• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

I don't know what happened to me.

T

Tdunbar30

New member
Joined
Jan 19, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Alabama
I've had social anxiety as far as I can remember. Whenever im around people i feel anxious, nervous, judged, so i get figidy and cant make eye contact but I've forced myself. My childhood was ruined because I spent it mostly crying and feeling anxious over my mother who was on drugs. My dad is and has always been around but he abused my mother in front of me and my siblings and was selfish and didnt display love, but control and fear. We were afraid of him.

My teenage years was filled with anger, resentment, marijuana, and sex. Never really knew what love was because i wasnt exposed to it. Had my first child at 18, ended up marrying his father but divorced shortly because i didnt really feel or know how to love and one wrong thing mad me run. I feared being hurt. Ended up meeting my other two kids dad, married him but got caught up into my own selfish ways again. Never really knowing how to properly love someone and having that feeling as if i am owed something for the love i didnt recieve in my life. Ended up hurting him and we divorced after two kids. He was a good man and hurting him is one of my biggest regrets. I ended up in a two year abusive relationship with a young guy who didnt know what love was himself. He was very selfish, and on cocaine. I actually felt i loved him, which is sad because i was all about him and foolishly allowed him to drag me to my lowest. I was stupid.

I lost my bestfriend in October 2018. It hurted me so much. First real loss i experienced. All of this occured over the course of my life plus more but i was pushing through it. 2015 til 2017 i abused hydrocodone and ended up stopping because i had a bad trip on some dextromorphan that left me having a panic attack and being disassociative, i turned to alcohol and somehow i guess it brought me back because even though life wasn't good and i was in that horrible two year relationship, lost my bestfriend, and felt down mostly I was able to cope i thought.

Starting 2019 I kept having anxiety and feeling zoned. I would drink and it would go away, i would ignore it but knew i didnt like the feeling. After while drinking didnt help and i felt afraid so i changed. I stopped drinking and started exercising and eating healthy, lost 40 pounds, but the anxiety kept worsening. Oh sorry let me go back, the guy left me after my best friend died and left me alone. I had never been alone before, was in relationship since the age of 16 til 28. I was so hurt but i drank and pushed forward and tried not to care. I just kind of fooled around to cope.

Dont get me wrong i have had some good times and take care of my home and my babies, but i have never really been sober except for when i was pregnant or like a few days or weeks. i smoked weed from 10 til 21. Abused opiods from 26 til 28. Drank alcohol from 21 til 30, Its just i never feel i allowed myself to form a true identity outside of negative emotions and substances. Fast forward to Oct 2019, it seemed as if i couldnt recognize myself. The world seemed too bright, i didnt feel real anymore. Started feeling detached. I got afraid and went to my mothers, ive been here since.

I went through a month of straight panic attacks and anxiety. I admitted myself to a mental hospital but left because the care was poor. So here i am now. I had some strange physical symptoms. Head pressure, burning, tingling, muscles in my back, shoulders, and neck are horribly tense, i sleep but never feel rested, wake up with anxiousness and racing thoughts. Constantly feel on edge or not whole. Cant concentrate Nd zone out alot. I am going to dr and seeing a neurologist. It seems as if nothings real. I can't feel. I feel like i lost myself by trying to change. By trying to do right and change my selfish alcohol abusing ways, and making better decisions it somehow triggered something. Idk. My head hurts daily. I have pressure in my nose so bad and it pulls when i look down. I have pain in the back of my head also. I feel spaced out and my short term memory is bad. I am forgetful and my body seems so sluggish. Idk if im dying or just going crazy. Its exhausting and it makes me suicidal but i have my kids to live for. However i am struggling to function and time seems to go by so fast. I cant keep up.

Any advise? I am extremely overwhelmed. Feels like no way out, the world doesnt even look the same.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
51,841
Location
Lancashire
Hiya and welcome to the forum. Wow that is quite a long list of problems. I don't know the American system too well (I'm British) but isn't there an NA (Narcotics Anonymous) near you? It sounds to me that you could do with being with others who have been in your situation and understand how it happens and why.

Could your body feel sluggish because you are used to chemicals of one sort or another kicking it over and now you are just you? Are you in a depression do you think? Just a question as pain like that can be as a result of depression and anxiety. I can't diagnose obviously as this is a forum, hence why I just add it as a question.
 
T

Tdunbar30

New member
Joined
Jan 19, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Alabama
Hiya and welcome to the forum. Wow that is quite a long list of problems. I don't know the American system too well (I'm British) but isn't there an NA (Narcotics Anonymous) near you? It sounds to me that you could do with being with others who have been in your situation and understand how it happens and why.

Could your body feel sluggish because you are used to chemicals of one sort or another kicking it over and now you are just you? Are you in a depression do you think? Just a question as pain like that can be as a result of depression and anxiety. I can't diagnose obviously as this is a forum, hence why I just add it as a question.
I believe that my body and mind doesnt understand whats happening and its going haywire. I am,depressed because i hate feeling and going through this. I never thought changing for the better woulf have such a bad impact on me mentally and physically.
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
51,841
Location
Lancashire
I think having spent so many years avoiding "you" by your habits, its come as a shock to get to this age and have to find out who you are again. You will make it I'm sure, but you might need support whilst you get there. Have you been to your doctor and asked there for help?

What drove you to drugs so much do you think? Was there a trigger which lead to this all happening? Usually, there is something in the past which lead someone down this path. I only ask as it could be that which you are having to confront now. The tension of keeping all those feelings you have avoided for years could be causing the pain you are in now.
 
T

TinyStar

Guest
Hi Tdunbar,
I can relate on so many levels of what you have been through. The teenage yrs..Anxiety, anger, dabbling w/drugs, drink, sex, chasing love but not knowing what love actually was.
And now also having babies to care for.
So sorry for the loss of your bestfriend.
:hug:
What you have been through is a lot. I do believe it all catches up with us and causes some trauma to some extent.
I'm struggling myself too, more mental than physical though.
Do take on board @calypso advice, and anyone else who can offer it.
I do hope you find the answers and the care that you need to move forward.
 
T

Tdunbar30

New member
Joined
Jan 19, 2020
Messages
3
Location
Alabama
I think having spent so many years avoiding "you" by your habits, its come as a shock to get to this age and have to find out who you are again. You will make it I'm sure, but you might need support whilst you get there. Have you been to your doctor and asked there for help?

What drove you to drugs so much do you think? Was there a trigger which lead to this all happening? Usually, there is something in the past which lead someone down this path. I only ask as it could be that which you are having to confront now. The tension of keeping all those feelings you have avoided for years could be causing the pain you are in now.
My childhood was a nightmare, I didnt have one, I had to grow up becauss no one cared enough to raise me. Im still hurt still angry. It caused this. Then my own bad decisions. I never learned how to cope on my own only escaped through substance abuse and lust.
 
Top