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I don't know what to do, I am at my limit

H

Hellhouse

Member
Joined
Apr 17, 2020
Messages
5
Location
England
I am new here and this is probably gonna be a long read so I'm sorry for that.
I am 21 years old, will be 22 this year.
I'm just gonna go straight to the point, I live in subhuman conditions. It's a long story but basically my father got a really bad deal and bad luck and the house we ended up staying in should NOT even be functional.
I have been hiding this secret my entire life. Imagine what it's like to not have a single friend, or a girlfriend, because they simply can not visit my house. I've been making up excuses my entire life.
What makes it worse is that from the oustide, the house looks fine. Which is even more annoying because people think i live a normal life.
I still share a room with my sister, she's 25. We have absolutely no privacy. We don't have well functioning pipes. We don't have well functioning power plugs, someone is bound to fucking die here. A few years ago a piece of the celling fell on top of my head, only reason I got no serious injuries was because part of it fell on top of a floor lamp and it took the damage.
I have a few online friends. But hey, guess what. My internet is absolute trash. My mom is embarrased to call people to come here and fix things. When I meant I live in subhuman conditions I wasn't joking. My bathroom has a big hole in the celling and it rains inside. It rains right on top of the toilet. Hurray. I can't take proper showers because the drains don't work. Hurray. It rains inside my room. Hurray. My sister takes up the room so I have to stay in the living room on the computer, it's great when I want some privacy. My parents are about 3 meters away from me. My mom can't cook properly, the kitchen is falling apart. HURRAY
I can't have a normal life. I am in college and for the first time in my life I was living in a good house.
Covid19 strikes. I'm stuck in this hell house. I am very, very scared this will lead to a suicide, very soon. I don't think I can handle staying stuck in this house. I have absolutely no conditions to live and no privacy. I am curently typing this as my father is watching television right in front of me. I am also directly below YET another hole in the celling. It's really great, you should give it a try.
And then when I complain about my life being bad, people tell me "but there's people in africa that don't have food."
Yeah, ok, those people live in even worse conditions, but guess what? They don't have to pretend. Everyone they know lives in the same situations. I live in a big city in a big neighborhood and my house looks normal from the outside.
I have to lie to every single person I've met. I am UNABLE to make friends or Have a girlfriend, because I could never invite them to my house. I don't think people understand how serious not having a proper house is. I'm telling you, someone is gonna die here. The plugs are all fucked up. One day I'm gonna turn on something and I'm gonna die. Do I care? I don't fucking know, I want this to end. I want to have a normal house. I wanna have my own fucking room, I wanna be able to take a shower anytime I want. I want to be able to invite people over. My entire life has been molded around this one thing. My entire childhood has been destroyed, my years in college have been destroyed, I will have mental problems for the rest of my life. I am certain of it. Even if one day we manage to get the money to get a proper house I will forever have these 21 years of pain and disgust inside me. This house is not made for humans. I can't even take a fucking shower when I want to. The house is cold, it rains inside. I don't have my own room. We don't have proper tv, phone or internet services because that requires someone to come here and install a bunch of crap. My mother doesn't want to do any of that. I am losing my mind, covid19 has made this situation a million times worse. I am now completely stuck inside this hell house. I am gonna do something crazy one day, I'm telling you. Aren't people always asking why mentally unstale people never ask for help? Well I'm asking it right now. I am almost certain if this lasts for 1, 2 , 3 months I will end up taking my own life.
My mother can talk to my father about this, and vice versa
My sister has told her boyfriend. He's from another country so it's not like it matters anymore, she vents to him
And I have nobody to talk to. I hear them taking the weight of their chest often. My sister mostly, let's not forget I sleep in the same room my 25 year old sister does. We sleep in a bunk bed How fun! It's awesome having my 25 year old sister sleeping 2 meters below me. It's really fucking nice.
I have had this weight for 21 years. I can NOT take it anymore. I am telling you, I'm gonna do something crazy one day, and that day is coming very soon. I need professional help. Please, please please please help me
i am sorry for all the spelling mistakes, i am typing very fast and I am VERY VERY VERY stressed
 
B

Butterflysb

Guest
Hi, I just read everything you wrote. My heart is with you right now. That must be horrible to be living in that situation. I want to help any way I can. First things first...is there anyway you can move out? I am assuming you dont work since your in college? I wonder if there is a way you could move in with a friend or get some money together to move out? It doesnt sound like a healthy environment for you! Please dont do anything crazy. If nothing else I am here for you.
 
H

Hellhouse

Member
Joined
Apr 17, 2020
Messages
5
Location
England
I don't have any friends. I have tried my entire life to avoid them, the house situation simply does not allow me to have any. All the ones I tried to have friendships with ended up thinking something was wrong with me when I never invited them over and kept making excuses. My house is like 5 minutes away from my old school. Yeah, even there I was unlucky. I have thought about trying to get a part time job but I live in the second biggest city in the country. (I am not really from England, I changed the location so it's harder to identify me, but I live close by.)
Renting a house here is STUPID expensive, even just a room. I hope with covid19 prices go lower. but by then I'll be back to college and I'll be in my college house, which obviously is heaven compared to my original house. I really appreciate you reading it. I don't feel as bad as I did when I wrote that. It's still something that eats me inside every single second of my life. I think I'm gonna start by collecting money to talk to a psychotherapist or something. It's not working, venting online. My chest feels like it's about to explode, it's been like that for years now. My mom and dad vent and cry to eachother, and my sister cries to her boyfriend. I simply don't have anyone, I thought coming here would relieve me a bit but it's the same. I just want it to end. Thank you very much for the response.
 
H

Helena1

Well-known member
Staff Member on Leave
Joined
Oct 11, 2014
Messages
10,579
Location
UK
Speak to you local council about how they can help you and your sister or get a job and move somewhere else till you go back to collage.
 
B

Butterflysb

Guest
I don't have any friends. I have tried my entire life to avoid them, the house situation simply does not allow me to have any. All the ones I tried to have friendships with ended up thinking something was wrong with me when I never invited them over and kept making excuses. My house is like 5 minutes away from my old school. Yeah, even there I was unlucky. I have thought about trying to get a part time job but I live in the second biggest city in the country. (I am not really from England, I changed the location so it's harder to identify me, but I live close by.)
Renting a house here is STUPID expensive, even just a room. I hope with covid19 prices go lower. but by then I'll be back to college and I'll be in my college house, which obviously is heaven compared to my original house. I really appreciate you reading it. I don't feel as bad as I did when I wrote that. It's still something that eats me inside every single second of my life. I think I'm gonna start by collecting money to talk to a psychotherapist or something. It's not working, venting online. My chest feels like it's about to explode, it's been like that for years now. My mom and dad vent and cry to eachother, and my sister cries to her boyfriend. I simply don't have anyone, I thought coming here would relieve me a bit but it's the same. I just want it to end. Thank you very much for the response.
I think talking to a professional and utilizing help from the state is your next steps. I essentially had nothing...and the state helped me. Lots of programs. Help with food, housing even therapy. For those with NO income. the help is out there my friend, you just got to start taking steps in that direction and not make excuses For yourself. You will be ok. Your not alone <3
 
H

Hellhouse

Member
Joined
Apr 17, 2020
Messages
5
Location
England
I didn't explain my situation well enough I think.
Both my parents work. They have good income. The problem is, as I've said, I live in the second biggest city in the country, getting a new house here or renting one is crazy expensive.
My sister finished her studies and is also working but she's a veterinairan and she's not getting paid yet, she's just working for experience currently.
I am in college, getting a part time job would not be enough. The income is good, that's part of the reason why this situation is so fucked up. From the outisde, we look like a completely normal family. The house wasn't in such a bad state when we got it. But my parents made some bad choices in life and just let the house deteriorate over the years. Both of them are working, my mom is a farmaceutical and my dad is part-owner of a bakery.
However, most of their income goes to fields they have for sale.
When my grandpa died, he left his will go his 6 kids. My father got the short end of the stick. My grandpa gave money and his posessions to his children, but my father only got two fields that, while worth some money, have yet to be bought. It's been more than 25 years. Even if they sell now, the money won't be enough to fix the house or get a new one. My parents have to keep dumping money in them however, I don't know how it works, they have to pay for the locations or something. My sister is doing her best to leave the house, she's also praying that covid19 lowers the prices of rents.
I have never made excuses for myself, the problem is that, my situation is completely different from evreyone else's. It's not about not having money, we are a normal suburban middle class family. The problem is not having enough, my parents are also the problem, mostly my mom. She's become so obsessed with the house that she WON'T let anyone in, not even plumbers or electricians. It's insanity. Again, it's not the money. Both me and my sister went to good schools ,and got into good colleges, we never lacked money for food or clothes. It's just this fucking house man, I don't know why it's SO HARD for my parents to do something. Everytime me and my sister bring up what happened for the situation to get this bad they get mad and say it's not their fault, but never explain what happened. It seems to me they're hiding something but it's crap because my sisters life and mine are both ruined, our childhood at least. My sister has suffered from depression, she's older than me so she's suffered a bit more. I have never been diagnosed with it but I feel like shit every day.
 
B

Butterflysb

Guest
It’s seems like there is a lot of things about this situation that you can’t control. And that must really suck, and be frustrating. I’d be livid myself. So I guess I’ll leave you with this...with everything you can’t control...what is it you can control In this particular situation? In all seriousness. What can you control?
 
JaneChaos

JaneChaos

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 15, 2020
Messages
53
Location
Toronto, Canada
I wish I had words to help improve your situation but I'm afraid all I have to offer is my empathy to your situation. It does sound crappy and so beyond your control, which is what makes things worse for me. I hope you will continue to post here. Sometimes just writing about stuff helps, doesn't it? I hope so. I've found there are lots here who will read and support you. The certainty you can count on is that things will change in your life. I do hope for you that they change for the better.
 
H

Hellhouse

Member
Joined
Apr 17, 2020
Messages
5
Location
England
Things I can control? There is nothing I can control in this situation. I can't even control my shower schedule. I shower everyday, but in order to do so I have to wait for specific times and if it's raining I just can't. There is nothing about this I can control. I can't even control my privacy. The only time of the day I am alone is when I go to the bathroom during the day and when I brush my teeth at night. I'm 21, every 21 year old person should have their privacy. I never had privacy, that is until I started college. I understand nobody wants me to kill myself but this is getting way out of my control. Quarantine is making it even worse. I am positive it's gonna bring me close to breaking down. My head and hcest feel like they're physically about to explode. I can not keep going like this for much longer.
 
H

Helena1

Well-known member
Staff Member on Leave
Joined
Oct 11, 2014
Messages
10,579
Location
UK
Why did you leave your student accommodation?

What about becoming one of those field pickers? I think you get accommodation in caravans or something, sounds like a big upgrade from your current place.
 
H

Hellhouse

Member
Joined
Apr 17, 2020
Messages
5
Location
England
It was bad timing. I came home for one weekend and covid19 closed college on friday. Had to stay home because of quarantine.
 
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