• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

I don't know if I'm depressed

N

NidJelp

Member
Joined
Jun 26, 2018
Messages
17
I've been depressed since I was a kid and I didn't think I was capable of being happy. I alternated states in which I was depressed for weeks or months and periods in which I had nothing to worry about but I wasn't happy either. Well, I thought that in those moments I was happy because that was my reality and not being depressed was enough. Considering that being happy, I thought life wasn't worth but I discovered that helping others and watching them being happy made me happy somehow. At that time I was being bullied and that new purpose of helping others got me out of the pain but it was a confusing time and changing to get distance from bullying and to help others somehow got mixed and I suffered anxiety for not remembering my old personality and if I changed it for a good reason or a bad one.
When I was 15 or so I started reading books about depression because I had the necessity to know if I was somehow damaged and could not feel happiness or I was just doing something wrong and talking with a professional I would. I posted here with 18 two years ago for the first time and it really gave me the courage to seek professional help. I didn't get on with the first one and the second one diagnosed me just by talking to me for 15 minutes. I'm very shy and cannot tell her all my experiences in that time but she didn't care either. I know it's a long process and I have to keep searching but that was the last one I visited because I ended up worse. If you have any tips to find a good specialist or had problems like that I would appreciate if you told me.
Last two years have been crazy, I think I beaten depression but I'm not sure. Every single time I said that to motivate myself I discovered I didn't. The difference is that in this two years I've been happy.
It lasted only a week and it was last year but it was refreshing to feel that for the first time! Now I know I can feel it without medication I just need good people around.
I drunk too much in a party and did something really bad to the most important person for me, one of the friends I shared that week with. I couldn't remember anything, some friends told me her version of what happened and I don't think I would be able to do that but not remembering and really trusting that person I have nothing to do or say.
Obviously hate feelings came along and it's difficult to deal with the situation. I don't think I'm going to get over damaging so much a person I care about but I've never done anything bad before, the only thing that brought me satisfaction was helping others. I used to have a lot of suicidal thoughts and on the one hand now I think I don't deserve to die because that would be too easy and on the other one I don't want to die because I experienced happiness and maybe one die I will again. Do you think I'm a bad person for wanting to live afterwards and not before damaging someone?
I apologise for my English, thanks in advance.
 
DistantOcean

DistantOcean

Well-known member
Joined
May 4, 2020
Messages
153
Location
Netherlands
Hey NidJelp, well you are definitely a bad person for wanting to live. That's the way most people feel and somehow I don't get the feeling as if you discovered that you want to live by hurting her. It just happened to be that you felt good for the first time, maybe ever, just before the event. This is something beautiful, something which created a feeling of hope. Sometimes the only thing which keeps you going if you're in deep.
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
Bezerker I need help and don't know where to post Depression Forum 10
Fairy Lucretia i don't feel well Depression Forum 9
W I need to unload and don't know how to talk about stuff so this is my shout in to the void Depression Forum 3
Fairy Lucretia people that don't understand MI /depression Depression Forum 15
Fairy Lucretia do you care if people don't like you? Depression Forum 29
S Ever felt sad but don't know why? What's going on :\ Depression Forum 8
E I don't know what I'm feeling anymore Depression Forum 3
October Rust i don't want to do this anymore Depression Forum 8
babysharkdududu I don't know anymore Depression Forum 4
U A part of me doesn't want to go, but I don't have anything to stay around for Depression Forum 26
P I don't like my own birthday. What about you? Depression Forum 27
D Don't want to be alone anymore Depression Forum 15
S I don't know what is wrong with me! Help! Depression Forum 8
G I don't trust me, I never did. Depression Forum 2
J HELP! Had my first therapy session today. Don't know if I should continue further. Depression Forum 13
I Don't know how much more can take :( Depression Forum 8
TwistersofThoughts I don't understand Depression Forum 12
A Suffering from a depression whose reason I don't realise. Depression Forum 13
Mummyoftwo I don't know... Depression Forum 4
S I don't want a job, but it's what people have to do. Depression Forum 27
S I just don't know anymore Depression Forum 4
L I don't trust antidepressants Depression Forum 6
S Abruptly losing motivation and don't know what to do Depression Forum 3
I I don't know where to start.. Depression Forum 6
B I don't care about any consequences anymore Depression Forum 11
Connorisnotokay Don't know what I'm supposed to do Depression Forum 11
N Disconnected and don't belong Depression Forum 9
moonperson vent/advice: I really can't stand myself and I don't want to like this person who I am. Depression Forum 14
E I think I can be in a depression, please I don't know what to do Depression Forum 3
C I don't see the point, or joy, in anything. Depression Forum 8
C I don't know what to do Depression Forum 4
K Despite struggling w/depression, I don't know how to help my fiance Depression Forum 2
Ineedhelp2921 I don't want to be here anymore Depression Forum 8
M let down by nhs and don't know where to turn Depression Forum 13
S I'm sad and I don't know why Depression Forum 6
JustinS1998 I Don't Even Know Depression Forum 11
L If I Don't Believe I'll Ever Be Happy, Does That Guarantee I Won't? Depression Forum 41
Kerly13 I don't belong here Depression Forum 31
R I don't know how to help my friend Depression Forum 10
K lack of motivation and i don't know what to do with my life Depression Forum 6
I i don't have a life Depression Forum 6
D Parents don't accept me. Depression Forum 3
I i've given up on life, i don't care about anything anymore Depression Forum 6
S i feel hungry but i don't eat Depression Forum 3
Feritas I feel so empty. I don't even know why anymore. So here's my story. Depression Forum 2
P Medication intolerance...don't know what to do Depression Forum 12
D i don't know what this is associated with Depression Forum 6
wollie I don't know what to do Depression Forum 17
M I don't deserve to be here Depression Forum 4
D Don't see any hope anymore Depression Forum 4

Similar threads

Top