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I don't know what to do anymore

C

catsronaut15

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Apr 27, 2021
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I'm a 21 yr old female and I can’t stand my life anymore. I don’t know what to do. I’ve gone to various psychiatrists, therapists. Other than being expensive, they haven’t helped me at all. I was taking pills for depression, or just because they wanted to give me pills. Therapists didn’t look into reasons why I was sad and suicidal, they just prescribed pills.
I have tried to exercise and lose weight, as it is a problem that affects me a lot. My life has also revolved around that since I was little, I've always felt ugly since I was a kid... Wanting to look good and skinny even though I look different in the mirror (When I was 7 years old, I wanted to get sick so I could throw up and lose weight. What kind of kid would think that?) Well, I have not seen results, I look fatter and the scale is heavier, although I eat well and eat less and I exercise almost daily... It has also affected me that people from the university have made derogatory comments about my body (especially men that were my "friends") and that reverberates in my head daily. My friends don’t last, or treat me badly. I'm also a victim of sexual abuse.

I can't stand myself, I also can't stand my family and they can't stand me. They always threat me to put me in a mental hospital. They told me they're tired of this situation and I'm tired too. The simplest things annoy me. I can't even enjoy a family trip because I feel judged, I'm always thinking about everything. My dad keeps telling me I’m fat... I hate to see other people being flattered by my family members and not me, even though I’m trying hard. I gave up the depression pills, but I didn’t get better either. Sometimes I take Benadryl to get to sleep, even though I take more than the bill and feel bad the next day. I do it without thinking of the consequences.

I don’t like what I’m studying, and it’s a constant hassle even though I’m a few classes away from finishing. I constantly compare myself to my peers, because they are good at this and I am not. The failed classes had me drinking and self-harming and having some crisis where I start so scream, tremble and lose consciousness. I can't concentrate in online classes, I'm always thinking about something else. Besides all that, I had to choose a career that would please my parents, but I never thought of myself. I’ve never had the ability to think of anything for myself and when I do, I'm always insecure or it ends bad.

Thoughts of suicide have been on the rise and it seems to be the only way out of my situation, the only way to stop thinking. Every day I’ve been Self-harming and sleeping to avoid reality. I don’t know what to do. If I feel stressed or sad, or thinking about thing I start to hurt myself.I've been on this situation for many years, but it only gets worse. I can't see the light and I don't think I'll be able to see it. My mother knows I’m hurting myself. All she tells me is that she’ll tell my father to hurt me so I'm not doing it.

I can't blame everything on my family, they've tried to help me by putting me in psychological therapy because they can't understand me (sometimes I can't understand myself either), but it didn't help. It's getting worse.
And again, I don't know what to do. The only thing I'm contemplating is suicide. I don't know why I'm having to pay and why I'm taking the consequences of what other people did and say to me. Why I'm still paying for the consequences of bad decisions I took when I was younger. Everyday I feel more immature, more sick, emotional and tired of everything. I don't know how to handle it. I'm so weak and I hate myself.

Maybe some of you will think that all of this is childish. I've always been told that. Idk, idk what to do... I can't get out of this hole.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
 
V

Vico85

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Apr 23, 2021
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Belgrade
Hi baby, I understand you. I had similar intentions and body image problems which is frequent problem at our age. As a kid, I also was a weirdo, but don't be so hard on yourself. Remember all the good things you did and be proud of yourself. You have almost finished your university which is a great thing. Me for example, I am around your age and I am just about to start.
I used to have suicidal thoughts frequently but is passed by the time. It's just the phase some of us must pass.
Also I would like to recommend you taking cold showers every time you want to hurt yourself. I did it to punish myself and it made me stronger and more determined. It's also great way to build self discipline.
 
P

Purpleplum

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I could have written this at your age...but look I survived and you can too. Have you gotten checked for thyroid issues? PCOS? Things like that.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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I know of children who cried for weeks after they were called fat at school and they refused to eat anything. She was 9 the girl i am thinking of and is now about 25, i saw her on facebook with a big smile. She is still a chubby girl but she had a beautiful heart and made my days brighter when i saw her.

It is easy for people to say looks don't matter but they really don't. Eventually we all get older, wrinkly, grey and then we all look the same anyway. We all get fatter when we get past 40, weight gain happens easily.

Your happiness is the most important thing in this life. It is all about you and how you feel. What makes you happy? What comforts you? I am also having a really bad few days and have spent half an hour crying. Crying is so good for us. I know now that bad times are all about self-care. I know i love coffee, i have a nice cup now. I know a bath helps comfort me, and a clean nightie, and a cuddle with the cat. I am watching Yorkshire Farm because i love animals and they make me feel better.

What makes you feel better? Hot chocolate? Playing a guitar? Reading?

Reading about depression is a huge help. Reading in general has been so important to me. I have realised that i am not the only one going through this. You are definitely not the only one to go through this and you are not alone. Please keep writing.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Some depression takes a long time to go away.
You have to be kind to yourself
Not put pressure on yourself
Rest

You can change your career later, but right now you need to rest, eat healthily, take vitamins, maybe that will help. Eat oily fish as that is good for mood. Get a nice walk in every day as exercise is good for mood.

If therapy is not helping at the moment, maybe take a break?
 
Tawny

Tawny

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How are you doing at the moment?
I'm going to have to get ready for bed now but i hope you manage to get to sleep
Tomorrow is a new day
Rest
 
C

catsronaut15

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Apr 27, 2021
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tegucigalpa
Hi baby, I understand you. I had similar intentions and body image problems which is frequent problem at our age. As a kid, I also was a weirdo, but don't be so hard on yourself. Remember all the good things you did and be proud of yourself. You have almost finished your university which is a great thing. Me for example, I am around your age and I am just about to start.
I used to have suicidal thoughts frequently but is passed by the time. It's just the phase some of us must pass.
Also I would like to recommend you taking cold showers every time you want to hurt yourself. I did it to punish myself and it made me stronger and more determined. It's also great way to build self discipline.
Thanks for the recommendation and everything you said. I'll try to keep myself calm at the moment. I just finished some classes and I'll get to rest.
Hi baby, I understand you. I had similar intentions and body image problems which is frequent problem at our age. As a kid, I also was a weirdo, but don't be so hard on yourself. Remember all the good things you did and be proud of yourself. You have almost finished your university which is a great thing. Me for example, I am around your age and I am just about to start.
I used to have suicidal thoughts frequently but is passed by the time. It's just the phase some of us must pass.
Also I would like to recommend you taking cold showers every time you want to hurt yourself. I did it to punish myself and it made me stronger and more determined. It's also great way to build self discipline.
Thanks for the recommendation, I'll try to put it in practice. And thanks for everything you said :)
 
C

catsronaut15

New member
Joined
Apr 27, 2021
Messages
4
Location
tegucigalpa
I could have written this at your age...but look I survived and you can too. Have you gotten checked for thyroid issues? PCOS? Things like that.
Hello, I’ve been on PCOS treatment since I was 15, but now everything is normal. I haven’t checked my thyroid levels, I’ve just had the normal test and everything seemed fine, but I’m missing t3 and t4.
 
C

catsronaut15

New member
Joined
Apr 27, 2021
Messages
4
Location
tegucigalpa
How are you doing at the moment?
I'm going to have to get ready for bed now but i hope you manage to get to sleep
Tomorrow is a new day
Rest
Hello, I've read everything you said and thank you for the advice, I looked at it a lot. And well, I'm feeling numb for the moment, my face hurts a lot. I just finished some assignments, I'll try to workout and then I'll rest.
 
P

Purpleplum

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Hello, I’ve been on PCOS treatment since I was 15, but now everything is normal. I haven’t checked my thyroid levels, I’ve just had the normal test and everything seemed fine, but I’m missing t3 and t4.
Ask for those tests.
 
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