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I don't know what to say

mini

mini

Active member
Joined
Oct 1, 2009
Messages
30
Location
Kent, UK
Hello again

Posted on here ages ago. Although I got some good advice I am still stuck. I said before that I'm really finding it hard to make the first step in getting help - I am so scared about approaching anyone and talking about all this to someone in the know, and I know by putting it off I'm only making it worse. Does anyone know what I mean when I say if you're having a really bad one - you really are incapable of helping yourself?

I mean for me - a bad phase may last a day or two - doesn't sound long but it's hell - but once I'm out the otherside, and feeling relatively normal again, I'm telling myself: I coped, I'm fine now - I don't need any help.....but then when I hit a serious low again, I really wish I'd had the guts to talk to someone who understands all this. It's getting worse too - I know we're not allowed to talk about the ins-and-outs of the hows and whatnot on here but I have planned to the last detail my final exit from all this murk - but when I'm fine again - I'm horrified that I've thought seriously about ending this. I don't want to sound melodramatic but I feel like two different ppl. Does this sound familiar to anyone? What kick up the arse do I need to sort this? Why is going to a doctor so scary? Because dealing with this on my own is sucking the will to live out of me.

Thanks again - any response appreciated x
 
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
1,191
Location
Kent
Hi Mini, another Kent person I see. (y)

If you're having thoughts about ending your life you really need to see your GP urgently. I know it's so hard taking that first step but you know yourself, you really do need to do it. Printing out what you've written here and giving it to the doctor would be a way of getting your problem across without having to say anything. The doctor will have seen this sort of problem many times before and you're definitely not wasting his time.

I know how scary going to the doctor is; I've known mine for years, he's lovely and yet I still get really nervous going to see him. I usually end up crying when I'm in there.

In the meantime, keep talking here if it helps.
 
K

Kat667

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 16, 2009
Messages
95
Location
Bath
I've finally decided to see my doctor about my condition after a long discussion with my family and my husband. I always thought the dramatic peaks and troughs and other symptoms were 'normal' but now know they are not. I'm embarrassed about it, about being stigmatised and the possible side effects of any medication I may be prescribed. I can't muddle through anymore and I don't want my relationships with my family and my husband to continue to suffer my moods, they don't deserve it.

Good luck with your doctor mini, I'm sure they've dealt with it before and will be able to help. You've already taken steps by finding support and information on this forum. If you have a close family member to talk to, it helps. My dad has been great, he's been telling me to see a professional for years, finally i decided to listen, especially after he pointed out just how irrational and hectic I get in a manic state.
 
mini

mini

Active member
Joined
Oct 1, 2009
Messages
30
Location
Kent, UK
The only time I ever brought this up with my parents, the response was - and this is verbatim : 'Christ - don't we know anyone normal anymore?'. So I have given up on that avenue - I don't think they would have a clue how to deal with it if I spoke to them about it. Most ppl I have opened up to have tried to pin the way I feel to some aspect of my life - saying that it's probably because I'm in the wrong job and that it'd be fine if I changed that - or if I socialised more/less depending on their own comfort zone....this has been following me around for years.

Thank you for your advice tho - I hope all goes well with you Kat, hopefully I'll have the bottle to do the same thing soon. xxx


"Hope is patience with the lamp lit" - Tertullian
 
U

uniwired

Member
Joined
Dec 18, 2009
Messages
17
Location
Aberdeen
Hey mini,

I know exactly how your feeling - I was the same. While the way we do things is all different, maybe my story will spark some thoughts... The first time I went to the doctor I handed him a note I had written, and asked him to call me back once he'd read it. That way I didnt have to watch his reaction to reading it, cause I was scared. And the fact that he called me back in a reassuring way instantly told me it was ok. If he wasnt like that Id have run away tho! Anyway, my point is maybe you can make the first step by writing, that way you dont have to actually explain things face to face. My doc is a real help at times.

Good luck
 
mini

mini

Active member
Joined
Oct 1, 2009
Messages
30
Location
Kent, UK
Thank you for your response uniwired - a couple of ppl have suggested printing out my posts on here as a way of an ice-breaker - was feeling brave today and nearly phoned for an appointment. Tomorrow is easy to say but will definitely ring them tomorrow.

You sound like a quiet soul too - am also so I think that's why your note-writing suggestion appealed so much. Thank you so much again.



"Hope is patience with the lamp lit" ~Tertullian
 
U

uniwired

Member
Joined
Dec 18, 2009
Messages
17
Location
Aberdeen
No worries, here to try and help :) let us know how you get on, either way.
 
T

TOONAFISH

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2008
Messages
2,686
Location
Bonnie Scotland
Hi Mini

I totally understand where you are coming from. I was v scared to go to the docs when I was depressed as I had just had my first child and I knew that the doc would think I was a complete witch for having the cheek to be unhappy.

However they were sympathetic and gave me meds and support groups etc for me and the baby.

As pp have said, try typing or printing something out if you dont want to talk, or cant say it aloud.

I would come with you if I could :hug:
 
mini

mini

Active member
Joined
Oct 1, 2009
Messages
30
Location
Kent, UK
Thanks Toonafish - am ringing tomorrow for sure, am scared what I'll do if I have another downer this month and will write something down to take with me - but that is a really kind thing for you to say to someone you don't even know.

Really big thank you to everyone that got back to me on this - I really feel less isolated by this - thank you thank you thank you xxxx
 
mini

mini

Active member
Joined
Oct 1, 2009
Messages
30
Location
Kent, UK
Just for practice and to set this down in writing here is what I will probably say - I think the writing thing is a very good idea and I think having it all at my fingertips will help - this is a long post and I don't expect anyone to read all of it - but if you do and it resonates, at least we're not alone:

The way I have been feeling is affecting me in many ways which I consider to be negative and are taking their toll on my ability to function in the way that I want to. This has been gradually building up for the last ten years or so - not so much when I was a teenager - but in the last eighteen months/two years, it's got the point where I can't cope with it anymore:

The worrying but probably less serious issues:
-No appetite - not eating regularly or properly at all - can kind of see this is linked in to a continuing self-esteem thing where I am never happy with the me I see in the mirror
-Completely abnormal sleeping patterns - where feeling anxious and down means I am awake until four or so in the morning most days, dwelling on the issues that are getting to me - and the more I do this - the more my brain sabotages me by dumping more and more negative thoughts into the mix
-By not sleeping, having no motivation on the days where I can drag myself out of bed - and then having some days where I can't at all and will sit in my room for 48 hours or so intermittently crying and playing things over in my head. I am terrified this will mean I'll never get a decent job
-The inability to move on from failed relationships and the constant constant feeling that I have failed, yet again, in another aspect of my already seemingly pointless life
-Complete disruption of any regular normal female body cycles - and when they do occur and overlap with a bad day - it's about a hundred times worse
-Not being able to understand why I feel low at any particular time and unable to trace the low to any particular triggering factor - maybe there isn't one but the not understanding why I feel like this is driving me mad
-Bouts of being hyper-sociable - followed by feeling relatively numb to pretty much everything but being able to get on with life - interspersed with phases lasting up to three days, where I feel so low it's scary

The stuff that freaks me out:
-Thinking now and again that getting absolutely plastered will somehow alleviate this numb feeling and sometimes trying to block out the low by drinking (not smart)
-Making completely inappropriate decisions sometimes when feeling on top of the world and then also doing this when feeling out of my mind depressed (also not smart)
-When feeling really bad, thinking that killing myself would not be such a bad idea and then feeling even more pathetic when I can't actually bring myself to do it - yet having a definite plan in my mind for one day when it's way too much

If you have read this all - like I said - and it seems in anyway familiar - let me know what you think. As it is - I think I'll print this out and show it to my gp. I think it will be easier than talking about it to begin with.

Thanks again - you guys have been amazing x
 
D

DELATEXT

Guest
It can be very difficult to talk to anyone, even the Doctor, you get trapped by fear !!
I feel like that right now, but you need to confide in someone a friend or relative, get support, try watching comedy anything that will make you laugh that works for me and hope it helps you :clap:
 
mini

mini

Active member
Joined
Oct 1, 2009
Messages
30
Location
Kent, UK
I could not do it. I do not have the *balls*....so here I am again at gone two in the morning wondering at the colossal mess I've made of my life.

I'm not a stupid person - at least I'm pretty sure I'm not - so why can't I do this? Sometimes the conviction to start sorting this out is so strong that there's no question but that I do it - and then in the cliched cold light of day - there's no resolve left and I'm this snail like creature that exudes denial. 'Scuse the imagery but that's how it popped into my head. Am very visual. Look, an attempt at humour - so this can't be another downer, right?

Fk it am scared. And how sad am I - that it feels better to type it all down, than talk to another human, like this bloomin' computer can somehow understand all this. Completely irrationally, it makes the loneliness diminish. There maybe no one else out there awake - maybe no one will read this - but it's been written - and that alone is helping. Weird.
 
D

DELATEXT

Guest
being gagged

Hello again

Posted on here ages ago. Although I got some good advice I am still stuck. I said before that I'm really finding it hard to make the first step in getting help - I am so scared about approaching anyone and talking about all this to someone in the know, and I know by putting it off I'm only making it worse. Does anyone know what I mean when I say if you're having a really bad one - you really are incapable of helping yourself?

I mean for me - a bad phase may last a day or two - doesn't sound long but it's hell - but once I'm out the otherside, and feeling relatively normal again, I'm telling myself: I coped, I'm fine now - I don't need any help.....but then when I hit a serious low again, I really wish I'd had the guts to talk to someone who understands all this. It's getting worse too - I know we're not allowed to talk about the ins-and-outs of the hows and whatnot on here but I have planned to the last detail my final exit from all this murk - but when I'm fine again - I'm horrified that I've thought seriously about ending this. I don't want to sound melodramatic but I feel like two different ppl. Does this sound familiar to anyone? What kick up the arse do I need to sort this? Why is going to a doctor so scary? Because dealing with this on my own is sucking the will to live out of me.

Thanks again - any response appreciated x
Being gagged by depression is terrible, I suffer this so I kind of understand, I wrote it all down for my Doctor who was amazing and really supported me, maybe you could consider this?? (y)
 
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
1,191
Location
Kent
I know exactly how you feel about things seeming better just by writing it. That's definitely not sad, it's making things easier on yourself. :)
 
K

Kat667

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 16, 2009
Messages
95
Location
Bath
Thanks Mini.
I like the idea one of the other in here had of writing a note and handing it to the doc. I like writing, still write poetry and am ok at expressing myself in writing, talking is harder, especially when docs have short time to see patients.
My husband seems to think I should get myself together, until I told him it had been going on for years and I never said anything cos I thought it was normal for me. My dad has been best support. He suffered depression after heart attack and quadruple by-pass so has some idea of what it is like.

By the way.
Have had most if not all of same symptoms you described. Except I have panic attacks about twice a month too. It's like I go on a cycle every 2 months or so, sometimes being hyper focused, full of grandeous ideas and painting constantly followed by weeks where I won't answer the phone and avoid talking to anyone by doing crosswords or sleeping.
 
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