans house looking after her, my own home was completely neglected. It was filthy. I had no desire to clean it at all. Not to mention i hadnt showered, brushed my hair or changed my clothes for days on end.
I seem to have this impulse to destroy anything I have good in my life. I have this urge to punish myself and i dont know what for or why i am behaving in this horrific way. My mum would be so shamed of me and its killing me.
It would be so nice just to not wake up in the morning!
The worst of all this is I was genuinely a loving and caring person. I would literally do anything for anyone. I still am somewhere inside of me. I just dont know who this person is I have become. It sickens me and i feel utterly shamed of myself.
I fully intend to go to the police admit everything i have done but this has given me even more dread and anxiety. I feel sick at thought of losing my children. Ide literally have nothing left in my life if i was separated from them. There hasnt bee one day since they were both born that i havent been with them.
 
A

Annon90

New member
Joined
Feb 14, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Merseyside
My family know everything I have done now and I have lost them. Devastated to lose them but I actually dont blame them. Ide have killed someone if the shoe was on the other foot. I just absolutely adore them especially since my mother died. My aunty is heart broken from what ive done and she was like my mum, we have always been so close. She has a beautiful family who i adore. Ive lost everything and now i dont know what to do. I know I deserve everything bad coming my way I just dont know how to fix myself. I dont trust myself. I hate myself for what ive done. Ive hurt every single person i love the most and for what?
I dont own anything of any value, i wear the same clothes all the time, i have the bare minimum things in my house.
I just dont know why I do this or feel the way I do. I miss the person i used to be.
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 19, 2019
Messages
5,456
Location
UK
Hello Annon,

I think you desperately need some professional help.

It is very common for people to get addicted to shopping following a bereavement because it gives us a brief high. The compulsion to spend was so strong with you that your means of acquiring money lost all morality.

If I was you, I would write to family members and explain this is not who you are and that you need support getting stable and under control again.

You've suffered a great deal of loss and sadness. Spending and drinking just give temporary ease or mood lifts but long-term you need to be able to work through your emotions with a professional.

You are still the lovely, caring person you have always been but compulsive behaviour will continue to erode your relationships and happiness if you don't seek help.


Big hug and sending lots of love. xxx
 
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Annon90

New member
Joined
Feb 14, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Merseyside
This is the problem. Before i completely spiralled out of control i begged my GP for help. All her offered me was antidepressants. I took them for 3 months they didnt work, he then advised me to take them for a further 3 months they still had no effect. He was only able to make referrals for psychiatrist approvals if there was a danger to life because his budget didnt permit it otherwise.
I was never able to afford privately the costs so im still stuck in the vicious cycle with nowhere to turn.
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
46,320
Location
Lancashire
This is quite a terrible story and you have lost so much in such a short time. I can't believe they left your mother without adequate pain relief. That must have been horrendous to work through. There is a gambling organisation like AA but I don't know what its called. Its free and you can get some help from them. This compulsion is powerful and as Lunar Lady says, it gives a high briefly and then its back to square one. You could go along to AA for your drinking and mention there about your gambling addiction which comes under the same 12 steps to recovery. Its worth a thought.
 
Linda1989

Linda1989

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 12, 2016
Messages
338
Location
PA
Yeah im very depress too i go gamble everytime i get my hands on money. Its seem like your going through a lot but you should be happy you have 2 beautiful kids who adore you. Your lucky to take care of kids and yourself on your own. Your lucky to have intimate relationship with someone because I never had serious boyfriend. Its good you and your aunt use to be close my aunts dont give a shit about me. Im sorry you lost your mom but aleast you dont need her for support like I do like driving me places helping me shop for clothes, if my mother dies ill probably be living in a group home for mental patients. You dont realize how lucky you have it.
 
M

MinnieMoo

Active member
Joined
Dec 4, 2019
Messages
44
Location
Preston
You really are in a bad way :-( is it too late to put in a complaint about your mums treatment? Perhaps there is a counsellor that can help you with the grief and these other issues. Please get yourself help ASAP, see your GP, try a helpline who can give you advice.
You need to do this for yourself and your kids. Things can get better if you work on it, once you are feeling better you can prove to your family they can trust you again x
 
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