B
Brown
New member
- Joined
- Feb 8, 2009
- Messages
- 2
hello I am 18 1/2 year old male, i am a musician and have been running a music production company since i was 13 or so. I have never really ever felt normal, growing up i was always aggressive and was always kind of hostile towards adults . I use to take these crazy fits and would act very aggressive verbally and sometimes even physically towards my parents. They use to think I was on drugs before I even started drinking. to sum it up, I have always had relationship problems with anger. but for some reason I think this is worse then an anger problem.
I began smoking pot at a young age everyday, I would get extremely scared and just have these awful trips, but I would get voices in my head to smoke weed....so I could experience these evil trips, I would sit in my room alone get stoned and I would hear voices very disturbing voices, i dont know how explain it....almost like it was telling me i am disgusting and I should do evil things....that i was evil, butthen and would hear voices even when i wasn't stoned. i dont know. I still smoke weed about every day and I dont really have these extreme fears anymore. I have been depressed for several years from extream depression and paranoia when I was about 15 or 16 to attempting suicide about one week ago, these last few years have been hell for me. I have great determination and work efforts but I cannot hold a job outside of my business or a healthy relationship, I really dont know what to even write about. My life feels really messed up, I dont think I could ever hurt anyone but I have serious mental battles with myself that sometimes go on for hours on end, I cant sleep I cant really do anything, I have became a shut in, I rarely go out with freinds or try to attempt to find a girlfriend. I just sit in my basement alone smoke weed and make music, i feel like music is the only thing that lets me escape from it all. smoking weed really dosent do anything for me anymore, but if i go without it i feel extremely depressed or even suicidal, i dont know it keeps me in a positive mind state but sometimes it makes it worse... i dont know if i have inner demons or what is going on. i seen mental doctors but I feel like i lied when he asked me if i heard voices or if I ever felt evil i really dont know what to think of it. I thought i was schizophrenic but I really dont think that anymore, I have potential and I have drive to do things and be productive in society, i can communicate with another human being on a intelligent level and a sociable level for that matter, but at the same time i feel like i am isolated from society I really dont know what I am going to do, when I attempted suicide I was arrested and taken to a mental hospital where I escaped then captured and taken to jail until the following morning where i was taken by ambulance to a hospital where i was assessed and released. I have an appointment with a physicist tomorrow, i am looking forward and I hope it will give me some of the answers I am looking for I really want to get over this mental illness and try and have a happy productive life with a loving relationship with another human being. I dont know if these voices are just myself tripping myself out because sometimes I think thats what I do but other times it feels so real i cannot stop it, I really get disturbing thoughts and images implanted in my mind. i often find myself hearing voices when i am out with freinds, like people are out to get me and i can hear their thoughts...its really scary sometimes.....i like being sociable but i feel like i cant relate to people....other times i feel normal , I know this message is really scattered and all over the place but I dont know how else to explain myself, i am just writting what comes to my mind,,as if i was talking to someone about it........i want to get help and I want to try and live normally thats all i want, i want to live without the rage attacks, depression, voices and weird things that i do, i do some pretty bizarre stuff that i dont know why I do it i dont sleep much anymore and I dont do anything, i feel like im becoming traped in my mind and Its getting worse. i thought about killing myself before but never really tried it until last week....i just got in this state of mind started distorying stuff and then eventually broke down and started crying and laid on the basement floor hearing these voices. it is 7:30 in the morning and i haven't slept much within the last week..........i am going crazy,, i dont know what to do but to accept it and go with it. ..,. . .
I began smoking pot at a young age everyday, I would get extremely scared and just have these awful trips, but I would get voices in my head to smoke weed....so I could experience these evil trips, I would sit in my room alone get stoned and I would hear voices very disturbing voices, i dont know how explain it....almost like it was telling me i am disgusting and I should do evil things....that i was evil, butthen and would hear voices even when i wasn't stoned. i dont know. I still smoke weed about every day and I dont really have these extreme fears anymore. I have been depressed for several years from extream depression and paranoia when I was about 15 or 16 to attempting suicide about one week ago, these last few years have been hell for me. I have great determination and work efforts but I cannot hold a job outside of my business or a healthy relationship, I really dont know what to even write about. My life feels really messed up, I dont think I could ever hurt anyone but I have serious mental battles with myself that sometimes go on for hours on end, I cant sleep I cant really do anything, I have became a shut in, I rarely go out with freinds or try to attempt to find a girlfriend. I just sit in my basement alone smoke weed and make music, i feel like music is the only thing that lets me escape from it all. smoking weed really dosent do anything for me anymore, but if i go without it i feel extremely depressed or even suicidal, i dont know it keeps me in a positive mind state but sometimes it makes it worse... i dont know if i have inner demons or what is going on. i seen mental doctors but I feel like i lied when he asked me if i heard voices or if I ever felt evil i really dont know what to think of it. I thought i was schizophrenic but I really dont think that anymore, I have potential and I have drive to do things and be productive in society, i can communicate with another human being on a intelligent level and a sociable level for that matter, but at the same time i feel like i am isolated from society I really dont know what I am going to do, when I attempted suicide I was arrested and taken to a mental hospital where I escaped then captured and taken to jail until the following morning where i was taken by ambulance to a hospital where i was assessed and released. I have an appointment with a physicist tomorrow, i am looking forward and I hope it will give me some of the answers I am looking for I really want to get over this mental illness and try and have a happy productive life with a loving relationship with another human being. I dont know if these voices are just myself tripping myself out because sometimes I think thats what I do but other times it feels so real i cannot stop it, I really get disturbing thoughts and images implanted in my mind. i often find myself hearing voices when i am out with freinds, like people are out to get me and i can hear their thoughts...its really scary sometimes.....i like being sociable but i feel like i cant relate to people....other times i feel normal , I know this message is really scattered and all over the place but I dont know how else to explain myself, i am just writting what comes to my mind,,as if i was talking to someone about it........i want to get help and I want to try and live normally thats all i want, i want to live without the rage attacks, depression, voices and weird things that i do, i do some pretty bizarre stuff that i dont know why I do it i dont sleep much anymore and I dont do anything, i feel like im becoming traped in my mind and Its getting worse. i thought about killing myself before but never really tried it until last week....i just got in this state of mind started distorying stuff and then eventually broke down and started crying and laid on the basement floor hearing these voices. it is 7:30 in the morning and i haven't slept much within the last week..........i am going crazy,, i dont know what to do but to accept it and go with it. ..,. . .