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I don't know what's wrong with me and I'm scared

J

jodiddly

Member
Joined
May 2, 2020
Messages
8
Location
USA
I’m 19 and a college student, and my mind is out of control.

I know I’m depressed. I find it hard to get out of bed and motivate myself. I cry a lot. I hate myself as a person, my personality, how I look. I have anxiety a lot too and I have self harmed

But I also can’t control my thoughts. I feel like my mind is out of control. I see mental images of me breaking down and becoming psychotic even though I am not currently psychotic. I am afraid that I will one day go insane without knowing.

Sometimes I think I see things moving but they aren’t.

I feel like I am on autopilot a lot of the time.

I can’t read people and I don’t know if they like me. But I’m very clingy and desperate for people to like me because I can’t handle being alone. The loneliness makes me suicidal.

I hit myself in the head when I’m upset and I don’t know why. I make so many mistakes. I don’t feel like I’m coherent at all right now and I’m sorry but I am desperate because I don’t know why I’m like this.
 
Lance__

Lance__

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2019
Messages
327
Location
Spain
Hi jodiddly, I'm sorry you are suffering too much :hug: you said you are in college, sometimes they have a counseling service included there, I would strongly recommend you to see a therapist to help you with everything you are dealing with right now.
I feel like I am on autopilot a lot of the time.
That seem a lot like depersonalization, I can relate to it, is like seeing everything as if I am two metres behing of myself. It can be a very unpleasant experience.
From my experience in the past I know that sometimes when the stress and anxiety is very very high it can lead to short psychotic episodes like you described. I saw images of myself starting screaming in the middle of a class, but it never happened, they were only in my mind). I don't think you are insane, just having a very difficult and extremely stressful time. But I strongly recommend you to seek a therapist. It seems you have a lot of self-hartred inside. But you deserve inner peace, and to love yourself.

Use this forum to express yourself and to express how you are feeling, you will meet many people willing to help and listen to you. There is also a journaling sub-forum here that may be useful. You are not alone.
Take care
:grouphug:
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
936
I’m 19 and a college student, and my mind is out of control.

I know I’m depressed. I find it hard to get out of bed and motivate myself. I cry a lot. I hate myself as a person, my personality, how I look. I have anxiety a lot too and I have self harmed

But I also can’t control my thoughts. I feel like my mind is out of control. I see mental images of me breaking down and becoming psychotic even though I am not currently psychotic. I am afraid that I will one day go insane without knowing.

Sometimes I think I see things moving but they aren’t.

I feel like I am on autopilot a lot of the time.

I can’t read people and I don’t know if they like me. But I’m very clingy and desperate for people to like me because I can’t handle being alone. The loneliness makes me suicidal.

I hit myself in the head when I’m upset and I don’t know why. I make so many mistakes. I don’t feel like I’m coherent at all right now and I’m sorry but I am desperate because I don’t know why I’m like this.
i think you should probably make an appt with a psychiatrist or therapist....they can find meds that will help you
 
R

RedYeti

Well-known member
Joined
May 14, 2020
Messages
119
Location
UK
I’m 19 and a college student, and my mind is out of control.

I know I’m depressed. I find it hard to get out of bed and motivate myself. I cry a lot. I hate myself as a person, my personality, how I look. I have anxiety a lot too and I have self harmed

But I also can’t control my thoughts. I feel like my mind is out of control. I see mental images of me breaking down and becoming psychotic even though I am not currently psychotic. I am afraid that I will one day go insane without knowing.

Sometimes I think I see things moving but they aren’t.

I feel like I am on autopilot a lot of the time.

I can’t read people and I don’t know if they like me. But I’m very clingy and desperate for people to like me because I can’t handle being alone. The loneliness makes me suicidal.

I hit myself in the head when I’m upset and I don’t know why. I make so many mistakes. I don’t feel like I’m coherent at all right now and I’m sorry but I am desperate because I don’t know why I’m like this.
Oh man, I just welled up reading this man. This is really similar to my situation. I’m also a uni student (for 2 more weeks) and quite young (22). This past year or so has been tough, very depressed and high anxiety.
I’ve been to some dark places which I don’t want to go to again.
I know what it’s like to feel lost in your own head it can be exhausting. I got to the point where I just felt like a shell of a person. I was trapped by my anxiety and just hating myself. I was frustrated with it all making it worse.
I’ve missed so much being on “autopilot” this past year kind of slipped by

I also find it hard to read people, it’s especially hard when you’re a young person. People expect you to be forward and energetic.

I hope you know that there’s no one harder on you than yourself and that there’s people out there that care and understand

You’ve got absolutely nothing to be sorry about, it’s not your fault.
I will say you’ve done the right thing talking about it, personally talking about my problems on here has really helped.

When I was really low I reached out to student support at my uni, who directed me to mental health support and I’ve been seeing a counsellor and now I’m headed in a good direction. I’d really advise this if it’s an option.

Much Love ❤ Hope some of this helps
 
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