• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

I don't know what to do

U

Unsure123

Member
Joined
Apr 27, 2015
Messages
10
Hi,

Apologies for the essay and sorry if I'm in the wrong place here.

I'm really struggling atm and don't know how to stop myself feeling the way I do.
I am taking anti depressants again and I know they take time to work and I am also awaiting counselling.
I just don't see how these things are going to help, I have been here before but I seem to keep returning to this state at different stages of my life (I'm 35).
I feel worthless all the time and that I have nothing to offer anyone, i feel unattractive and useless.
I feel that I am judged by others all the time and am always found wanting.
I lost everything over a year ago, my family, the woman I loved and the family we had together, my home, everything. I had no friends or anyone to help me, I completely broke and was considering suicide. It took time but I started to build my life back piece by piece.
Now things have improved dramatically for me over the last year.
I have a pretty good job, a couple of friends (which is more than I had before) but I'm finding myself feeling the same way again.
I can't ever see myself being with anyone again as I was hurt so badly in my last relationship, I found out I was cheated on several times including with my own brother, I was used and manipulated and the amazing and perfect relationship I had was all a lie so I feel like I had been made a complete fool of.
How could anyone ever want me the way I am now, I can't have any sort of relationship as it would be unfair for anyone else.
I find myself crying over really small things and I feel so alone all the time.
I'm not "in a mess" all the time and I try to be rational about things and not think in the heat of the moment but I just can't see an end to this.
I haven't had physical contact with anyone for a long time, I'm not talking about sex, I haven't even had a hug from someone who's meant it in over a year.
I find myself getting very embarrassed and anxious in social situations which makes meeting people very hard and the atmosphere turns awkward very quickly.
I'm just unhappy with where I am mentally and I don't really know who I am anymore because I've spent so long trying to pretend I'm someone I'm not.
The fact that people in "worse" situations than me cope perfectly well only makes me feel weak.
I spend a lot of time giving advice and helping others when all I really want is for someone to help me but at the same time I isolate myself and push people away.
I know I'm being my own worst enemy but I don't know how to break this cycle.

Any advice would be appreciated.
 
SarahD

SarahD

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2014
Messages
2,095
Location
UK
Hi Unsure

Welcome to the forum. :flower2:

This is a good place to come, with friendly members, a good place to get and to give advice and support, and have friendly discussions.

I am sorry to hear you have been going through such a hard time. A lot of people here will understand. I hope you will find the antidepressants help you. I think the counselling is a good idea.

Going through a traumatic break-up of a relationship can be devastating, and it can take time to recover.

I am glad some things have been improving for you. You are still very vulnerable after all that has happened. Sometimes it feels like one step forward and two steps back. You have to persevere with small steps, going in the right direction.

I hope you will enjoy the forum and find it useful.

Best wishes, Sarah
 
chazxxx

chazxxx

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 1, 2015
Messages
744
We may be completely different but i do think i can relate to how you feel somewhat.

My ex cheated on me with 2 of my friends (amongst others) 5 years ago, i havent had a relationship since and i cant remember the last time i had a hug either. I felt weak too, people told me that i shouldnt feel the way i do, and how other people had coped better etc.
But my counsellor told me something i found helpful. The reaction/how you feel is directly related to the investment you had into it. The emotional/financial/future etc etc. I had everything invested in that one person and being oblivious to anything being wrong, when the relationship ended so did my world. The rug was pulled from underneath me and i fell flat on my face, everything i had invested in had gone.
I think this may apply for you too? You had everything invested in that relationship along with everything that came with it love/home/family future. You had alot invested into it. I think its natural when your world feels like its collapsed on you that you collapse along with it. I dont believe thats weak at all, its a loss it is like a type of grief. Others in simular situations or even worse dont always have the same investment into something like we did, maybe they didnt love as much or care as much or perhaps they were aware of problems before the split. Whatever the reason it doesnt matter, your world changed massively and you are allowed to grieve over that.
I hope the investment metaphor helps you a little like it did me. Some people only invest a fiver into something others invest their whole life savings. Investing all you have is bound to hurt more.

Well done for moving forward. But personally i think when your busy moving forward it doesnt always leave time to deal with what happened. Believe me i know how hard it is to move on an accept yourself. When someone betrays you that way it feels impossible to be able to trust anyone else because how do you know that isnt a lie too? And why would they want me? Thoughts like that are like plagues. Me personally, i find the concept of loving someone else hard, id be too scared to go through the same pain again.
The betrayl and hurt can effect us in so many ways and make us doubt ourselves, our worthyness to others, our attractiveness, everything about us. (Even more so if any of those feelings were already an issue for us before) we continue to doubt ourselves until we believe the negative thoughts completely.
This is why i do believe therapy will help you. Because the things you now believe they will challenge those beliefs and help you to see that just because you feel a certain way doesnt mean it is true. You are worthy. But you need to engage with therapy for it to help.

Im not very good in social situations myself, i personally just force myself into those situations as i figure the more i do it eventually ill be more comfortable. I also think especially in these depressive cycles we over think and over analyse things. Something we find embarressing someone else may not have even noticed. And the atmosphere may feel awkward because your already anxious of embarressing yourself and hold back in conversation. Hopefully the therapy and meds will be able to help reduce some of that anxiety. Interacting with others can be really helpful when you feel this way. Feeling alone is a horrible feeling, but if nothing else, your definately not alone here.

Im sorry i cant suggest a quick fix to anything, im still working my way through aswel and starting therapy soon myself. I genuinely believe it will help me and i do believe it can be beneficial for you too.

Im sorry my reply is probably longer than your post! And i do appologise if i havent been all that helpful, but i atleast wanted you to know that your not alone. An like sarah said, small steps.

I really hope things start looking up for you and you can continue the meds and therapy. And keep posting here! It's a good place to talk and vent with people who understand.

Xx
 
U

Unsure123

Member
Joined
Apr 27, 2015
Messages
10
Thanks for the welcome and advice Sarah, it is greatly appreciated
 
U

Unsure123

Member
Joined
Apr 27, 2015
Messages
10
Thanks Chaz,

It does sound like we have been in very similar situations, the investment metaphor is spot on, I hadn't looked at it like that before. It has actually made me feel a little better to think of it that way.

Knowing that I'm not the only one who feels like this is also a big help, the idea of loving and trusting someone again does terrify me as well so I can relate to how you feel.

You're also right about the negative thinking but I'm hoping the meds and counselling (when it starts) will help as I can't seem to stop myself thinking these things over and over.

I have tried forcing myself into social situations to help with the anxiety but that doesn't work for me, but like you and Sarah have said "little steps"

I can't thank you enough for responding to my post, knowing I'm not alone is a massive help.

I hope things start looking up for both of us, if I can ever do the same for you that you have done for me I will.

I will continue to post here as this has helped me

Thank you!
 
Top