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I don't know what to do

K

Katenelsombrero

Member
Joined
Jul 20, 2018
Messages
7
I don't know where to even start here... Hmm.. Let's see.. there is just so much to say. I guess I can't write it all here. In a nutshell, I grew up with very critical parents, sometimes quite cruel. Though I must say we had a lot of good times and laughter in between the bad times. My family, although dysfunctional was somehow close.
My mom was abused horribly as a child, by her stepmom. My dad is an angry alcoholic with various addiction issues. I have a brother and a sister.. were all three very unconfident people. My parents are highly critical, and don't have much self esteem themselves.
I always felt like I was the odd one out, like I never quite fit in with my family. It felt like I was the scapegoat many times.. and I'd say so and I'd be told I'm too sensitive.
I ended up in a very abusive relationship for 13 years. I married him. Finally when he'd threatened to murder me for the 100th time... I finally decided to leave him. I actually moved back in with my parents to get away from him, because he'd been breaking into my apartment. I was terrified. They promised things would be better because I told them I didn't want to live with them, because they were too cruel at times. I moved in with them... My husband stalked me for around a year. I had many issues from PTSD, anxiety and depression. Along with absolutely crippling insomnia. My parents were sorta nice at first. Seemed to feel bad about my husband... Then slowly things got more back to normal.. with them being more critical and cruel. Don't get me wrong they could be very nice at times in between... But it seemed like as time went on my entire family began to resent me more and more. I could never sleep. I was so depressed, I tried to go to them for help and it seemed like no one really cared as much anymore. Sometimes I thought I was just imagining it because I was feeling so low. I'd told my mom I'd been contemplating suicide. She told the rest of my family and they made rude remarks.. acted as if I was only saying so to manipulate them in some way.
One day no one was home except my dad. I don't know if he was drunk or took pills.. no idea. But he basically tried to call my bluff and was almost egging me on to kill myself. I finally just said 'fuck you' and went to walk away. Then he punched me in the back of my head as I was walking away. He didn't do it as hard as he could, but hard enough to make me lose my footing and give me a headache. I was so angry. I told him if he wanted to punch me to do it to.my face instead of being a pussy from behind.
At that moment I decided I'd move out. Even if I was going to be homeless. I was not going to let anyone hit me anymore, period. I'd left my husband for safety to live with my parents... And my dad punches me.
When I tell my mom I'm moving out, she gets very angry. She asks me if I can show her bruises if he punched me...like she didn't believe it. My brother and sister don't seem to believe it either...even tho every one of them has seen him be violent in the past and knows he has alcohol and addiction problems.
I felt so alone. I had to make a GoFundMe account so I could make sure to have enough money to be able to live. It was humilating but it felt like I had no other options. I had been sick from all of the stress I think, of what was going on at the time and was on the verge of losing my job, had missed several days of work already at that time.
My family found out about the GoFundMe and got very angry that I'd stated that I'd been abused on it. I never named any names, but they felt that I publicly embarrassed them, I think.
My parents tried to get my car towed away before I could. Just to get it impounded to hurt me. All this as I'm moving out. They stuffed all my Belongings in the car along with trash... Rotting trash. Who does that? I still can't believe it.
After I leave, my brother tells me that I'm projecting..and acts like none of what I told him about what happened was real... I feel like I'm going crazy at this point.
My sister tells me she never wants to talk to me again. My sister and my brother tell me I can not talk to my niece and nephews any longer, that it's not healthy for them to be around me. I'm devastated at this. So confused.
My parents had also said they didn't want me in their lives any longer. At the time I didn't mind that much because I was so angry with them both. But I never thought my brother and sister would leave me too.
They need my mother, she watches their kids for them. She probably would have made their lives hell if they went against her.
But now it's been 2 years and they still don't want anything to do with me. I don't understand why.
But my parents talk to me here and there. I found out my dad lied to everyone and said he didn't put punch me but that he slapped me. Everyone is apparently believing him and also are okay with him slapping me... Even thouvh that should not be ok.
My parents only talk to me every couple months or so. It's so half assed. It's nice we have been cordial but nothing has ever really been discussed because all they do is blame me and basically call me a liar.
My mom has been reaching out a bit more here and there. even when she's nice it triggers me and I have horrible anxiety and I cry and cry. I can't sleep sometimes for 3 days straight. I feel like I've never dealt with this abandonment. I don't know what to do. I feel so heart broken and confused. I don't know why they don't want me around. The only thing that makes sense to me is that I called attantion to what my dad did. In my family everything was always swept under the rug but I moved and made a big deal and stood up for myself.
Anyway. This is just blabbering I'm sorry.. there is more to the story too but it's too much to type all out I think.
Anyway. I'm really struggling with my PTSD anxiety and depression and insomnia. I'm desperately seeking relief. I think I need to face this whole thing and make a choice.
Part of me just wants my family back and to be loved.
Part of me knows they aren't really healthy for me. They've caused me so much grief. I can't believe they'd abandon me this way. And especially for reasons that don't make sense.
I'm a kind person, I feel like they've always preyed on that in me. Idk what to say. Or do.
My mom tries to contact me.. should I just cut all ties completely and stop answering her?
I believe she likes to hurt me.. because she was abused. But she's my mom and I love her. I feel so torn and hopeless.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Katenelsombrero, :welcome: to the Forum. I had to write back to you because you poured your heart out in your post. I know how you feel because my mother mentally/emotionally tormented me as a child. Plus she constantly slapped me. She was the foundation of my broken personality and this kept me from reaching my potential.

There was a long period of time, twenty odd years, that I did not speak to her. This was good for me. I was no longer torn between wanting a mother and being hurt by the reality of a dysfunctional mother. That is very hard, the desire for a mother versus the crappy condescending way she spoke to me; always the critical parental mode. Never the nurturing unconditional loving mode. So I took a hiatus. I met other people. I got new people.

I notice you are learning to be assertive. Good for you !!! :clap:
 
I

IWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH

Guest
That's a tough call. But I think you should stop talking to them until you get better. My mom abused me. When I moved out I didn't talk to her for a year and a half. You need to give yourself time to heal. My family was very abusive and dysfunctional too. But we still have feelings for them because they are family. What ever happened to your ex husband? I hope he is leaving you alone now. I'm sorry you been through all that. :hug:
 
K

Katenelsombrero

Member
Joined
Jul 20, 2018
Messages
7
Thank you so much for writing to me. I did pour my heart out here and I'm sorry for the babbling. I just went and wrote before I could talk myself out of it.
I'm glad to know you took a hiatus and felt better. It sounds like you did eventually talk to her again?
If so what's it like now?

I find myself wondering what to do. Her hurtful ways seem too much for me to handle. With all I've been through in life, I don't feel equipped to handle her or any of my family members negativity anymore. It's like I can't even handle the smallest stressors. I'm overwhelmed. And my family is full of constant put downs. That's how it's always been.

I feel like what's wrong with me that I even want them around when they don't want me around. I don't understand why.
I pride myself on being a good and kind person. I'm just silly and goofy mostly and trying to have fun. I really don't think I did anything to any of them and yet they don't love me.

There is a lot I didn't put into the post either. I'm really battling with this one thing. My father always made me feel uncomfortable. He'd stare at my chest as I grew older. I have large breasts. In my older years I'd also catch him peeking into my room at night. He was not the sort of father that would come to check on me. So it made me feel deeply uncomfortable. I still don't know why he was doing that. I caught him 5 or so times. I wonder how many times I didn't wake up to catch him. Sometimes I would sleep with a tank top on and my breasts often would come out of it. I stopped after the first time I caught him.
Also it seemed like he'd try to look into the window when I was showering. But I always told myself I was paranoid.
One time he was very angry at me and burst into my room to yell at me. I was butt naked, and he stood there continunig to yell and scream and stare. Then he left the door wide open and stormed off... So anyone else could walk by and see me too. I feel like I've been violated by him but I don't remember him actually touching me.

Sorry I poured more out. I can't seem to stop it now. My head is just swirling. Thank you for listening to me. I appreciate it so much.
 
K

Katenelsombrero

Member
Joined
Jul 20, 2018
Messages
7
And to fubarlady, thank you for writing to me too. And thank you for asking about my ex, he has mainly left me alone finally. It took a year and a half or so I think. He was stalking me, harassing me via any avenue he could. He hacked into various accounts of mine and sent messages to people pretending to be me. Telling them I had STDs and all kinds of awful things. I'm so relieved that he doesn't seem to be obsessing over me anymore.
I have a new boyfriend, he is the absolute light of my life. He's the most kind and generous person I've ever met. When this all happened with my family I was going to be homeless and he took me in. He took care of me when I was at my very worst. We we're only friends at that time.
A few months later we started dating and fell in love. I live with him and his family. He takes care of his parents, he's incredible. They are a loving family and it's so fascinating to me. I think they really are an emotionally healthy family and I don't think I've ever experienced that. I feel so lucky to have him and them. Yet I'm still stuck in such torment in my own mind. It's like I'm too wrapped up in the horrors of.my past to be able to properly live and enjoy what's right in front of me. I feel like I have every reason to be so happy now except for my family not wanting me. And I can't seem to move forward and accept it and be truly happy with what I do have. I mean I am happy with things now with my man and his family. I just want to be able to let myself. Fully immerse in it... And really trust that they won't hurt me. I fear that everyone will want to leave now.. since my own family did. You know? The ppl that are always supposed to be there. And they don't care. It's so painful.
 
K

Katenelsombrero

Member
Joined
Jul 20, 2018
Messages
7
Thank you to anyone who reads this and offers any insight or anything it's so appreciated. I feel so humilated. I'm trying not to. I'm bearing my heart. I'm trying not to hold anything back and just put it all out here.
 
I

IWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH

Guest
You're welcome. I'm glad you now have a good boyfriend. You deserve it. Sorry about your family. :hug:
 
K

Katenelsombrero

Member
Joined
Jul 20, 2018
Messages
7
Thank you so much. He's truly the greatest and I want to feel better to be a better girlfriend for him. He's one of those people that just renew your faith in humanity.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Thank you so much for writing to me. I did pour my heart out here and I'm sorry for the babbling. I just went and wrote before I could talk myself out of it.
I'm glad to know you took a hiatus and felt better. It sounds like you did eventually talk to her again?
If so what's it like now?

I find myself wondering what to do. Her hurtful ways seem too much for me to handle. With all I've been through in life, I don't feel equipped to handle her or any of my family members negativity anymore. It's like I can't even handle the smallest stressors. I'm overwhelmed. And my family is full of constant put downs. That's how it's always been.

I feel like what's wrong with me that I even want them around when they don't want me around. I don't understand why.
I pride myself on being a good and kind person. I'm just silly and goofy mostly and trying to have fun. I really don't think I did anything to any of them and yet they don't love me.

There is a lot I didn't put into the post either. I'm really battling with this one thing. My father always made me feel uncomfortable. He'd stare at my chest as I grew older. I have large breasts. In my older years I'd also catch him peeking into my room at night. He was not the sort of father that would come to check on me. So it made me feel deeply uncomfortable. I still don't know why he was doing that. I caught him 5 or so times. I wonder how many times I didn't wake up to catch him. Sometimes I would sleep with a tank top on and my breasts often would come out of it. I stopped after the first time I caught him.
Also it seemed like he'd try to look into the window when I was showering. But I always told myself I was paranoid.
One time he was very angry at me and burst into my room to yell at me. I was butt naked, and he stood there continunig to yell and scream and stare. Then he left the door wide open and stormed off... So anyone else could walk by and see me too. I feel like I've been violated by him but I don't remember him actually touching me.

Sorry I poured more out. I can't seem to stop it now. My head is just swirling. Thank you for listening to me. I appreciate it so much.
Please don't apologize for writing. Write as much as you want.

Find people who actually love you. Don't find people who fit the abusive pattern you come from.

With my mother, she eventually became an old lady and was sorry for "being a little harsh" as she puts it, when I was a kid. As an old lady, she doesn't have all the energy to put into being arrogant. She said she was sorry and I forgive her. The forgiving has actually been a process over time, forgiving in increments, deeper and deeper. I speak to her every day now on the phone as we are in different states.

It isn't her fault entirely, although she could have made more of an effort not to be so angry all the time. She was angry because her father never loved her and called her the bastard child. He threw things at her like ketsup bottles.

And he was angry because he lost his first family in Russia. Their village was burned. He came to America and considered his second family to be some kind of sin.

And so the dysfunction has it's roots in warfare.
 
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K

Katenelsombrero

Member
Joined
Jul 20, 2018
Messages
7
Please don't apologize for writing. Write as much as you want.

Find people who actually love you. Don't find people who fit the abusive pattern you come from.

With my mother, she eventually became an old lady and was sorry for "being a little harsh" as she puts it, when I was a kid. As an old lady, she doesn't have all the energy to put into being arrogant. She said she was sorry and I forgive her. The forgiving has actually been a process over time, forgiving in increments, deeper and deeper. I speak to her every day now on the phone as we are in different states.

It isn't her fault entirely, although she could have made more of an effort not to be so angry all the time. She was angry because her father never loved her and called her the bastard child. He threw things at her like ketsup bottles.

And he was angry because he lost his first family in Russia. Their village was burned. He came to America and considered his second family to be some kind of sin.

And so the dysfunction has it's roots in warfare.
Thank you so much. That's lovely to hear that you still are able to have some sort of relationship with her now despite it all.
My mother too... She was abused just truly awfully. I don't think she knows how to love because of it. I know that's why she is the way she is. I try to keep it in mind, but still it doesn't make it okay for her to be so hateful and manipulative sometimes.
More than anything I miss my niece and nephews that I'm not allowed to see.
We we're super close and now they're growing up without me.

When you stopped taking to your mother did you tell her why or did you just cease contact? I feel like I need to tell my mom if I'm going to ignore her. But isn't that a strange thing lol. I feel so compelled to let her know. Idk or I'm not even sure I can cut her off but I think I should.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Thank you so much. That's lovely to hear that you still are able to have some sort of relationship with her now despite it all.
My mother too... She was abused just truly awfully. I don't think she knows how to love because of it. I know that's why she is the way she is. I try to keep it in mind, but still it doesn't make it okay for her to be so hateful and manipulative sometimes.
More than anything I miss my niece and nephews that I'm not allowed to see.
We we're super close and now they're growing up without me.

When you stopped taking to your mother did you tell her why or did you just cease contact? I feel like I need to tell my mom if I'm going to ignore her. But isn't that a strange thing lol. I feel so compelled to let her know. Idk or I'm not even sure I can cut her off but I think I should.
It was what I call a Command Decision. I just simply stopped contact. And she didn't bother to call at all. And we were like that for over twenty years. I was FREE of her constant toxicity.
 
K

Katenelsombrero

Member
Joined
Jul 20, 2018
Messages
7
It was what I call a Command Decision. I just simply stopped contact. And she didn't bother to call at all. And we were like that for over twenty years. I was FREE of her constant toxicity.
I see. I suppose it would have to be wouldn't it. Me wanting to let her know is me not wanting to let go? Maybe?

I feel like if she does reach out, I'll break and I'll feel bad if she says she misses me or something.
 
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