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I don't know if I'm depressed

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NidJelp

Member
Joined
Jun 26, 2018
Messages
17
I've been depressed since I was a kid and I didn't think I was capable of being happy. I alternated states in which I was depressed for weeks or months and periods in which I had nothing to worry about but I wasn't happy either. Well, I thought that in those moments I was happy because that was my reality and not being depressed was enough. Considering that being happy, I thought life wasn't worth but I discovered that helping others and watching them being happy made me happy somehow. At that time I was being bullied and that new purpose of helping others got me out of the pain but it was a confusing time and changing to get distance from bullying and to help others somehow got mixed and I suffered anxiety for not remembering my old personality and if I changed it for a good reason or a bad one.
When I was 15 or so I started reading books about depression because I had the necessity to know if I was somehow damaged and could not feel happiness or I was just doing something wrong and talking with a professional I would. I posted here with 18 two years ago for the first time and it really gave me the courage to seek professional help. I didn't get on with the first one and the second one diagnosed me just by talking to me for 15 minutes. I'm very shy and cannot tell her all my experiences in that time but she didn't care either. I know it's a long process and I have to keep searching but that was the last one I visited because I ended up worse. If you have any tips to find a good specialist or had problems like that I would appreciate if you told me.
Last two years have been crazy, I think I beaten depression but I'm not sure. Every single time I said that to motivate myself I discovered I didn't. The difference is that in this two years I've been happy.
It lasted only a week and it was last year but it was refreshing to feel that for the first time! Now I know I can feel it without medication I just need good people around.
I drunk too much in a party and did something really bad to the most important person for me, one of the friends I shared that week with. I couldn't remember anything, some friends told me her version of what happened and I don't think I would be able to do that but not remembering and really trusting that person I have nothing to do or say.
Obviously hate feelings came along and it's difficult to deal with the situation. I don't think I'm going to get over damaging so much a person I care about but I've never done anything bad before, the only thing that brought me satisfaction was helping others. I used to have a lot of suicidal thoughts and on the one hand now I think I don't deserve to die because that would be too easy and on the other one I don't want to die because I experienced happiness and maybe one die I will again. Do you think I'm a bad person for wanting to live afterwards and not before damaging someone?
I apologise for my English, thanks in advance.
 
DistantOcean

DistantOcean

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2020
Messages
134
Location
Netherlands
Hey NidJelp, well you are definitely a bad person for wanting to live. That's the way most people feel and somehow I don't get the feeling as if you discovered that you want to live by hurting her. It just happened to be that you felt good for the first time, maybe ever, just before the event. This is something beautiful, something which created a feeling of hope. Sometimes the only thing which keeps you going if you're in deep.
 
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