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I don't know what to do; help (I'm new here too)

J

Jisatsu

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Nov 24, 2009
Messages
515
For year I've felt out of place.. like no matter how hard I try to get people to understand me they just don't. I started self harming at age 8 and I'm now 16. My mum found out and took me to the doctor when I was about 12 but I refused to have a counsellor.
I'm in my first year of A levels now and I thought with having a boyfriend and friends I'd feel better but I don't. I feel like life is a waste of time and that there's no real point in me being here :( I won't make much of my life at this rate.. I feel like crawling up in a ball and dying or cutting myself (which I haven't done in a while because my boyfriend hates it).
I hate my scars, my body is covered in them. I'm so self conscious and I always feel so down and I cry everyday. I haven't actually been diagnosed with depression or anything of the sort.. my family have no idea because I can be happy but as soon as I feel sad I just lock myself away in my room and cry.

Please help?
 
W

whatstheproblem?

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Aug 21, 2009
Messages
251
D much as you might not want to hear it, you MUST go to you're dr. The only way you're going to make any progress in getting help is starting there. It may seem scary but drs see people who have depression etc every day. Hopefully you're dr will be as good as mine and do what they can to help you. Sorry you're feeling like this- it's horrendous, I know. Hope you find plenty of support on here, but I really urge you to make appointment at docs. Atb, wtp? x
 
bubbling under

bubbling under

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Location
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Sweetie, it might not feel like it right now but you have so very much to look forward to :)

I can somewhat associate with the feelings you describe, and i wear my 'mask' well infront of other people, but it has been a constant struggle to feel like i fit in. One of the places i feel totally whole is at work, it's a career i wouldn't swap for the world, it enriches my life and i'm in a very privaliged position, looking after the worlds most precious things.....oh I'm a professional nanny incase you think i'm a top banker or somewhat ;)

So you see.....you need time to find out where your niche is, to discover where you feel whole.

Keep talking sweetie, we're here to listen and support each other :hug:
 
J

Jisatsu

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Nov 24, 2009
Messages
515
Hey, thanks for the replies.
I kind of realise I should go to the doctors but my parents have no idea that I feel this way. Since the first incident with self harm, my parents think I'm now fine. When I was about 13 I drank 2 bottles of wine and my mum had to phone an ambulance, then for the next year and a half I tried to kill myself another 2 times.. all of which I failed.
My boyfriend hates the self harm so much I feel like I can't tell him if I was to do it because he'd get angry at me and I don't want to lose him because he's the only person I can talk to about stuff..
I would be so humiliated if I was to go to the Dr because one way or another, my parents would find out. I hate it when they sympathise me and patronise me :(

(P.S: What do atb and wtp mean? Sorry, I'm new)
 
L

limpit

Member
Joined
Nov 18, 2009
Messages
9
I'd also advise seeing a doctor. Unless its changed since I was younger, once you reach the age of 16 your parents dont have to be notified about health appointments.

Do you know whats making you feel so lost?

I felt much the same as you when I was younger. Remember this place is always here when you need to talk :grouphug:
 
J

Jisatsu

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Nov 24, 2009
Messages
515
My parents split up when I was about 5 and that was also when all the bullying started at school. I was teased for stupid things, like having curly hair and I've always been a bit chubby. Since I was 5 I've been profusely bullied by people. When I was 11, my best friend turned everyone against me and I had no one. Primary school was horrible for me and I thought moving school would allow me to have a fresh start but even after moving the bullying continued. I've always had a strained relationship with my mum because of the man she was having an affair with. She doesn't treat my biological father very nicely and I constantly get stories from both of them making them both out to be the bad ones :( I don't see how this could be a reason for me being so down seeing as it happened so long ago and my older brother is fine.. However, even if my stepdad or mum argue at either each other or my brother I just cry for hours even though it's nothing to do with me.
I used to talk to my best friend but she just thought I was attention seeking and making it all up and a few years back she said if I didn't stop going on she didn't want to be my friend anymore.

I realise that it would be confidential now I am 16 but I would have to tell my parents where I was going and if I had any follow up appointments or if I was ever recommended medication I don't know how long I could hide that from them.
 
W

whatstheproblem?

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Aug 21, 2009
Messages
251
Perhaps they would respect you're privacy if you were honest enough to tell them you had to speak to you're dr about something that at the moment didn't feel comfortable speaking to anyone else about. You shouldn't have to lie about going to dr- but if you really feel you can't tell them, I'm sure you can think of something ;-). Xx
 
J

Jisatsu

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I guess so but I really nervous about actually going to the dr. I know that when I go there and talk to her I'm just going to break down and cry :( I'd be so embarrassed
 
L

limpit

Member
Joined
Nov 18, 2009
Messages
9
Don't be nervous. GP's see and hear about all kinds of illnesses everyday, she won't think any less of you if you cry. She will talk to you about how you're feeling and put you into contact with mental health services if necessary or suggest other options.
 
J

Jisatsu

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Messages
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I will think about contacting my doctor, I can't keep going on like this. I'm crying right now and I don't really know why, I just feel so rubbish :(

Thanks for the replies.
 
W

whatstheproblem?

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Messages
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Believe me, I have cried to the point of almost drooling many times at the drs-it's all part and parcel of being unwell.. And they really do see these things every day.. To be honest they probably expect it from someone who may have depression. You'll be alright honey, xx
 
J

Jisatsu

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Nov 24, 2009
Messages
515
It sounds like a good idea but I just feel like in the end I won't go because I can't face telling my parents.
 
W

whatstheproblem?

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Aug 21, 2009
Messages
251
I wish you knew how many people have been in you're position- I bet most on here have! After a few years (I'm 23 now) I have been in you're position various times- it is terrible.. Try Reading some of the journals on here.. You will see that loads of people feel like you. I don't know what's worst, crying and hurting constantly, or not feeling anything at all.... I seem to switch between the two. Sooner or later you're going to have to get help... Make sure it's you're choice and go now, rather than leave things to get worse and be forced to see someone! I left things for Years and was eventually forced to talk after stealing a load of medication and taking it all! Please don't get to that point.. Help yourself before it's too late xxxx
 
bubbling under

bubbling under

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May 29, 2009
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Location
Hampshire
Jisatsu, the first time I went to my gp about the way I was feeling, I didn't make an appointment, I literally was having a bad day, walked in in tears and said i needed someone to help me. They were brilliant, and my gp has been amazing. She sat with me for a long time, just listening to what I had to say, then got me to fill out a small questionnaire which i had to mark myself out of 10 on. I scored badly, and I honestly think if I hadn't have taken that leap, I'd still be in a bad way even now. It's a long road back, so please don't expect miracles. I'm a long way down the road now, and I still have my bad times, but my good times are longer than the bad now. Be brave, make an appointment, and let someone help you......and we're here to support you as well.

Take care hun :hug:
 
J

Jisatsu

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Joined
Nov 24, 2009
Messages
515
Thank you, I might see my doctor.. I'm worried that if I go see her though everything will change and change frightens me. I don't want to end up getting more down than I was to begin with :( I'm so confused.
 
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