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I don't know what's happening, but I wish it would stop.

L

layeredtrauma

New member
Joined
Jan 14, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Asia
Trigger warning. I am listing my current thoughts without getting too detailed. Age- 19:

1)As suicide is a sin, I pray to God every day that if my situation is not going to improve, He automatically ends my life. By any means, as long as I die.
2) I am seriously regretting choosing med school. I wish to drop out, this fucking sucks, and I don't see a way out.
Will my point of view change in the near future? I don't know, I wish it does.

I am indeed in medication (escitalopram 5 mg). I have been extremely suicidal before when I was 16. I still held on, no self-harming. My doctor doesn't yet know this thought pattern of mine, she is considering tapering off after 2 months when I have adjusted to med life (I have just got in, so if I wanna drop out, it will be easier now with little damage. The only damage would be my parents' dream). I feel really trapped and I don't have the energy to hold on anymore. I am crying as I write this, so it is a plea for help.

I really wanted to be a doctor, I really did. Now I wonder whether it was all stupidity. If I deserve to die. I see no way out. Med school is not the only thing triggering this thought pattern. I have TM joint pain too (since 16, this pain lead to suicidal tendencies and anxiety. I was OK and less anxious when my TM disorder was dormant when I was 17 and 18) it reappeared right along with the start of med school.

My psych doctor is my doctor and teacher (I have said earlier I am in med school) and knows my mother. It's all so interconnected, my academic and personal life may get entangled in my professional doctor-patient interaction.

Will dying be easier than life? I am tired and don't see the point anymore. I am so ashamed that I cannot be grateful for what I have. Gratitude feels like a sham. I am feeling so negative, please show me a way.

I am sorry if it is too much for you guys, or too distressing. Reply if you can, please.
 
A

aisha23

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 29, 2019
Messages
277
Location
UK
Trigger warning. I am listing my current thoughts without getting too detailed. Age- 19:

1)As suicide is a sin, I pray to God every day that if my situation is not going to improve, He automatically ends my life. By any means, as long as I die.
2) I am seriously regretting choosing med school. I wish to drop out, this fucking sucks, and I don't see a way out.
Will my point of view change in the near future? I don't know, I wish it does.

I am indeed in medication (escitalopram 5 mg). I have been extremely suicidal before when I was 16. I still held on, no self-harming. My doctor doesn't yet know this thought pattern of mine, she is considering tapering off after 2 months when I have adjusted to med life (I have just got in, so if I wanna drop out, it will be easier now with little damage. The only damage would be my parents' dream). I feel really trapped and I don't have the energy to hold on anymore. I am crying as I write this, so it is a plea for help.

I really wanted to be a doctor, I really did. Now I wonder whether it was all stupidity. If I deserve to die. I see no way out. Med school is not the only thing triggering this thought pattern. I have TM joint pain too (since 16, this pain lead to suicidal tendencies and anxiety. I was OK and less anxious when my TM disorder was dormant when I was 17 and 18) it reappeared right along with the start of med school.

My psych doctor is my doctor and teacher (I have said earlier I am in med school) and knows my mother. It's all so interconnected, my academic and personal life may get entangled in my professional doctor-patient interaction.

Will dying be easier than life? I am tired and don't see the point anymore. I am so ashamed that I cannot be grateful for what I have. Gratitude feels like a sham. I am feeling so negative, please show me a way.

I am sorry if it is too much for you guys, or too distressing. Reply if you can, please.

I want to know your message is being read by someone (me), I'm so sorry you are struggling

suicide feelings are so common for so many of us. you're deffenetly not the only person on this forum who has thought about if death is easier than life. I think about it too. I think what keeps me going is knowing that this is it- that is to say, if I die, will I have any regrets of things I didn't do, or should have done- I don't get a second chance, I don't get a do over, I suppose it's a case of trying to live your best life

x
 
P

Professionalhypochondriac

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 14, 2020
Messages
53
Location
United Kingdom
Layered trauma... let me assure you that I have been in your thought process many times in my life time.
I am someone who suffers bad with mental health issues but also has a successful career working within the health sector.
My opinion is that none of us truly want to die... we just want the pain and the thoughts/ issues to stop or go away.
becoming a doctor is a tough career path butI believe anybody can do anything if they put their mind to it...
Importantly you need to be doing that career path because it’s what you want and never to please anyone else.
death in my opinion is never the answer although i do admit that we as mental health sufferers sometimes feel like their is no other option...
No matter how dark your days get I can promise you that their is sunny days over the horizon.
I’m not saying will come straight away but with the right support and things it will.
l
 
L

layeredtrauma

New member
Joined
Jan 14, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Asia
Thanks for the support, guys. I have shared this with my mom too, and she's extremely supportive. I'll hold on like I did a thousand times before, and let's see what life has in store for me, despite the pain. Everything will be solved (I hope it does). It may take a month or a year, but things will look up. I will see it to the end. I am still in a bad state of mind, suicidal ideation is a hard thing to get out of, especially when you are in pain 24/7.
 
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