I don't know if this is a whine or a rant

[missjones]

Every time I feel depression lifting, something seems to drag me back down.

I mentioned to a good friend that I was feeling really chipper and somewhat optimistic. He then said 'so, you've stopped feeling sorry for yourself then?'

I honestly thought he had a basic understanding of depression but he thinks I just need to buck up my ideas.

I feel paranoid that other people think the same of me and so alone.

Why can't people be more sensitive? I am so tired of feeling depressed and wanting to disappear.

 

[Dollit]

I have a very close friend. He's the person that I trust most in the world. A couple of months ago we were talking about me having a bad day and I said that it was down to my bipolar disorder. He challenged me straight away and asked me why I always hid behind it. He said that I blamed it for everything because it was easier than admitting that life just happened sometimes and that there was a touch of martyrdom about my attitude.

Now this man is not only very loving and kind but also very brave - heads have rolled at lesser things that have been said to me. But I did think about what he said and how the conversation unfolded.

He said that sometimes I wake up and I'm a bit down and assume it's because I'm ill when I'm not I'm just human. That when I do get down I think myself into a corner I can't get out of because I'm making assumptions that are erroneous.

He has challenged me to face things with an attitude of that unless it says otherwise, everyday is just a day that has normal ups and downs and that the times I really am ill he will support me to the hilt.

That change of attitude is really helping me not to feel sorry for myself. And everyone does feel sorry for themselves from time to time - it's part of the human condition.

There are times we can help ourselves more than we think and perhaps that's what your friend was trying to say? I don't know if this helps but I know that until my friend spoke to me I was in a spiral of self destruction and what he has said to me has made me challenge myself to a point where I can go forward with more confidence.

 

[nickh]

A couple of things Missp...

1) Depression is incredibly depressing. Sounds stupid but it is true; and never goes away. So every time an episode starts - and this is still true after over 20 years I'm afraid - I am depressed by my depression. It is yet another thing that has to be coped with. Now for some people it may be that trying to 'think' your way out of this works - the cognitive approach (CBT) which can crudely be caricatured as 'pulling yourself together'. For others - I am one - this is a total disaster and likely to have catastrophic results. For us (those like me in this respect) the key is always to remember and remind yourself that it is an illness. The best we can do is go into our coping strategy and wait for it to pass. Nothing else will work. I am afraid that only experience can teach what works for you. We are all different.

2) No-one else will understand your experience because all our experiences are unique. Even here where we can share much common ground that is still true. How much truer it is for people with no experience of MH. And MH is frightening for people because everyone likes to believe that they are control of their own mental processes. Well we aren't and having that pointed out or demonstrated is frightening which can lead to unsympathetic reactions of the type you describe.

I am sorry none of this is especially cheerful . All I can say is that the episode will eventually pass - I know this is not much use and sounds utterly banal. But it is true.

Nick.

 

[missjones]

Thanks for your responses. They have helped to put this situation into perspective.

I only told friends about my depression about 6 months ago and I think some have difficulty in understanding that the happy, confident Nicola has depression. I only told friends as I was unable to hide my last serious meltdown. I should have been more honest years ago.

 

[nickh]

yup that is often the way Nicola. People think that there is some connection between depression the illness and people's natural disposition - so they have a harder time accepting it if they have known you as cheerful, funny etc.. Again we come back to non-understanding and physical analogies - no-one expects people who are normally vivacious on the one hand or lugubrious on the other to react particularly differently to a broken leg or flu (or to be more disposed to get either one) but they do connect depression (and other MH issues) to personality ; I suppose it is the most common misconception and misunderstanding.

Nick.

 

[Borderline]

I've been told to buck up by professionals. People who specialize in depression.

Unfortunately, that's the only thing they can do sometimes. I was recently given the option of not thinking suicidal thoughts or be committed to a mental hospital. Given the choice, I said I'd try not to think about killing myself.

Sometimes you just have to take the wheel and steer the vehicle yourself, even if you can't drive, the road is covered in landmines, and the vehicle just blew a tire. Whatever that means...

 

[invise]

I know exactly how you feel. I have a friend that keeps telling me to stop being an attention seeker!! The last thing that I want when I feel low is attention, I want to be left alone, I dont want to talk to anyone.

Guess some people just cant get there head around whats going on in our heads.

 

[northern]

I've been told to buck up by professionals. People who specialize in depression.

Unfortunately, that's the only thing they can do sometimes. I was recently given the option of not thinking suicidal thoughts or be committed to a mental hospital. Given the choice, I said I'd try not to think about killing myself.

URGGGG! I hate that............ given the option might not conform too or might I might think or do! OMG!

Has any of the professionals actually been in the same place as I, We, or Other!