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I don't know if I'm coming or going!

CrazyPilot

CrazyPilot

New member
Joined
Dec 15, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Dublin Ireland
My anxiety and depression has been present for almost ten years and below is an explanation of how I feel.

I feel like I get very little sleep as I toss and turn and can’t see to get comfortable. During the day when I lie down, I relax and fall asleep. When I wake, I feel very tired and usually have sore muscles and a headache. I also feel a bit sick, so I don’t usually have food until 10am+ which doesn’t help with the waking up process.
Sometimes I just lie there and don’t want to face the world. Going to work feels like such a chore and I’ve yet to find a job that I like or can just get on with, so this does not help. No matter what I am doing I always feel like just going home and being alone or trying to catch up on some sleep.
I always feel nervous when going somewhere. I could be going to work, seeing my son or girlfriend or just heading out doing bits and pieces. The more exciting the task / situation the worse my anxiety feels!
Most of the time I feel alone, down and tired. Yet at the same time I get little bits of happiness hitting me for a few minutes. When I am in work I don’t feels as bad as I am kept busy but when I am quiet down work is the worst place to be for me
For instance, I have been invited to a 30th Birthday party this January. I was excited as it is Emma’s Birthday who is also my good mates’ wife and we as a group get on very well and I will see lots of friends that I don’t get to see to often. However almost right away my anxiety kicked in and I feel very nervous about the night out. I am also seeing my closest friend Saoirse on Sunday (16 Dec) and again I’m nervous even though we talk a lot and see knows every little thing about me but I should be comfortable around her no?
I have a job, a great son and a beautiful Girlfriend. I have lots of friends and drive nice cars and fly light aircraft, yet I always seem to crave more and more in the search of happiness.
I am training to be a pilot, yet sometimes I wish that I could fail my medical etc and use this as an excuse, so I don’t have to complete the stressful task of becoming a pilot. However, at the same time look up at a plane and dream of becoming a pilot?
I complain al lot that my social life is not as good and that I don’t get to do the things I want, yet all I want to do is sleep and be alone!
I lost my Mam to Cancer 5 years ago and I lost 2 babies 1 year after another where my then Partner lied to me and had the babies when I was in work, to this day I have no pictures or documents to prove they exist and due to laws in Ireland I have no rights to find out.

I am currently on 15mg of Lexapro and have been on and off these for the past 8+ years. I also started smoking cannabis as this does relax me when i am really anxious
 
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