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I don't know what to write so I guess this will have no point :)

Annelis

Annelis

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Joined
Dec 26, 2019
Messages
205
Location
Slovakia
Sorry if this post is pointless, I just feel lonely so i want to write something and this feels more real than writing 10 pages in my diary which no one will ever read :)
It's almost 1 a.m. I have to get up early tomorrow and teach several classes, because my teaching practice is still on, though I sometimes managed to do half of it already without being openly criticized by the teachers-supervisors.
I go to bed everyday with great fear that I'll fail the teaching next day.. I wake up with this fear. Then I somehow get though the lessons - the moments I teach are actually enjoyable. And then I start to fear the next day.
Apart from that, I'm scared of Christmas. Every year, I do something to ruin Christmas for everybody in my family, no matter how hard I try to be on my best behaviour. Actually, last year I registered here on the forum just after I ruined Christmas again, that time by falling apart after a day of enduring my mother's lover's presence and inappropriate behaviour and when he left and I could stop pretending I fell apart and made a scene and my mom said Christmas was ruined, and was mad at me for the rest of the holidays. I have many stories - one for each Christmas... No matter how hard I tried, always something happened and it was somehow my fault. Even the year when our neighbor tried to kill herself and everyone in the building and I found out and prevented it, at a cost of hurting myself, preventing the cooking of Christmas dinner, and policemen coming right when my mom accepted we could start eating. And even though I saved many lives that day, I was the reason Christmas was ruined again. I wonder what will happen this year. Every year I try to believe it will finally be ok, but it has never been so far. Also Christmas is difficult for me because my friend who basically lives with us throughtout the year and helps me when my family is sick and tired of my abnormality, she has to spend Christmas with with her family and only comes here later. So I have to go through it alone, without anyone who knows how to help me if I fall apart.
Also I got a perfect gift for this friend, because I'm really grateful for what she's been doing for me, so I bought her something she wanted for a long time. And every single day I am scared. A. That she will find out somehow and it won't be a suprise. B. What if suddenly this year her family gets her that thing and when she comes here she will already have it and my gift would be pointless. C. What if she won't like it after all?... I know these worries are silly.. but I just can't stop them.
Also I am responsible for a lot of things at home, because my family simply doesn't care. And it's been a lot, combine with the teaching practice and I'm very nervous and I act in a very annoyed way when someone wants me to do anything else.
I'm scared that even if I manage the teaching practice somehow, I'll have to write a thesis by April. Then I'll have exams. And even if I dont fail until then, then I'll have to find a job. What if I don't find any? What if I'll suck at it? What if, with a job, I will never have a chance to find time to do something about my mental health? What if my weirdness will make me suck at any job?
I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I'm kind of obsessed with it. I know I'm not normal, but having never seen any real specialist, I think I might just be making everything up. But I struggle a lot. And then I read something on the internet. And it sounds just like me. But I don't have a diagnosis, so how dare I think I might have such farfetched mental illness? If there was something really wrong, someone would have noticed, wouldn't they? Like my parents, when I was a kid I was also wierd. If there was something really wrong, they would have taken me somewhere, wouldn't they?
Anyway it's late and I should really sleep. I wonder if I can manage that. Thanks for your time if you read this and thanks for any replies.
 
jajingna

jajingna

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I hated doing my teaching internship, many years ago. I passed with a low mark. I majored in English literature so I taught a few classes in that at my old high school, with my own high school teacher being my mentor. I never liked being observed. Many high school students don't like English lit much, I discovered. Guess I knew that from my high school days. I mean, not everyone is gonna like poetry or Shakespeare, but we had no choice.

The math classes I handled were way easier. Everybody took them seriously. They were easy to teach, really. Introduce some concept, do a few examples on the board, tell the kids to do a few questions in their text, go around checking, helping, not much to it.

Maybe you have social anxiety? That's my main issue I believe.
 
A

Am33

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When you helped save that neighbors life that is the real meaning of Christmas that you proved .:santa:
 
Annelis

Annelis

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Joined
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Messages
205
Location
Slovakia
When you helped save that neighbors life that is the real meaning of Christmas that you proved .:santa:
Yes, but still, my mom told I ruined Christmas, because she couldn't celebrate it peacefully, as me trying to explain that something is going on, and we must do something about it, was a lot noisy and messy and then when the police came, my mom just shut herself in her room and refused to eat Christmas dinner and open the presents..
 
D

Deleted member 91323

Guest
In my eyes, you did not ruin any Christmas days. You cannot help being unwell and why should you have to put up with inappropriate behaviour? Your Mum sounds so hard on you and none of these things were your fault.

How lovely you bought your friend a gift she really wants. I hope nobody else has bought it for her and I am sure she will be very happy you cherish her so much.
 
L

LadyDomino

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May 7, 2019
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526
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Dorset
my mom just shut herself in her room and refused to eat Christmas dinner and open the presents..
IMO your mom ruined the Christmas by not understanding what had happened and then by her actions. You shouldn't blame yourself.

How lovely you bought your friend a gift she really wants. I hope nobody else has bought it for her and I am sure she will be very happy you cherish her so much
Couldn't have said it better.

Then I somehow get though the lessons - the moments I teach are actually enjoyable. And then I start to fear the next day.
When I did my thesis we were "encouraged" to teach, it wasn't mandatory. My first classes were Environmental law - a subject I'd never studied - scared me sh*tless and I never enjoyed those classes. But when I taught other subjects I quite enjoyed the classes, even if the students didn't like the complusory subjects. But I always feared the classes. At the beging of one sermester I went into the classroom and said "Ah, my German law class", they looked terrified, I was supposed to be teaching European law! My mistake lol.
 
Annelis

Annelis

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Joined
Dec 26, 2019
Messages
205
Location
Slovakia
In my eyes, you did not ruin any Christmas days. You cannot help being unwell and why should you have to put up with inappropriate behaviour? Your Mum sounds so hard on you and none of these things were your fault.

How lovely you bought your friend a gift she really wants. I hope nobody else has bought it for her and I am sure she will be very happy you cherish her so much.
Well, when it comes to my mother's boyfriend, she refuses to see that him walking half naked around our flat when he actually came here like the 3rd time ever, could be inappropriate. And when we had to interrupt Christmas dinner because there was too little butter in his food and my mom had to go cook him a better version, that was not inappropriate of him, she thinks it's her fault she didn't put enough butter there. So it's ok to stop Christmas dinner because the guest is not happy with his food while everybody else thinks it's fine. She thinks that if I say anything unnice or disapproving about her boyfriend, it means I don't accept him and I don't want her to be happy. I went through this guilt trip ever since my father left when I was 12. If she is to be happy she must have a boyfriend, and if we want her to be happy, we don't get to mind. Even when it means spending Christmas with a stranger.. and then she breaks up with him and next Christmas there's another stranger in his place, on what used to be my father's chair. A stranger whom I saw twice before that time! I wonder how it will be this year. If she's going to bring him over again.. I think in many ways his behaviour was inappropriate as he is a stranger to us and he was a guest in our home. But mom says all men are like that.. they are rude, make hurtful jokes and you can't expect them to wear clothes...

I really hope my friend will like the gift. I think if no one else gets her that thing, she should be happy. But still... What if her family gets her something even better? I know I'm silly, but I'm still worried.
She helps me so much with everything. She protects me from my own family, when they don't know what to do with me, she protects me from myself when I get some attacks and would hurt myself... She does everything for me when I don't feel up to it. I am so grateful I have her. I think if the didn't befriend me a short time before my mh state worsened greatly 6 years ago, I wouldn't have survived until today. I think one Christmas gift can't ever be enough to thank her, no matter how big or expensive it is.
 
D

Deleted member 91323

Guest
Not all men are rude, make hurtful comments or walk around naked when there are other people around. I totally disagree with that. I can see your mum thinks she is right and nobody else could change her mind. It is very frustrating she is unable to see your point of view in anything and blames you for things all the time.

Your friend sounds amazing but do not forget you are too. She would not be able to be your friend if she did not like you or see wonderful qualities in you.
 
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