I dont know whats wrong but its getting serious

[Brown]

hello I am 18 1/2 year old male, i am a musician and have been running a music production company since i was 13 or so. I have never really ever felt normal, growing up i was always aggressive and was always kind of hostile towards adults . I use to take these crazy fits and would act very aggressive verbally and sometimes even physically towards my parents. They use to think I was on drugs before I even started drinking. to sum it up, I have always had relationship problems with anger. but for some reason I think this is worse then an anger problem.

I began smoking pot at a young age everyday, I would get extremely scared and just have these awful trips, but I would get voices in my head to smoke weed....so I could experience these evil trips, I would sit in my room alone get stoned and I would hear voices very disturbing voices, i dont know how explain it....almost like it was telling me i am disgusting and I should do evil things....that i was evil, butthen and would hear voices even when i wasn't stoned. i dont know. I still smoke weed about every day and I dont really have these extreme fears anymore. I have been depressed for several years from extream depression and paranoia when I was about 15 or 16 to attempting suicide about one week ago, these last few years have been hell for me. I have great determination and work efforts but I cannot hold a job outside of my business or a healthy relationship, I really dont know what to even write about. My life feels really messed up, I dont think I could ever hurt anyone but I have serious mental battles with myself that sometimes go on for hours on end, I cant sleep I cant really do anything, I have became a shut in, I rarely go out with freinds or try to attempt to find a girlfriend. I just sit in my basement alone smoke weed and make music, i feel like music is the only thing that lets me escape from it all. smoking weed really dosent do anything for me anymore, but if i go without it i feel extremely depressed or even suicidal, i dont know it keeps me in a positive mind state but sometimes it makes it worse... i dont know if i have inner demons or what is going on. i seen mental doctors but I feel like i lied when he asked me if i heard voices or if I ever felt evil i really dont know what to think of it. I thought i was schizophrenic but I really dont think that anymore, I have potential and I have drive to do things and be productive in society, i can communicate with another human being on a intelligent level and a sociable level for that matter, but at the same time i feel like i am isolated from society I really dont know what I am going to do, when I attempted suicide I was arrested and taken to a mental hospital where I escaped then captured and taken to jail until the following morning where i was taken by ambulance to a hospital where i was assessed and released. I have an appointment with a physicist tomorrow, i am looking forward and I hope it will give me some of the answers I am looking for I really want to get over this mental illness and try and have a happy productive life with a loving relationship with another human being. I dont know if these voices are just myself tripping myself out because sometimes I think thats what I do but other times it feels so real i cannot stop it, I really get disturbing thoughts and images implanted in my mind. i often find myself hearing voices when i am out with freinds, like people are out to get me and i can hear their thoughts...its really scary sometimes.....i like being sociable but i feel like i cant relate to people....other times i feel normal , I know this message is really scattered and all over the place but I dont know how else to explain myself, i am just writting what comes to my mind,,as if i was talking to someone about it........i want to get help and I want to try and live normally thats all i want, i want to live without the rage attacks, depression, voices and weird things that i do, i do some pretty bizarre stuff that i dont know why I do it i dont sleep much anymore and I dont do anything, i feel like im becoming traped in my mind and Its getting worse. i thought about killing myself before but never really tried it until last week....i just got in this state of mind started distorying stuff and then eventually broke down and started crying and laid on the basement floor hearing these voices. it is 7:30 in the morning and i haven't slept much within the last week..........i am going crazy,, i dont know what to do but to accept it and go with it. ..,. . .

 

[Apotheosis]

Hi Brown; & to the site

Some of your descriptions reminded me of some of my experiences. I used to smoke a lot of Cannabis. Have you tried stopping smoking it? I would wager that a lot of how you feel is exasperated by it. Weed can be very powerful for certain types of people especially. When I smoked weed; I would go very much within my own mind; & try to work everything out in my head; I believed that the answers were in my head. Over 7 years off the weed; & I no longer think in the same ways. I tend to ignore a lot of my head; reality is not in there. There is no way I could function if I was to start smoking it again - I would be incapacitated after a day. I did get diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia & was given a lot of meds over the years. Meds are a two way thing with me. I have managed to get to a low dose. In the past I haven't been able to manage when I have stopped them. Although I would love to be off them. It is possible that some kind of med may help you with things. Do you have an understanding GP or health professional that you could chat to; or a friend you can discuss all this with?

Sorry If I asked any questions; that you may have already answered in your post; I have just awoken & my concentration is fuzzy for a few hours after waking.

Chatting on here will certainly do no harm. I hope that things can work out for you.

 

[Apotheosis]

I have re-read your post & see that you have an appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow. I hope that it goes well. Some people suggest that printing out your post & taking it along would be a good idea. I often write a list of things I want to discuss when I go to appointments; whether with the psychiatrist or the GP. When I was your age I was very reluctant to talk openly with health professionals. These days I speak my mind with them. Let us know how you get on.

 

[Brown]

what I am afraid of is taking meds, I have been put on different ones like lorazapam and celeixa(i am not sure how to spell it) I probably should stop smoking weed. I have been smoking every day for about 3 or 4 years now. I have went days even weeks without smoking any but recently I cannot cope without it. I am going to try, I have experimented with other drugs like E and acid, at one point I made myself believe that E cured my depression, and that the cerebellum that wants being released got released once I took the E and would start releasing it naturally, thats the reason I took it the first time. I was 16 and had taken acid for the first time the night before where I experienced the worst trip I have ever experienced in my life. It was horrifying. I haven't taken it since and I am almost 19 now. I think drugs may have a major impact on my condition, I recently started takening E again but haven't done it for about a month now, I tend to keep it that way.

for some reason i dont find pot to blame. however it very well could be, I dont think it causes the voices in my head but possibly brings them out even more? I find I can rationalize better when high, the voices dont seem to bother me, i simply go into a state of mind where i am focused on something I am trying to focus on whether it be writing a song or cleaning the house. at the same time, things like work and education fall second. I cannot complete these things, I promote concerts and and able to be in touch with business connections but I do not make much profit off of it, atleast not yet. I still haven't graduated high school. I dropped out last year the year I was suppose to graduate because I felt like people where plotting against me and that I was a burden within the school. I have managed to take courses through correspondents, but the pot has been making me unfocused....but if I dont smoke it, i get very tense and i am afraid if i dont have a joint near by the next time I take a panic attack or what ever they are I will snap and either kill someone or kill myself...........its a way of calming myself down but it clouds my judgement and makes me unfocused in the world around me? i dont know this is why i smoke though, i think anyway

 

[Apotheosis]

what I am afraid of is taking meds, I have been put on different ones like lorazapam and celeixa(i am not sure how to spell it) I probably should stop smoking weed. I have been smoking every day for about 3 or 4 years now. I have went days even weeks without smoking any but recently I cannot cope without it. I am going to try, I have experimented with other drugs like E and acid, at one point I made myself believe that E cured my depression, and that the cerebellum that wants being released got released once I took the E and would start releasing it naturally, thats the reason I took it the first time. I was 16 and had taken acid for the first time the night before where I experienced the worst trip I have ever experienced in my life. It was horrifying. I haven't taken it since and I am almost 19 now. I think drugs may have a major impact on my condition, I recently started takening E again but haven't done it for about a month now, I tend to keep it that way.

I took a lot of E's in the past; & all sorts of other drugs. I think that E's caused a lot of problems. The difficulty is not so much the effects of drugs when I was on them. I loved some of my drug experiences; & had very few bad drug experiences. The problem is the consequences. It is impossible to separate out direct drug effects from the after effects. For anyone with mental health issues - drugs are not conducive to improving mental health. A large reason for starting & using drugs was that; drugs took away the pain to a degree; they helped with mental & emotional pain; or so it seemed. But the longer I went down that path; the more I realised that they actually made it all worse.

Some people are able to not be affected too badly by drugs; we all react differently to them. I reacted very badly to them; drugs did exasperate psychosis; some days I think that they may have been the sole cause to my psychosis.

I don't like taking meds. I have a very dim view of them. Of what I have found most benefit over the years; has been Reiki, NA, practical assistance in finding secure accommodation; & more recently; finally being given proper psychological help through a trained psychologist. It has helped a lot to find understanding people to chat with. Having my own space; a nice flat, has helped me enormously.

The psychiatric system is changing in acknowledging the need for multi faceted approaches; instead of sole reliance on meds.

....but if I dont smoke it, i get very tense and i am afraid if i dont have a joint near by the next time I take a panic attack or what ever they are I will snap and either kill someone or kill myself...........its a way of calming myself down but it clouds my judgement and makes me unfocused in the world around me? i dont know this is why i smoke though, i think anyway

Dependency is incredibly hard to break. AT 17 I was sitting on a secure ward; having being told I had a drug induced psychosis & really not wanting to take drugs any more. It took another 11 years to finally make an effort large enough to stop them. I don't think that drugs are all good, or all bad. I simply reached a stage of wanting more than anything else to get off them.