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I don't know if I'm coming or going!



New member
Dec 15, 2019
Dublin Ireland
My anxiety and depression has been present for almost ten years and below is an explanation of how I feel.

I feel like I get very little sleep as I toss and turn and can’t see to get comfortable. During the day when I lie down, I relax and fall asleep. When I wake, I feel very tired and usually have sore muscles and a headache. I also feel a bit sick, so I don’t usually have food until 10am+ which doesn’t help with the waking up process.
Sometimes I just lie there and don’t want to face the world. Going to work feels like such a chore and I’ve yet to find a job that I like or can just get on with, so this does not help. No matter what I am doing I always feel like just going home and being alone or trying to catch up on some sleep.
I always feel nervous when going somewhere. I could be going to work, seeing my son or girlfriend or just heading out doing bits and pieces. The more exciting the task / situation the worse my anxiety feels!
Most of the time I feel alone, down and tired. Yet at the same time I get little bits of happiness hitting me for a few minutes. When I am in work I don’t feels as bad as I am kept busy but when I am quiet down work is the worst place to be for me
For instance, I have been invited to a 30th Birthday party this January. I was excited as it is Emma’s Birthday who is also my good mates’ wife and we as a group get on very well and I will see lots of friends that I don’t get to see to often. However almost right away my anxiety kicked in and I feel very nervous about the night out. I am also seeing my closest friend Saoirse on Sunday (16 Dec) and again I’m nervous even though we talk a lot and see knows every little thing about me but I should be comfortable around her no?
I have a job, a great son and a beautiful Girlfriend. I have lots of friends and drive nice cars and fly light aircraft, yet I always seem to crave more and more in the search of happiness.
I am training to be a pilot, yet sometimes I wish that I could fail my medical etc and use this as an excuse, so I don’t have to complete the stressful task of becoming a pilot. However, at the same time look up at a plane and dream of becoming a pilot?
I complain al lot that my social life is not as good and that I don’t get to do the things I want, yet all I want to do is sleep and be alone!
I lost my Mam to Cancer 5 years ago and I lost 2 babies 1 year after another where my then Partner lied to me and had the babies when I was in work, to this day I have no pictures or documents to prove they exist and due to laws in Ireland I have no rights to find out.

I am currently on 15mg of Lexapro and have been on and off these for the past 8+ years. I also started smoking cannabis as this does relax me when i am really anxious